Can someone help?

[leon]

Hi, I have been suffering with anxiety since I was 13, I'm now 43. I am happily married with two kids and a rubbish social life, I have two specific problems, my minor anxiety is the fear of the unknown, on a day/night out, I need to know beforehand everything that will happen (which obviously isn't possible) but the major anxiety is very specific, I have a totally irrational fear of strip clubs. This has been bought on I beleive by the fact that I work in an industry that is very male dominated and strip clubs feature very prominately when we have to go away on business (about 8 times a year) when we finish the day business we have a meal in the hotel and then someone will always suggest a strip club, I am not a prude at all but I just find them uncomfortable, but the peer pressure to go is immense and I can't take much more. Iam due to go to Barcelona soon and some guy has already googled all the strip clubs. I wish I could be more assertive and I wish they would respect my views. As I said at the start I have been suffering with anxiety nearly all my life, my G.P. has had me on citalipram for about a year and they seem to help, but not leading up to the dreaded event. Can someone please help, does anyone suffer like me?

[Ratzinger]

Leon, it is not prudish nor irrational to not want to go to a strip club when married with children. Although it might not terrify other men in the same way it terrifies you, I think most married men would be uncomfortable and nervous about going, even if it was just on the fear of getting caught! Heck, I have a girlfriend of only 6 months, and if I was dragged to a strip club, I'd be terrified of her finding out! I'd be saying no as well, and I'm unmarried!

What you might find easier is being assertive before the event, rather than as people are going to the strip club. You don't even need to be too serious about it. Just say maybe a week before the trip with a smile, "Oh I'm gonna pass on the strip clubs this time round fellas." You don't need to say you have a fear of them or anything like that - if pushed just say "Meh, I don't enjoy it - I'm always worried the wife will find out and I can't enjoy it!" This would be a normal reaction from any married guy, and I imagine they probably won't be bothered by it - sure, they'll probably go "Aww, come on" or whatever, but if you stay firm and just say "No, what's the point, I won't enjoy it!" then I'm sure they'll back down.

I'll say it again - it isn't normal for a married guy with kids to go to a strip club, and you are being the normal one, not them. Also, if you say no, you might find that a few others also go "Yehhh, I don't fancy it either!" I hope this helps!

[leon]

Hi Ratzinger,
Thanks for the reply, everything you say makes perfect sense, but when my anxiety takes over all logical thinking goes out the window, I just wish I could remain logical and calm when faced with this problem.

[lifeconfusion6179]

Well what exactly is it about the strip club that makes you anxious? Is it the beautiful women? Worried your wife will be bothered by it? Or maybe you feel like you might enjoy yourself and feel guilty? To tackle the problem you have to realize what is actually making you anxious and then tackle it from there. Hope this helps.

[rchippex]

Hi Leon, I hope you are well,

First off you are not alone in the way you feel particularly with anxiety. Many more people than you can imagine suffer from some form or other. Do not worry about your aversion to strip clubs. It only makes you a better person. You know who you are and you know what you like and dislike and you should never change that for the sake of peer pressure. Stick by your guns and when the guys start winding you up about not wanting to go just tell them that that is your decision and that it is final. Maybe suggest something different or simply go back to your room and enjoy a nice relaxing night while they go out and waste their money. You do not have to do anything you dont agree with. If you fear a strip club then why force yourself to go. They can be uncomfortable places. Having only been to one a handful of times it can be quite daunting when all of a sudden you have all these pervy guys around you leaching over girls who are willing to act like they want you simply to get your money. It is not really a nice place to be. I would consider myself a gentlemen and the sight of guys treating women like pieces of meat for sale quite frankly bothers me. It is for this reason that I just dont go to strip clubs.

Aside from the strip clubs now and on to your social anxiety. I used to have very similar issues to yourself especially when going out and one of the most useful things I ever read and that worked for me was this: 'No matter how you feel about something do not fight it. Let yourself just be'. Accept the thoughts and let them in. Only then can you see that they are only thoughts. If you try to over analyze everything you are only feeding the anxiety more by tiring your mind and over thinking things. Try it. Honestly it works. You will be amazed at the difference it makes. The very next time you get the feeling of dread just tell yourself in your head that it is only a feeling. A feeling cant hurt you. Accept it and carry on with what you were doing regardless of how it makes you feel at the time. It sounds like backwards logic but it really works. The majority of anxiety in my case was self perpetuating because of fear. I would get anxious and then fear the anxiety and worry about the thoughts and cause myself even more worrying thoughts. I promise you this works Leon. Do not try to tackle the problem head on as such but accept it.

After a month or so of letting yourself JUST BE you will get to the end of a day and be like. Hey, I just had a good day. That one good day then gives you the fuel to dismiss the feelings even more and before you know it the good days will become more and more frequent. I suffered for 2 years before I used this technique and it was the turning point of my life. I used to freak out and work and feel like running out of the office but all those feelings are gone. I have been trying to pass this message on as much as possible to others who have these problems as it really did turn my life around. I am not selling any book and there is no profit in it for me. I want to help as I was helped and if I can only improve one persons life I would consider my attempts successful. We all have the power to change our lives. Your brain is like a computer and you can reprogram it. Something changed to make you start feeling like this and now you can change it back.

Do not fear your thoughts. Embrace them and everytime you feel bad tell yourself to just be. I mean literally tell yourself the following in your head. 'So what, I am just going to be how I am going to be'.

You can be anxiety free. I know it and deep down you will too. You just have to believe.

[leon]

Hi rchippex,
I just wanted to say thank you for a fantastic reply, it lightens my mood to know there is someone else who understands, as you can tell I have no interest in strip clubs but I do enjoy a drink with the lads, it seems to me that once someone suggest a club nobody has the courage to say no except me, and then the peer pressure starts and it can be quite nasty, then I turn aggresive and overeact, that just makes the problem worse, I will try your suggestion and take a leap of faith, once again, thanks for a very understanding and intelligent reply. Leon.

[rchippex]

I am really glad to see that my response has helped you Leon. With regard to nobody else having the courage to stand up and say something I wouldnt be surprised. A lot of people feel the need to be accepted so strongly that they will just go along with whatever the next guy says just to fit in. I used to be the same myself as 90% of people are. These days I do as I want and never let pressure from others influence my decisions. It is my life and I will be damned if I am going to live it the way someone else wants me to. Only this weekend gone it was my stag do/bachelor party(?) and I decided a while ago to give up drinking as it always triggered my anxiety particularly the day after (and costs way too much). A lot of people treat someone who doesn't drink as a strange person but I explained my reasons to my friends knowing that those who cared about me in anyway would understand and not put pressure on me to go out drinking. I am proud to say that I decided to go paint balling followed by a meal at a restaurant and all the lads were great. We had one drink with the meal and I was home by 9:50pm. Exactly what I wanted. Everyone said the next day what a great day it was and that they felt great not having a hangover to deal with and the fact that they could actually remember it. Sometimes people need to try something different just to realise that drinking and hangovers etc are not the only way to have a good time.

Definetly stay true to your morals Leon and never let anyone else make you feel that you have to conform. People would be very boring if they were all the same and you should feel proud that you want to be different and not go with the masses. The next time these guys start getting on your back just say no if that is what you want to say and then if they start having a go at you just walk away. It is not worth getting angry about it as it is just them trying to get you to conform to their way of thinking. They are the weak ones who crave the social acceptance of their peers and although many may even agree with your way of thinking they would not openly admit it for fear of receiving the kind of taunts that you likely get for sticking up for yourself.

I for one respect you for having the courage to say no. It is not always easy in the kind of society we live in these days where it has become acceptable to effectively bully people into conforming to our views.

Keep smiling =)
Rik.

[Eduardo]

I sincerely believe you should hold your own ground.
just try to say NO for once and see what happens.

the sky is not going to fall over you :)

[danstelter]

Hi Ratzinger,
Thanks for the reply, everything you say makes perfect sense, but when my anxiety takes over all logical thinking goes out the window, I just wish I could remain logical and calm when faced with this problem.

I'm not sure that anyone who is put in an uncomfortable position where they don't want to do something would react in a calm and assertive manner - there's always some anxiety.

If you remember the fact that doing the right thing will lead to you feeling the best, then doing the right thing becomes much easier. And, if your "friends" push you to do things you don't want to and continue to fail to respect the boundary you have set in the future, then these guys are not really your friends. Maybe, if the pressure is too intense, it's time to find a job where you don't get pressured to do things that you don't want to do.

Just some things to consider.