need some help

[tokyo]

I think I've had mild depression for about 6 or 7 years but I just got back from Spain for my first holiday in about 10 years (i'm 25, male) and since I got back I just can't stop crying. I met this girl there (i've been on my own for about 5 years) but I don't think it's even about her. It just feels like the whole world is happening without me and im just stuck in my room doing nothing all the time. I want to go travelling or whatever and go see the world because i havnt done anything with my life so far. I still live with my mum. I am so miserable and hate my appearance, i get easily stressed and have hereditary dark circles under my eyes that make me look about 5 years older. I went to the doctors once and they prescribed me drugs but i didnt take them because i dont think they are the answer. i feel like if i was still 18 and didnt have these bags under my eyes and i could go travelling and see the world and meet some people but i feel like everything is too late even though im only 25. i keep thinking someone is going to burst in the room all the time. i used to have a car and i realised on e day i was on my own trying to put the key in the door and it was night and i was shaking i was so scared. but what of? i keep waking up at 3 every morning and struggle to get back to sleep. i am constantly thinking about how to kill myself. i always feel like everything good is happening somewhere else and every one is having the time of their life without me. i score high on every depression test but i dont think drugs will help! am i in denial? will drugs make my problems go away? i dont think they will because they are to do with how i percieve the world! taking a pill wont stop me feeling sad at not traveeling when i was younger or going to university, or feeling like the future is a big nothing and nothing good will ever happen to me! drugs wont help me! but what will??

[Gladys]

You've decided you don't want drugs as an answer to your problems. Do you want to try some sort of therapy.
I think it might be good for you. As you say, you're young, you know you can do whatever you want to do. Be an adult student and get on a course that will prepare you for university or if you're not happy with that, how about learning a trade and becoming self - employed.
You're writing that you're depressed over what you haven't done, but you've got to be hard on yourself and realise that only you can create a new history for yourself. One that won't depress you. It doesn't mean you'll succeed at everything you try. The achievement is that you tried.