anyainiesta
05-21-2011, 03:55 AM
Hi,
I'm new to these forums so have not yet integrated myself into the whole 'community' thing - but I've got a problem that keeps flaring up and it's beginning to make me physically sick. In the past two weeks alone I've been having panic attacks, coming out in rashes and suffering from what seems to be allergic reactions to random things and I fear it's only getting worse.
For the past three or four years I've had a very rough time with trying to conceive. I've undergone four IVF treatments, all of which have failed and one of which resulted in a particularly traumatic double miscarriage. I've tried various other medical treatments, all of which were unsuccessful, and was finally (after all of that) told that it is very, very, very unlikely I will ever conceive naturally.
In the past year we've been embarking upon the adoption route. It's stressful. It's invasive. It's hard. It's something I never thought I'd have to do. I can see that this kind of thing makes or breaks some couples and can be the best and the worst thing that people can do in their lives. My problem is - the IVF, the adoption, the 'big' things in my life don't seem to bother me.
But the TINY things do.
Whilst I was absent from work whilst waiting for my D&C following miscarriage I suffered various moments of panic. They were serious, overbearing, desperate panics - but not because I was about to lose my babies, no, that didn't seem a problem to me. What was a problem was that I was scared of losing my job because I was missing work indefinitely. THAT was the thing that panicked me. During the whole IVF process it wasn't the "Will it work, won't it work" thing that sent me into a spin - it was the fact I may have misdated a letter or filed a document incorrectly.
At the moment we are about to have another visit from a social worker regarding adoption. I'm not worried about the visit. I think about it and I don't feel any anxiety at all - yet, when I think about the fact that I might've over-estimated a page-count at work I start panicking to the point I can barely breathe and these invasive thoughts keep coming to me. I seem to have fixated on one particular client's file. Granted, it's an extremely expensive client and stands to make the firm a whole lot of money - but this one file has ruined weekend after weekend for me because it seems to be the thing I am deflecting my stress about the more important things onto.
Last night, I spent most of the night worrying that the goldfish (yes goldfish) were fighting. I spent two or three hours looking up solutions to goldfish aggression on the internet and felt like I was about to burst into tears when I couldn't find anything useful. This morning, I woke up and the first thought on my mind was the stupid file at work which I feel I might've mis-interpreted...and I can feel myself on the verge of a panic attack again.
I saw a counsellor during my IVF and she TOLD me i was displacing stress - and, whilst i know WHY I am doing it, whilst i know I am blowing things way out of proportion it doesn't stop the panic.
What can I do? I'm getting kind of desperate, here.
I'm new to these forums so have not yet integrated myself into the whole 'community' thing - but I've got a problem that keeps flaring up and it's beginning to make me physically sick. In the past two weeks alone I've been having panic attacks, coming out in rashes and suffering from what seems to be allergic reactions to random things and I fear it's only getting worse.
For the past three or four years I've had a very rough time with trying to conceive. I've undergone four IVF treatments, all of which have failed and one of which resulted in a particularly traumatic double miscarriage. I've tried various other medical treatments, all of which were unsuccessful, and was finally (after all of that) told that it is very, very, very unlikely I will ever conceive naturally.
In the past year we've been embarking upon the adoption route. It's stressful. It's invasive. It's hard. It's something I never thought I'd have to do. I can see that this kind of thing makes or breaks some couples and can be the best and the worst thing that people can do in their lives. My problem is - the IVF, the adoption, the 'big' things in my life don't seem to bother me.
But the TINY things do.
Whilst I was absent from work whilst waiting for my D&C following miscarriage I suffered various moments of panic. They were serious, overbearing, desperate panics - but not because I was about to lose my babies, no, that didn't seem a problem to me. What was a problem was that I was scared of losing my job because I was missing work indefinitely. THAT was the thing that panicked me. During the whole IVF process it wasn't the "Will it work, won't it work" thing that sent me into a spin - it was the fact I may have misdated a letter or filed a document incorrectly.
At the moment we are about to have another visit from a social worker regarding adoption. I'm not worried about the visit. I think about it and I don't feel any anxiety at all - yet, when I think about the fact that I might've over-estimated a page-count at work I start panicking to the point I can barely breathe and these invasive thoughts keep coming to me. I seem to have fixated on one particular client's file. Granted, it's an extremely expensive client and stands to make the firm a whole lot of money - but this one file has ruined weekend after weekend for me because it seems to be the thing I am deflecting my stress about the more important things onto.
Last night, I spent most of the night worrying that the goldfish (yes goldfish) were fighting. I spent two or three hours looking up solutions to goldfish aggression on the internet and felt like I was about to burst into tears when I couldn't find anything useful. This morning, I woke up and the first thought on my mind was the stupid file at work which I feel I might've mis-interpreted...and I can feel myself on the verge of a panic attack again.
I saw a counsellor during my IVF and she TOLD me i was displacing stress - and, whilst i know WHY I am doing it, whilst i know I am blowing things way out of proportion it doesn't stop the panic.
What can I do? I'm getting kind of desperate, here.