It's Back!

[Henry2128]

After years of coping and rebuilding after suffering from anxiety and panic, i've finally ended up in the bad place :(
I'm 37 and had my first bad experience when i was 21. At that age i partied to hard and didn't look after myself very well. I started to worry about a minor problem with my car and ended up having a panic attacks that triggered another and another. At that time i had no idea what was going on. I went to my GP and he had no clue. I kept going back for weeks and he even sent me to a tropical disease dept! I eventually found a book by Dr Claire Weeks and realised it might be this 'Anxiety Disorder' i'd never even heard of it? i then read about panic attacks and finally asked my GP if i could see a therapist. He recognised the disorder and after soon CBT and many months practice i was back in control and each year got better and better.
Since then i've had the odd moment but always sorted it out and got back on with life.
Recently over the past 8 months i've been under a ridiculous amount of stress, fuelling myself with caffeine and nicotine, eating badly working through the weekends and not having any timeout. And guess what? yes the panic attacks started at the worst possible time, At work a couple of weeks ago just before i was about to take a meeting! Well i did what i always did before controlled my breathing and pushed ahead with no one noticing. I managed to keep this up for a few days but i just felt worse and worse not being to able think or concentrate on work, not sleeping having night panics and then a complete sense of dread before returning to work.
I eventually couldn't face it anymore and talked it through with the boss then went off on the sick. Went straight to the docs and explained my anxiety disorder had returned and i couldn't control it like before. He suggested a week of rest then see how it goes. Well i spent a week trying not to accept that i was blown out and then spent the day before work dreading going back which ended up with me phoning in sick again. Back to the docs now signed off and been prescribed Citalopram 20mgs. Agreed to give them a go as i needed to take something to help.
Started taking them and after the 4 day was suffering worse anxiety and panic especially at night.
Should i keep on them and ride it out?
Going to make an appointment to see the therapist.
am i avoiding work? or should i try and rest first before facing it again?
I feel that i'm forcing myself to go back because i need to overcome the anxiety but not strong enough to cope yet

[stressed]

Hi Henry, I am new to this forum and your story sounds so familiar. I am also on 20mg Citalopram and recently been given Phenergan 25mg to help me sleep. It all start for me at night when I was waking up with a pounding heart, sweating, legs shaking and the fear of dying. It's been 6 months now and although the attacks are few and far between my Anxiety level day to day is at an all time high. I find that sitting around doing nothing makes it worse. When I'm in work I hardly notice it. Even now I'm having stwinges in my chest and feel all tense. I went through a patch of self medicating with Alcohol but although it relaxed me at the time then next day I felt even worse.

[Henry2128]

Hi Henry, I am new to this forum and your story sounds so familiar. I am also on 20mg Citalopram and recently been given Phenergan 25mg to help me sleep. It all start for me at night when I was waking up with a pounding heart, sweating, legs shaking and the fear of dying. It's been 6 months now and although the attacks are few and far between my Anxiety level day to day is at an all time high. I find that sitting around doing nothing makes it worse. When I'm in work I hardly notice it. Even now I'm having stwinges in my chest and feel all tense. I went through a patch of self medicating with Alcohol but although it relaxed me at the time then next day I felt even worse.

Hi, how long have you been on the Citalopram? I'm havin trouble at the mo because i've burnt out and need something to help me recover and make my CBT more effective so i can get back to work. But i know many useful techniques that can help you. First off you're probably havin the old night terrors because of a high anxiety during the day. Have you tried CBT? or tried relaxation techniques? The physical symtoms are the hardest to deal with to begin with. I first started to control them by recognising them as anxiety symtoms and letting them pass by not fighting them, remember if they were going to harm you they would have by now regardless of how you might think you are controlling them. They pass quite quickly if you let them but if your anxious you need to give the general feeling alot longer to die down but i garantee you it will. You'll need to keep it up. Remember the meds are a support, that's what i'm hoping to use them as. Plus once you've controlled a few anxiety moments your one step closer to a great life.
Good luck

[stressed]

I've been on Citalopram for 8 months now, when I was first given them my wife saw a hugh improvement. But now it seems they are not working as well as they did initially. I am having sessions with a counsellor and was given Diazipam a couple of weeks ago when I had a really bad patch, but my GP said it was a one off and doesnt want me taking them regular. I have also started in the local Gym (on advice of my GP) but because of the symptoms, Heart palputations mainly it takes a lot of effort to get me there.

[Henry2128]

I've been on Citalopram for 8 months now, when I was first given them my wife saw a hugh improvement. But now it seems they are not working as well as they did initially. I am having sessions with a counsellor and was given Diazipam a couple of weeks ago when I had a really bad patch, but my GP said it was a one off and doesnt want me taking them regular. I have also started in the local Gym (on advice of my GP) but because of the symptoms, Heart palputations mainly it takes a lot of effort to get me there.

Yea i'm hopeing the meds take the edge off so i can start rebuilding.

Just keep remembering they are anxious sensations that won't hurt. For reassurance ask your doc to get you fully checked over including a full cardiac study. A friend of mine recently had to change from Citalopram because they do stop being as effective after a while. And if you haven't addressed the original problem the anxiety will start to come back. Try the CBT and remember the symtoms won't hurt.

[stressed]

For reassurance ask your doc to get you fully checked over including a full cardiac study.


I had an ECG & 24HR heart monitor about 1 year ago when I had the first symptoms (allthough at the time no one linked them to anxiety) they came back normal. I also get a high pitch noise in my ear/head which gets worse as my anxiety increase. But it's pretty much constant at asome degree, but its not bothering me to much.

Good Luck with the Citalopram

[Henry2128]

Good Luck with the Citalopram

Thanks and good luck to yourself :)

[Henry2128]

Hi Kev
Yes i definately agree, as before i intend to use the tools i already have (CBT and relaxation) these helped me before. i have decided to try the meds to help me as a support and get me back to work. I intend to see the therapist again the top up on the CBT and check i'm on the right path.
I'm just beating myself up over weather i'm still to burnt out to go back or i'm just avoiding. I think it's a bit of both.
So as before i've made a action plan to stick to. Hopefully this will help me stop worrying.

[Henry2128]

Face it head on and behave yourself next time and get it before it gets to bad and you should be right .

cheers kev

Yes you're right, as much as i find it hard to accept this is what i must do. It's going to be dam hard but it's the only way. Avoiding is the worst thing.

My plan is to have a chat with the guys from work and let them know what's going on, explain i need a bit of support when i come back to work. If they know whats going on it will be easier for me to face in the morning. They're all nice guys and i'm not ashamed of my problem in the slightest.
Getting back to work is my priority now

[Henry2128]

Ok so i thought i would update how things are going. It's been a few weeks now since i posted and i'm now making some positive steps.
First of all i gave up the meds after a few days, realised that they were making my worrys worse at the time. I decided that it's a case of re training my brain. But it's not been easy at all!
What i have done so far.
Realised that i can't for now trust my memorys of events i'm anxious about. I will face the events and it's not as bad as i though and usually better. Then after i seem to forget it wasn't that bad and feel as though i can't face it again! This avoidance gets worse the longer the time gap which is very annoying and brings the anxiety back up.
I'm using the method of writing the worse, most probable and best outcome before the event then writing what happened straight after before my mind distorts the memorys and actually so far the outcome has been more towards the best predicted outcome.This is beginning to help and starts to re-enforce that positive memory. I will say that it doesn't work straight away it's definately a gradual thing.
I've also realised that when anxious my worrys are far far more negative.
I've used relaxation methods and breathing to reduce my general anxiety.
In a place that was a previous trigger i've used positive thinking and breathing to get through to retrain my brain that i'm not in danger no need to panic. I believe the more i do this my brain won't see it as a panic trigger.
I do things like look around, and try and see why i'm in danager.

Anyway my main fear was going to work, it would make me panic at the thought of it but after 3 weeks of avoiding it i decided the only way out of here is to find a way to face it.
My therapist pointed out that i had developed a kind of phobia and should face i gradually as "Flooding" is rarely successful.
Luckily i have an understanding employer so i first spoke to my boss and told him Everything that is going on. He was very understanding and agreed to help me get back.
So i decided on what i could cope with and went back 2 hours a day. (i can't do much as i'm pretty mentaly exhausted from the previous stress and the anxiety of going back)
Today was my second day, the first day was the hardest thing i have ever done in my entire life, really really hard. But once i got in there it was completely not how i thought i was going to be, it wasn't that bad at all i felt anxious but nothing like i thought. I disscussed with my work mates what was going on and they are all now giving me extra support.
Second day was better, though as i said earlier my brain had twisted the good day memory over the weekend back into a "You can't go back" memory making me panic again sunday about going back, but i belived in my notes from friday and went and it was fine. So have decided to keep it up and understand that there could still be some bad days. Still have the anxiety but just allowing time for it to reduce as i get my life back.
The original problem of stress and diet has been addressed.
I will try and keep you posted.
I still have fears that i will slip back further but i'm hopeing that with time my confidence will grow and as long as i keep the stress at bay and the diet/exercise good i should come out better than before i went in.
:)

[Nikita]

Yhr best thing to do is to face it straight on, I agree. I being weak at the time took what the Dr. gavce me and it ended up putting me in bed for months. Then I had 2 problems, getting off and the anxiety and panic. We learn from our mistakes I guess and I learned the hard way.

[murdoch]

I guess you are doing well now with more strong will power to deal with such problems.

[Henry2128]

I guess you are doing well now with more strong will power to deal with such problems.

I wouldn't exactly say i'm doing well, yesterday was tough as i felt pretty down, today was tough but not so down, there is long way to go. Still not had another panic attack yet so still haven't learnt to deal with them yet but i feel a bit more determined to not let them be boss. Starting to not believe my predictions of what or how bad a day or event will be like before it happens. The CBT is helping with that but i still feel the apprehesion and nerves. The hardest thing to deal with at the moment is the annoying spaced out detatched and self concious feeling the anxiety causes when trying to interact with other people. But everyday i noted wheather it's actually caused me to not function and this is starting to make me let it go.I've kept a journal and even though i don't feel that much improvement, when looking back i can see i'm able to do more than before. This is the forth week and i'm still working my way back up so it just goes to show that this is a long term recovery. But to anyone starting this journey i would say that its not all been tough i try to hang on to the small things that have made me relaxed and happy and not expect too much. I also try to remember the part in claire weeks book that said the recovery path is not all up but more like a series of ups and downs.