Something to get off my chest

[Jaseis]

Greets all.
I guess I've always suffered with the burden of anxiety which I inherited from my father, but it's never got this bad. Ive had episodes in the past where I will get so scared about my health (it's mostly cancer or diseases with no symptoms that worry me). I spend days on the internet looking for answers, each time I find one my mind finds something to cancel that out and I look for other things until I reach a point where I have to do something to take my mind off of it, which in the past has been starving myself, overdosing, drinking. But I learnt to deal with it and break that cycle a while back and shrugged off the 'anxiety weeks'.
Recently it's been getting worse...I've been having mood swings that can last for any amount of time (usually a day or a night) which triggers anxiety and thoughts of doom (sounds clichè but I'm not sure how to describe it). I've lost interest in college and every day feels like too much of a drag. I'm scared how my family are seeing me, so I supress it and hide it, which is always a bad idea. I know I'm rambling but I cannot possibly structure how I'm thinking.
I'm on the fence on whether to ask for help for fear of letting someone in. I'm comfortable not feeling happy because then I don't have anything to lose anymore. I'm terrified of building myself up to get knocked down again. My anxiety of gaining weight has returned again which is even more terrifying because then I'm scared of the health problems I'm gonna cause. But then out of nowhere my mood changes and I don't care anymore, which leads my to smoke more, take painkillers for no reason, binge eat and skip college.
I have no idea what to do anymore. And thank you to the community for giving me the opportunity to get this off my chest. I'm in the caring mood right now, which means I can see a bit more logically than when I'm in that other mood.
Sorry for rambling
Jase

[belle64]

Hi jase
I understand what u mean about there being two moods kinda thing, I have a mood when I'm worried about anything and everything and also a worse mood when I don't care about anything which is where I am now and have been for weeks. I keep it from my family too. Find it hard keeping it from my mum, as I feel sick all day everyday and have to pretend that I'm fine. When really I'm scared of feeling sick which makes me feel sick (if that makes sense) and I feel really low like life can't go quick enough. I wake up in the morning and immediately pray for the end of the day. You are not alone
BELLE

[Jaseis]

Thank you so much for replying belle. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one here who feels like a bi-polar wreck. Even now, I feel totally different to how I felt 3 hours ago which is frustrating...there is no consistency which I'm scared of. I have no idea when I'll next care about anything :( frustration is one of the worst things for me to deal with...I'm crawling in my skin sometimes.
I tell you now thou, nothing is worse than that feeling of doom...the sickness, the crazy swirl of emotions you get, that horrible drop in your stomach and the feeling of eternity. That sick feeling is terrible and you are not alone on that one.
Jaseis

[belle64]

I know what u mean with the doomed feelings, I just sit there thinking this is it, this is what my lifes gonna be like forever and there's nothing I can do about it. Its nice to talk to someone who understands and is going through the same thing. How long have you felt like this?
BELLE

[Jaseis]

Well I'm 18 and my parents say I've had symptoms of anxiety all my life. With the mood swings and doomed feelings I had a bad time with it summer of 09 and since then it's been on and off. Night times are getting harder

[belle64]

Night times used to be the worst for me too, I'd be up for hours with horrible thoughts and worry. At the moment I can't wait to get to bed so I can just be on my own. Sleeping is my only escape from this nightmare. Glad there's younger people to talk to on here, I'm 21, meant to be enjoying life!
BELLE

[murdoch]

In such a scenario it is advisable to go for some change. It wreck havoc in the life of a person.