Rion
05-12-2011, 12:51 AM
Hello everyone. I'm writing about a problem (or problems) that I've experienced over many years
which I'm not sure is OCD or not, but nevertheless causes me a great deal of strain and
anger/frustration/irritation, so I'm hoping you can help me deal with it and/or find some
answers to it's possible cause.
I'm 28 right now, but I can recall having intrusive thoughts that bothered me and that I couldn't
seem to find a resulution to as early as when I was 14. Over the last fourteen years they've
ranged from stuff like "I need to find out what the author thinks of this book before I can enjoy it"
to "I have deeply-buried sexual desire for my mother" (I don't) and "I should believe in God"
(I'm an atheist and I am happy that way)
Intensity-wise they range from a 3 on a scale of 10 (bothersome, but I can function) all the way up
to 8 or 9, in which case I am compelled to think about them. I've tried reasoning them out by
reading up on various topics on the Web, but they doesn't seem to work very well, and sometimes
I get discouraged because I put in effort and I don't seem to get anywhere. I've also thought
about self-harm before.
When they were very bad, a few years ago, I was put on Effexor for about a year or so, and that worked
quite well, but the side effects weren't easy to deal with. I've also taken Xanax and Ativan for
anxiety and they have helped with the anxiety, but not with the compulsions.
From reading up on various resources on the Net, I think that I may have some form of anxiety disorder,
especially since my mom and sister both suffer from panic attacks, and my mom also has agoraphobia and
high-blood pressure. I initially was unsure because my worries and thoughts didn't seem to tally with
most cases of OCD I've heard about (I didn't wash my hands, check the door etc) but now I am quite
certain that it's definitely anxiety-related.
I've been dealing with it quite well over the years (I think) and for a few years it hasn't appeared at
all, so I thought it was gone for good. However, about a month or so ago I began to get low-level (2
or 3 on a scale of 10) irrational thoughts and worries following a period of heightened stress and
anxiety (my grandmother passed away, I had worries regarding a dental operation, and some personal issues
came up) Usually what I do is try and relax and they go away after a while, (it can take months though)
but I'm at a point in my life where I want to do various things and the worries are hampering my ability
to do them.
I've done a lot of research and soul-searching over the years and I'm pretty certain that why these
worries and fears cropped is because of a series of unfortunate life events traced back to when I was 12 -
my parents divorced, my dad lost his job, we moved to the USA for a while and came back (to Singapore),
my Mom had hyperthyroidism and abused my sister and I (not on purpose), I dropped out of school etc.
It hasn't been an easy life. I've been alternately diagnosed with depression, trauma, and some form of OCD
(which I suspect this is) So far it seems to come back in periods of extreme stress and anxiety - I had
my worst period (the self-harm, 8 or 9 worries) when I was thrown out of my house at 21-22.
Throughout it all I've had the support of a good psychologist and psychiatrist, and my own personal
resources and spirituality, so I can weather it a lot better than I once did. The 3 that I'm now
experiencing doesn't bother me a LOT, but I'm actually at a stage in life in which I am putting things
in order, and saying goodbye to the past, so I'd like to put this behind me if possible.
My own theory of what is happening is that in the past things built up to such a point in which I didn't
know how to deal with them, so all the stress and anxiety comes out in irrational fears and worries.
Even now when I'm much better, it's possible that the body "remembers" an old way to "deal" with
stress, so it recurs. Although I've done a lot of research and reading about psychology, I do plan to
discuss this with my doctors and not take it as gospel truth, but I thought I'd toss this out here.
My therapist has prescribed some ways to try to integrate the bodily responses with the mind, but
not all have been very effective.
Wow this was a long post, I didn't realize just how long until I got here! Anyway, thanks for reading
and I hope I haven't bored you to death yet. I am still trying to find good ways to deal with these
worries, and still searching for what are the causes of the this behavior so I don't have to suffer
from it anymore. Any kind of help would be appreciated.
To those of you who are suffering similar maladies or afflictions, my heart goes out to all of you,
and indeed everyone here. Remember that you're not alone and we are all here for each other.
Things WILL get better, and I'm not just saying that, because I've seen them get better, and I've
made them better for myself - as will you. I hope we can all help each other out here!
which I'm not sure is OCD or not, but nevertheless causes me a great deal of strain and
anger/frustration/irritation, so I'm hoping you can help me deal with it and/or find some
answers to it's possible cause.
I'm 28 right now, but I can recall having intrusive thoughts that bothered me and that I couldn't
seem to find a resulution to as early as when I was 14. Over the last fourteen years they've
ranged from stuff like "I need to find out what the author thinks of this book before I can enjoy it"
to "I have deeply-buried sexual desire for my mother" (I don't) and "I should believe in God"
(I'm an atheist and I am happy that way)
Intensity-wise they range from a 3 on a scale of 10 (bothersome, but I can function) all the way up
to 8 or 9, in which case I am compelled to think about them. I've tried reasoning them out by
reading up on various topics on the Web, but they doesn't seem to work very well, and sometimes
I get discouraged because I put in effort and I don't seem to get anywhere. I've also thought
about self-harm before.
When they were very bad, a few years ago, I was put on Effexor for about a year or so, and that worked
quite well, but the side effects weren't easy to deal with. I've also taken Xanax and Ativan for
anxiety and they have helped with the anxiety, but not with the compulsions.
From reading up on various resources on the Net, I think that I may have some form of anxiety disorder,
especially since my mom and sister both suffer from panic attacks, and my mom also has agoraphobia and
high-blood pressure. I initially was unsure because my worries and thoughts didn't seem to tally with
most cases of OCD I've heard about (I didn't wash my hands, check the door etc) but now I am quite
certain that it's definitely anxiety-related.
I've been dealing with it quite well over the years (I think) and for a few years it hasn't appeared at
all, so I thought it was gone for good. However, about a month or so ago I began to get low-level (2
or 3 on a scale of 10) irrational thoughts and worries following a period of heightened stress and
anxiety (my grandmother passed away, I had worries regarding a dental operation, and some personal issues
came up) Usually what I do is try and relax and they go away after a while, (it can take months though)
but I'm at a point in my life where I want to do various things and the worries are hampering my ability
to do them.
I've done a lot of research and soul-searching over the years and I'm pretty certain that why these
worries and fears cropped is because of a series of unfortunate life events traced back to when I was 12 -
my parents divorced, my dad lost his job, we moved to the USA for a while and came back (to Singapore),
my Mom had hyperthyroidism and abused my sister and I (not on purpose), I dropped out of school etc.
It hasn't been an easy life. I've been alternately diagnosed with depression, trauma, and some form of OCD
(which I suspect this is) So far it seems to come back in periods of extreme stress and anxiety - I had
my worst period (the self-harm, 8 or 9 worries) when I was thrown out of my house at 21-22.
Throughout it all I've had the support of a good psychologist and psychiatrist, and my own personal
resources and spirituality, so I can weather it a lot better than I once did. The 3 that I'm now
experiencing doesn't bother me a LOT, but I'm actually at a stage in life in which I am putting things
in order, and saying goodbye to the past, so I'd like to put this behind me if possible.
My own theory of what is happening is that in the past things built up to such a point in which I didn't
know how to deal with them, so all the stress and anxiety comes out in irrational fears and worries.
Even now when I'm much better, it's possible that the body "remembers" an old way to "deal" with
stress, so it recurs. Although I've done a lot of research and reading about psychology, I do plan to
discuss this with my doctors and not take it as gospel truth, but I thought I'd toss this out here.
My therapist has prescribed some ways to try to integrate the bodily responses with the mind, but
not all have been very effective.
Wow this was a long post, I didn't realize just how long until I got here! Anyway, thanks for reading
and I hope I haven't bored you to death yet. I am still trying to find good ways to deal with these
worries, and still searching for what are the causes of the this behavior so I don't have to suffer
from it anymore. Any kind of help would be appreciated.
To those of you who are suffering similar maladies or afflictions, my heart goes out to all of you,
and indeed everyone here. Remember that you're not alone and we are all here for each other.
Things WILL get better, and I'm not just saying that, because I've seen them get better, and I've
made them better for myself - as will you. I hope we can all help each other out here!