Please Help

[leon]

Hi, I would appreciate some help and advice, I'm 43 years old and I have had social phobia since I can remember. I've always been shy in social situations even with family, but my phobia has become very specific. in 2003 I got a promotion to a manager and I had to attend meetings once a month away from home, at first these were ok, we had our meeting and then a meal and a few drinks in the hotel bar. Then around 2006 I moved regions and the nights away were with a different bunch of guys, when it came to the evening they would drink lots (thats not the problem) and then they would go to a strip club, now I've no problem with this, but my problem which has been diagnosed by my CBT therapist is I worry what people will say if I say that the strip club is not for me, so I feign illness or just quietly dissapear, I can't carry on living a lie, I just want to be able to say "NO" politely and firmly. my situation has become really bad recently as we are due to go to Barcelona soon and some of the guys have already googled all the strip clubs, is there anyone else who can't stand up for themselves, I just feel such a let down all the time. Please help

[Gladys]

Dear Leon,
Decide where your fear of shying away from social situations comes from. Go where you want to go. I mean if you want to go with your friends, but you'll find the club overwhelming, spend a short time there then leave. If you don't agree with the club, say so.
It comes down to honesty really. I am a very anxious person, but I will not be led. That's what you're writing. And your honesty's so important. Will honesty make you disliked or a party pooper? Possibly, but you need to be true to yourself. You may not be liked for it, but that will come with the respect you'll earn from others and feel in yourself.
Let me know how you get on.

[leon]

Hi Gladys,
I appreciate your reply, how do you manage not to be led as I really struggle with peer pressure and you're right that is my main problem, it seems to me that others can simply say no to something and people then leave them alone and don't seem to feel angered by the answer no, with me when I say no they won't shut up and take the mickey until I give in and end up doing something that I don't want to do, then I feel weak and stupid, any suggestions, how do you manage?

[NashvilleQueen]

I think that once they see you can be talked into something, they will keep trying to talk you into other things. Seems that they want you to be around them and with them which tells you me you are very likable. I think the key is to next time say "That really isn't my thing. I went with you before because I will try anything once but it's not for me. Ya'll have fun though!" Then, go away, back to your room, off to eat, somewhere. Have the confidence in your answer to walk away satisfied with it. Then go enjoy yourself doing what you want to do. I think you will gain more respect with this approach then by giving in to doing something they know you don't want to do.

Best of luck,
Amanda