Hello, I'm new and In need of help :(

[ajtcmt070982]

Hi There

I am new to this board and am in need of some help/advice....but first I will share my story.

I was diagnosed with OCD and a panic disorder a few years ago but have suffered with it from very early childhood. I have dealt with compulsive behavior (hand washing, counting, etc....), panic attacks and horrible intrusive thoughts. My intrusive thoughts got very bad after the births of my 2 sons in 2007 and 2009. I was on a couple different medications but was put on Abilify after a little while and I always called it my miracle medicine. It helped me so much!. In the very beginning of 2010, my panic attacks and intrusive thoughts (my compulsive behavior stopped before adolecense) went away. I remember waking up one day and realizing that I hadn't had any bad thoughts or panic moments for a while....and with the help of my psychiatrist, I weaned off of Abilify after making a decision to try to do it on my own. I was completely off of Abilify a couple weeks later and did great!.....until recently :(.

Around the end of March, my husband and I decided to divorce. We had been going through a lot of issues for a while and I finally made the hard decision then. I was still good on everything for a couple weeks, but about a 3 weeks ago, I had a horrible panic attack and they have been a daily (sometimes multiple daily) occurance. The intrusive thoughts are somewhat back, but they aren't as bad as before and I am able to dismiss them without any issues. My panic attacks are worse than they have ever been though. I have been so stressed out....more stressed than I ever have been as well. But I noticed something different about this time. I have a specific fear that I cannot seem to dismiss.

I have a horrible fear of going insane. I have been told on multiple occasions that I am not schizophrenic nor will I ever go insane, but for some reason, it's not registering in my mind. My biggest fear is that I am going to start hallucinating, either auditory or visually, and it is scaring me to the point where I'm almost not able to function. Today has been a really bad day for me. This morning I woke up and had a sense that I woke up to go to the bathroom but can't remember if I did or not, so that threw me into a panic attack....and then I was driving somewhere a couple hours later and I connected my smart phone into the USB port into my car to play music off of. Now usually my phone always acts up in some way or another when connected to the USB. Some songs won't play, some songs will replay when I hit the button to go to the next song, some songs will play under a different name....just little glitches here and there sometimes. Today as it was connected to the USB, I looked under my contacts and names weren't with the right picture, etc.... Well as I switched to another song while driving, the name of the singer and the name of the CD (that information is also shared on downloaded songs) were normal, but the name of the song was not in words....they were in symbols. Can't really explain it any better than that. They were just symbols. If I remember correctly one symbol (there were 4) was a circle with a line through it (or something like that). When I noticed it, I waited for a little while to see if it would go away but it didn't so I hit the "next" button to go to the next song and then hit the back button to go back to the song that was showing the symbols, it was normal again. Now normally with all the glitches that happen when my phone is connected to the USB, I wouldn't think much of it, but this has been thrown in a panic attack that won't let up. I keep thinking "what if I was hallucinating it?", "what if it went back to normal because they were never symbols to begin with and I was just hallucinating?". I am so scared that I was but at the same time, I know I wasn't. My doctors have told me numerous times that I am not schizophrenic nor will I ever become schizophrenic or go insane. They say it is just my panic attacks getting the better of me.....but I just keep thinking "what if?" (which unforunately is my OCD).

I'm just so scared right now because I can't think straight. I keep thinking "what if I did hallucinate, what now??". I keep trying to calm myself down but it's not working. My intrusive thoughts had to do with violent things so I keep worrying that I will eventually go insane and harm my loved ones even though I don't want to....and I keep thinking that if that was a hallucination earlier, I am getting closer to going insane.....and it's just never ending. My brain has been on overload all day today and it won't stop :(. I really REALLY need reasurance that I won't go insane or start hallucinating. I keep telling myself that in 28 years (I'm 28 years old), I haven't started hallucinating yet so I probably won't ever, but I still can't stop being scared about it. Every shadow I see, I question....every noise I hear, I question. I have to find the reason for the shadow's and noises or I go into a panic attack.

If anybody can share any advice with me, it would be really appreciated!! :(.

(PLEASE do not say anything about me needing to go to my doctor or psychiatrist. They are already aware that my symptoms are back and I told them that since I did so well for a year and a half off of my medication, I want to try natural remedies, relaxation techniques and counseling before going back on medication. ALTHOUGH I am getting closer to admitting I need it. But please share advice on my fear and if you can relate and whatnot. Thank you very much in advance!)

[acasey]

wow, i seen this and i just had to reply, i went through the same thing about a month ago. im in no position to be giving advise, as i am goin still having terrible anxiety myself. but i was doing the same exact thing. questioning every sound i heard and everything i seen,. wondering if i really was just halucinating. all i can say is give it time, it will pass i promise. i was really bad during that stage, told my family they need to have me commited and everything, lol. but after awhile i realized, well i still haven't gone crazy, so im guess im not going to. i was able to somehow quit thinking about it, no certin techniques or anything, just time is all you need. i slowly feel myself getting better. i wasn't eating, wasn't sleeping, couldn't concentrate. and i find i am able to do those things now. however i still have anxiety pretty bad and panic attacks. i actually just posted about my panic attack i had this morning, if ya wanna check it out. BUT it's getting better i promise, and yours will too. when i have these attacks now i am able to reason with myself and realize it's just anxiety, i was not able to do that before. i was on zoloft for a couple of years, and just like you when i quit taking it the anxiety came back. however, i am not taking anything this time around. and don't plan on it. just like my whole schizo fear went away, i imagine everything else will to. it just takes time, and it's very frustrating. i have set backs and wonder "well maybe i should just get back on meds", then i think, thats just my anxiety talking. im not gonna lie, it's hard as hell. but i have good days, and thats what keeps me going. in the long run i know that i will have beat this on my own, and i wont have to take any pills to do it. whenever you have an attack just tell yourself, "well here is my chance to fight this thing". anyway. just know that you are not alone. iv gone through and am stilll going through the same thing. just have faith, be strong and keep telling yourself you can do it! if you ever wanna ask me anything you can private messsage me. good luck!

[ImJace]

Anxiety does something very interesting to our minds. It occupies so much of our thought power that we begin to feel disconnected or confused. It's completely normal. Don't worry about having hallucinations. I've actually experienced some auditory and visual anomylies myself, but it was only because my anxiety had gotten so bad that my mind would play "tricks" on me. One I realized this, I actually found it kind of funny, and eventually realized the strange feelings were going away. Just remember that there are lots of people who know what you're going through, and take it from me, someone who has had anxiety for all my life, and more so in the last 10 years (i'm 27) that even when it feels like you have no chance to overcome it, you do. It took me a long time, but i'm doing better now than I ever have. Hit me up if you want to chat :)

[jessed03]

Hi, your post made me just want to come and give the little advice I can. I suffer very similarly with what you suffer, I suffer the OCD, which can come in various routines and rituals. I also suffer the intrusive thoughts, and goodness aren't they horrible. I would have them from the second I woke up, to the second I went to bed. For months I just lay in bed, watching sitcoms day after day. I would just wake up, and wouldn't permit myself to do anything, on the grounds I'm now 'insane' or heading there, or an incident away from schizophrenia. Like many, I've read every symptom of every mental disorder, scanning for any clues, or matching symptoms.

In the end it was too much, I wanted to be gone, not anything drastic, but just get lost in a pleasant dream, sleeping forever sort of thing. Eventually, I became so terrified of hurting my loved ones, I couldn't sleep, I'd lie in bed, vomiting, shivering with fear, I felt like I was a thread away from losing control, or 'snapping'. I tried to get myself commited, lied about being suicidal. My reasoning; if I'm locked up, I can't hurt anyone right? Luckily, the on call psych didn't buy it, and instead sent me to do various therapies, it was in there I meant a now retired psychologist, and my thinking started to alter.

I was put on Remeron, and maybe it helped to balance things a little, although not much. It was my curiousity of the whole 'problem' that made the greatest significance to my well-being. Talking to this psychologist, I was referred to Zen philosophy, and CBT as means for finding answers. It was zen philosophy that proved the most ground breaking to me. I never took to the whole meditating in the field deal, I couldn't even sit still for 5 minutes, let alone an hour, but I was 'enlightened' by their insight on control.

For a few days, I just decided to keep an eye on myself so to speak, and I was just amazed at what I found. In a 24 hour day, I was actually 'in the moment' probably for about 50 minutes. No exaggeration. The rest of my time was spent thinking about past incidents, what they meant, how they had influenced me, have I let people down? or just generally re-living them or trying to make sense of things. The rest of the time was spent in the future, maybe only an hour in the future, or sometimes an indefinite time, imagining all sorts of ailments I may contract, the repercussions of such incidents, how to avoid them, things I have to do etc etc etc. Literally, as you probably know, a zillion different thoughts, circumstances, and what if's run through your mind at any given moment with anxiety, depression and OCD, and this is probably while just peeling potatos!!

The mind constantly labels things, I think it's just part of evolution, 'this' is good, 'this' is bad, 'this' means this, or 'this' means 'that'. It constantly needs control. In fact, it needs it so badly, that when we don't have it, our OCD develops, or anxiety. I'm not some new age philosopher, I've smoked, drank, and gambled in excess over the years, and yet I'm still just in my 20's too, which is why I can relate to you so much, and really feel your frustration and pain as my own.

This condition forced me to become a little more grounded. I started to see life a little differently as I went searching for answers. What happens to an animal or even a baby when you tell them not to do something? Usually they stop, or at least pause, or retreat for the moment. My cats aren't allowed in my bedroom, and yet the SECOND I leave the door open, even a crack, SOMEHOW they've found a way to team up and get it open. They then nervously investigate the whole premises, and judge it. My bedroom is just a bed, and a tv, yet downstairs they have sofas, hundreds of toys, food and treats... yet, because they aren't allowed in there, it fascinates them. The obidient ones are similar, they may stay back for longer, but their mind still wonders instensly, simply because it works similar to ours. They too need control, they need reassurance, in their own way, just like we do, we crave it as if it were a drug, life is just too scary without it.

That which we resist, persists though. I read an amazing quote that I thought summed up anxiety conditions so well "To give your sheep or cow a large, spacious meadow is the way to control him". As soon as I read that, a switch went off in my head, when we put something into a cage, or a small space, it tries to escape, or get out, or investigate. The mind is the same, when you tell the mind, 'you can't think this' or 'this is bad' then it craves it's reassurance again, it demands you fill the bucket with the hole in, it needs to test it, investigate, find reassurance, and some way to gain back power. That's usually where OCD comes in, subconsciously its our way of gaining a little of that control back. It's the animals who are in the large fields that behave themselves, everybody's seen sheep in a big open field, they get bored, and just lie down together and eat grass. Our minds are amazingly the same. When you tell your mind, you can't go in there, they do exactly as my cats do, and try to find out why, and what will happen if they do, and what lies in that big dark forbidden room. Open your mind up, say to yourself, you're free to go wherever you like, and tire yourself out, because none of it is real afterall. I've never met anybody, on any forum, ever! who had generlized anxiety who died or contracted a life threatening disease because of it, nor have I met anybody with OCD who committed the awful atrocities their mind frightens them with, and I've been on practically every forum, read newspapers and travelled to various places.

Anxiety is our minds way of saying 'I've just found out how little control I have over life... I'm scared"... Now, whenever I have an intrusive thought, I can simply identify it, and as bloodthirsty, or evil as it may seem, I can just sit with it, without judging it, the same way I can sit with a racing heart for hours. Yes, it's very unpleasant, but I'm not fearful of it. In the midst of sometimes terrible anxiety, I tell myself, "It's OK to feel this way. It's OK to be scared of this.

I'm not sure if you've ever watched that King Of Queens episode, where arthur goes to the psychiatrist? And they psych says, to calm him down, let him do whatever he wants. Anyway Arthur comes back with all these crazy demands, and they let him take up all these hobbies, drive him at night etc... and eventually he just gets bored with it, and calms right down. I've found that to be the only thing that I have ever felt has made an impression on my mentality. I've spent a long time, on lots of meds, and as cliche as it sounds, it did seem to just band-aid the problem, there always seemed to be this dark place, lurking, that the meds took me a little further away from. At the time they almost certainly saved my life, but they are not really a solution as you know. I think the best way to obtain perfect calmness is to not be bothered by the various images you find in your mind. Let them come, and let them go freely. Then they will be under control. But this theory is not easy. It sounds easy, but it requires a lot of that big ugly P word; practice. Some are able to do it themselves, for others CBT is very useful, it depends on the person

The resisting thing seems to apply so well to everything to do with anxiety, including panic attacks, once, my panic attacks used to spiral, and make me almost suicidal, now, they are a somewhat inconvenience I live with, and soon hopefully, will whittle away to even less. Ever since I was able to say, OK, this is a panic attack, I will just ride this, my road has been smoother, but of course that can be a long personal journey just to get to saying those few words.

I wanted to write this post to give you a little insight, you seem very intelligent, and humble to ask for help, therefore I don't want to patronize. Recovery is a huge picture. There are many steps to a full recovery, some go forwards, and some backwards too. If you have any stomach or allergy issue or weight, intolerance testing is useful, I found eggs to play a part on my anxiety. Many people find a low GI diet helpful and one without sugar. Relaxation or meditation is a great help, it's nice to give your mind half an hour off everyday; progressive muscle, or yogi nidra are my favourites. CBT is a huge help, it takes time, and can be expensive if not insured, there are some helpful books on amazon to get you started if cost is an issue. Exercise helps, start slow, build up. Yoga, stretching, weights; all useful. Activities you enjoy are helpful in recovery, often it will take a while for the enjoyment factor to come back so give it time. Breathing, breathing is huge, abdominal breathing is a good help, try if you can, many times, to come back to your breathing. Regularly just come back to it, and ensure it's slow and deep, just focus on it, try to get back into the moment when worrying or ruminating, practice will help find that place where you can almost step back, and watch the busy traffic flowing through your mind. Writing is helpful for many. Writing down in explicit detail your deep fears, and being external could help. Supplements are useful, Magnesium, Omega-3, B-Complex, Iron, and many herbs and teas. Coping strategies; a google search will come up with some great strategies for use in the middle of an attack, And medication; if you can't manage, or your day is unbearabler, if it helps calm things down, and get you on a more positive road, that can only be healthy.

I was at a point where I was begging to be put on a Valium drip, but recently I flew 3000 miles, with the love of my life, to a place I always wanted to visit. I promise you, that there is hope. I wish you every bit of luck and fortune. Don't hesitate to message me if you want

Jesse :)

“Dum spiro, spero, "While I breath, I hope"”

[jon mike]

Jesus Christ, you sound like me! Hey, your not going to go insane, your mind sounds very tired, I'd stay away from medication, they are a short term fix, i hate the idea of them personally, I think you need to accept it as anxiety, easier said than done, but sooooo easy when you know how, there are many methods, if it helps, here's what I do sometimes, when you are calmer notice when you can feel the anxiety/weirdness/panic/ madness coming on, try and pinpoint what you are thinking at the time, focus on whats setting you off, for me its the fact that I'm dreading it all happening all over again and that's the trap you need to get out of, try to accept it and literally watch it, let the feeling flow straight through you, a friend gave me this and with practice things become far easier, if haven't a clue what I'm talking about your welcome to message me, Jon