Travis Bickle
04-28-2011, 05:54 AM
Today i know why, today i know why i never became the successful person everyone, more or less, expected me to become.
I am 29 years old, ive been into 3 universities, never graduate.
Today i sited in the class room again, after 2 months of holidays from a professional course i am taking and as soon i sit i found my self in a place that i know very well.
A place where my body start's to tremble in micro moves, a place where my stomach is nothing but a no ending hollow, where my throat get's tight, my hands sweaty, my eyes wide open, my hearth jumps and my alert system is 100 % full on.
Even the possibility of been asked to read a trivial paragraph accelerates all the last symptoms to max frequency, to a frequency where anxiety meet's panic.
My mind, the same that wonders and question in surprise all the abnormal body symptoms, the same that asks why, why this is happening ? Is the same mind that questions in fear, How my voice will sound ? Will i look nervous ? Nervous is weak ! I am gonna be able to read ? i am gonna choke ? Will i be able to breath till the end of the reading ? Will he ask me something after ? Everyone will be looking at me ... This Mind
Today i know why, why i started avoiding class's, getting bad grades, getting disappointed, disinterested, unable to turn everything around and finally quitting, thinking that course was not for me or blaming something else.
Today i know, lack of confidence, in a society where your capacity is assessed by your skill to interact with others in social gatherings is like not having a leg and be expected to run
I know that no one can help me, i know that only me can overcome this, only i can educate, control, sharpen, re-direct my mind. I believe that from the 100.000 users of this forum 99% comes here hoping to find that sight of light that will ultimately guides them to a place where anxiety is nothing more that a mere thrill of bearable excitement.
I know that theory can help me understand why somethings happen but i also know that only a strong, sincere and to the core emotional effort can pick me up every time that doubt and fear arrest my mind.
Nevertheless, i am going back to Uni, for the fourth time in my live, i am gonna move to another continent to go and try one more time, because the will to succeed is stronger than this heavy force that threatens to send me down the hill every time i have the audacity to climb to the top.
[]
I am 29 years old, ive been into 3 universities, never graduate.
Today i sited in the class room again, after 2 months of holidays from a professional course i am taking and as soon i sit i found my self in a place that i know very well.
A place where my body start's to tremble in micro moves, a place where my stomach is nothing but a no ending hollow, where my throat get's tight, my hands sweaty, my eyes wide open, my hearth jumps and my alert system is 100 % full on.
Even the possibility of been asked to read a trivial paragraph accelerates all the last symptoms to max frequency, to a frequency where anxiety meet's panic.
My mind, the same that wonders and question in surprise all the abnormal body symptoms, the same that asks why, why this is happening ? Is the same mind that questions in fear, How my voice will sound ? Will i look nervous ? Nervous is weak ! I am gonna be able to read ? i am gonna choke ? Will i be able to breath till the end of the reading ? Will he ask me something after ? Everyone will be looking at me ... This Mind
Today i know why, why i started avoiding class's, getting bad grades, getting disappointed, disinterested, unable to turn everything around and finally quitting, thinking that course was not for me or blaming something else.
Today i know, lack of confidence, in a society where your capacity is assessed by your skill to interact with others in social gatherings is like not having a leg and be expected to run
I know that no one can help me, i know that only me can overcome this, only i can educate, control, sharpen, re-direct my mind. I believe that from the 100.000 users of this forum 99% comes here hoping to find that sight of light that will ultimately guides them to a place where anxiety is nothing more that a mere thrill of bearable excitement.
I know that theory can help me understand why somethings happen but i also know that only a strong, sincere and to the core emotional effort can pick me up every time that doubt and fear arrest my mind.
Nevertheless, i am going back to Uni, for the fourth time in my live, i am gonna move to another continent to go and try one more time, because the will to succeed is stronger than this heavy force that threatens to send me down the hill every time i have the audacity to climb to the top.
[]