KarlyJ
04-28-2011, 07:40 PM
Warning: Rant. Read only if you want to.
I don't know where else to start, so I guess it will be here with this forum. My name is Karly and I'm 17. I have not been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, probably never will be because I couldn't ever afford the therapy. But I definitely have one.
I don't recognize myself anymore. I haven't for months, and even before that it was building up without my knowledge. I'm not myself around others because I'm afraid to be. I'm not even myself to me anymore. I tell myself lies and let myself slip into denial because it makes things easier. I know it's a cliche, but I've built up walls and locked myself outside of them. I can't access the feelings I know that I have deeper down, because I've been pushing them away from me for years.
I've always had low-self esteem but usually it did not stop me from expressing myself and realizing that I at least had some things going for me. As a pre-teen and in my early teen years I thought I was extremely flawed, but I realize now that I was far more beautiful then then I am now, because I let myself be me. I used to write a lot, essays, songs, poetry, and I was good. My emotion, my thoughts and opinions flowed easily onto paper and I would let anyone read the words I wrote. I wanted them to see me, understand me. I can't do it anymore. The words don't come out right, or don't come at all. I sing too, or at least I used to. I have a halfway decent singing voice and I used that also to express myself. But I can't feel music anymore, can't relate to it like I used to because my emotions are buried down. And somehow it seems I can't sing as well as I used to, not just noticed by me but by others too, as if the anxiety has triggered some kind of physical repression.
Every day I ask myself where that person is now, that beautiful, talented girl who wanted the whole world to understand her and thought that she had the power to make them. The one who was clever and insightful. The anxiety swallowed her whole. She feared not ever being fully accepted or appreciated. So she stopped trying to be herself. And now I miss her. I know she is still a part of me, but she's buried so deep and I don't know how to find her.
It's hard to say this because I've convinced myself that nobody will care enough to take my feelings into consideration and because certain people have taught me that my emotions are a weakness and that I shouldn't show them. But know I'm only alone in this if I keep letting myself be, so that's why I'm here. I don't know even that I'm asking for help, but I am asking for people to listen to me and encourage me to be myself. Feel free to send me a message if you want, I will answer it gladly.
And thank you for reading.. I really appreciate your time.
I don't know where else to start, so I guess it will be here with this forum. My name is Karly and I'm 17. I have not been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, probably never will be because I couldn't ever afford the therapy. But I definitely have one.
I don't recognize myself anymore. I haven't for months, and even before that it was building up without my knowledge. I'm not myself around others because I'm afraid to be. I'm not even myself to me anymore. I tell myself lies and let myself slip into denial because it makes things easier. I know it's a cliche, but I've built up walls and locked myself outside of them. I can't access the feelings I know that I have deeper down, because I've been pushing them away from me for years.
I've always had low-self esteem but usually it did not stop me from expressing myself and realizing that I at least had some things going for me. As a pre-teen and in my early teen years I thought I was extremely flawed, but I realize now that I was far more beautiful then then I am now, because I let myself be me. I used to write a lot, essays, songs, poetry, and I was good. My emotion, my thoughts and opinions flowed easily onto paper and I would let anyone read the words I wrote. I wanted them to see me, understand me. I can't do it anymore. The words don't come out right, or don't come at all. I sing too, or at least I used to. I have a halfway decent singing voice and I used that also to express myself. But I can't feel music anymore, can't relate to it like I used to because my emotions are buried down. And somehow it seems I can't sing as well as I used to, not just noticed by me but by others too, as if the anxiety has triggered some kind of physical repression.
Every day I ask myself where that person is now, that beautiful, talented girl who wanted the whole world to understand her and thought that she had the power to make them. The one who was clever and insightful. The anxiety swallowed her whole. She feared not ever being fully accepted or appreciated. So she stopped trying to be herself. And now I miss her. I know she is still a part of me, but she's buried so deep and I don't know how to find her.
It's hard to say this because I've convinced myself that nobody will care enough to take my feelings into consideration and because certain people have taught me that my emotions are a weakness and that I shouldn't show them. But know I'm only alone in this if I keep letting myself be, so that's why I'm here. I don't know even that I'm asking for help, but I am asking for people to listen to me and encourage me to be myself. Feel free to send me a message if you want, I will answer it gladly.
And thank you for reading.. I really appreciate your time.