Significant Other With GAD

[Shmafo1]

Hello everyone. I found this forum, and although I myself do not suffer from anxiety, my boyfriend does and I was hoping that maybe someone had advice or could shed some light that may help me handle this better.

He's had anxiety in the past, but when I met him he was his normal self. His symptoms relapsed back in October, and got really bad in December and January. New Years Eve was spent in the house because he couldn't leave, and almost ended up in the ER. So we played board games at home instead. His symptoms started to subside after starting the Linden Method (an anxiety program designed to help gain control over your own mind) as he did not want to resort to taking medication. And he was doing very well, and then he decided to try to drink alcohol again about a month ago... and his anxiety symptoms have come back, and are worse than December/January.

His concerns before were missing classes or work because of his symptoms (racing mind, not being able to sleep, not being able to concentrate long enough to study for an exam, shakiness, bouts of depression) and he had to come home just yesterday before an exam because of his symptoms, and he made it through about 2 hours of work today before having to go home. He's going to start taking Lexapro in hopes that it'll help.

I wasn't really aware of GAD until recently, and I've done a lot of research on it in the past few months to try and better understand what my boyfriend is going through. The only thing I've really been told is to be understanding and patient (and patient is something I've never been).

I try my best to not get upset or angry when we cancel have to cancel plans because his symptoms make it impossible for him to function normally that day. I try to remind myself that it's not because he doesn't want to go to the movies or out to dinner or whatever, it's because he physically can't. Most times it works and I just try to plan something else, but sometimes I can't help but get disappointed or upset because something I was excited to do got canceled. Or going days without seeing him because he doesn't feel well.

I always tell myself that my boyfriend is still in there under all of those symptoms, but some days I feel helpless because I feel there's nothing I can do to help.

Any feedback or words on encouragement would be appreciated, or any stories of how any of your significant others have helped you in your battles with anxiety/depression. I'd greatly appreciate it.

[Shmafo1]

Thank you for your insight.

The good news is that he knows it's his mind telling him all of these things. He'll get suicidal thoughts, but knows he doesn't really want to end his life. I think that his physical symptoms got so bad yesterday and he just couldn't gain control of himself, so he went home where he knew he was safe.

On New Years, we didn't go where we were supposed to because he was scared to drive anywhere, fear of having an anxiety attack in the car while driving I'm sure.

He does push himself though. There will be days that he doesn't feel well, mentally or physically, but yet he'll still push himself to go to the movies (which he did last Saturday) or to drive to my house (which is a half hour from where he lives). Some days his symptoms are just so overwhelming for him though.

He's changed his diet, stays away from things known to increase anxiety. He meditates, and exercises a lot more now. He finds that jogging burns of energy and helps relax his mind, too.

We've read things about sufferers who haven't left their houses in months, who've lost their jobs and spouses because anxiety took over their lives. He's determined to overcome this (again) a little at a time. I encourage him as much as I can, although I don't push him. When he says he doesn't feel well, I usually make other plans, but I know that he isn't just laying in bed hiding under covers or anything. He's usually listening to relaxation music, or meditating, or playing a video game to occupy his mind. And he hasn't canceled very many plans at all. He still pushes himself when he doesn't feel well to still do whatever it was we planned, just sometimes his symptoms are overwhelming to him. We've learned that rushing his recovery stresses him out more, and causes setbacks.

Today he left work because of his symptoms. Tomorrow we have plans to go to the movies and he may be perfectly fine, completely different from today.

[Ratzinger]

I agree with kev on this one.

First, kudos for being so understanding. A lot of people think anxiety is something that can be treated with a slap, or being told to snap out of it. Yet there can be strong physiological elements too, and you are correct to note that there is a great deal of this that he can't do a lot about. I'm fairly new to getting anxiety, and I'm always surprised by its power - that when I get a wave of anxiety, it comes out of nowhere, and as much as I try to snap myself out of it, it can be impossible. A few years ago I would have assumed that people with anxiety were just wusses that needed to get a grip. No longer! Understanding that anxiety is a really powerful force, and that there is an uncontrollable element is the first step to understand it fully.

However, kev is also right to state that there is a lot that your boyfriend can do to help himself, and consequently there is a lot you can do to help him to help himself. You seem to have the understanding part down very well, and you are right not to force him too much - getting angry or pushy could turn anxiety into panic very quickly. When anxiety sufferers get an attack, we need to be able to calm down and relax, not to get wound up.

Yet you need to help him in order to make sure that he doesn't turn into a mess that can't function in the real world. His anxiety will feel like it is telling him "Stop doing this, you can't do it, stop, stop stop." So in an exam he will have a feeling of "Stop writing the exam, you can't do this, you must leave, give up and go NOW!!!" If he gives into this, he is screwed in the long term. He needs that counter voice that says "This is just anxiety, it will pass, you can do this", the voice that allows him to take a deep breath, let the anxiety wash over him and to continue whatever it is he is doing. He needs to control his anxiety instead of letting it control him. You need to be part of that counter voice.

One of the ways is to minimise what anxiety is. In our modern world it is tempting to label ourselves with an official sounding illness and say "I have GAD, as a result I suffer from a, b and c, and I cannot do x, y and z" as if it is a disease. Help him to see that there is little wrong with him, he has no disease, and he just gets a bit of anxiety from time to time. I found it helped not to refer to anxiety attacks as "attacks" which sounds violent, but instead as "a wave of anxiety" or "a turn" which sounds like a hot flush my Grandma would get when doing the ironing!Consequently when he has an anxiety attack he is more likely to approach it with an attitude of "Oh, I'm having one of my spells, it will pass" instead of "Oh my God, it's my illness that is crippling me! I must stop everything!"

Focus on the fact that he has gotten over this before. You indicated that he started drinking alcohol again, so he must have felt like he was over it. Remind he that he can get to that stage again. Focusing on the transitory nature of anxiety will help.

Finally, keep that gentle pressure on him to control and beat his anxiety, without pushing him too far. As an example, if you are going out to dinner and he has an attack, don't just say "Oh fine, we won't go." But you don't need to drag him outside as he is shaking either! Instead just say, "Oh you're having a bit of anxiety? Don't worry, just relax - let's watch an episode of Friends or something and we'll try again in 25 minutes!" This allows him to settle down, but it also pushes him to keep trying. When he finally gets out and he finds himself at dinner enjoying himself, it will remind him that he CAN do this. Yet if he lets his anxiety beat him then he will form a thought process of "I can't go out for dinner because of my GAD." and this will become permanent. Also the fact that anxiety is beating him will make the anxiety worse. So keep that pressure on him to be the controller of his anxiety.

On a final note, I just want to say that you are doing really well. I haven't told my girlfriend about my anxiety troubles, and I hope that if and when I do, she is as understanding as you have been. The patience you have shown to him, as well as the care in taking time to research GAD, and to come here and ask for help, tells me that you guys have something very special. Don't give up! :-)

[Shmafo1]

And today I am frustrated...

He called into work this morning. Didn't go. And he had left early yesterday. I don't want to PUSH, but I don't want him to sit here and let this take control over everything.

He had a bad anxiety episode this morning around 2am. He had taken a Lexapro yesterday morning, and isn't sure whether that was the cause or not, and now he's not sure whether to stick it out with the meds or not.

I made baked mac and cheese today, and when I asked if he'd like to brave going to the store with me, he didn't. I wanted to scream, "You NEED to go somewhere today, you can't just sit in the house and let this take over your mind!" But I didn't, because that wouldn't have been good.

He KNOWS what he needs to do to overcome this, he's done it before.He knows that all of the thoughts and whatnot are just the anxiety. But it's like right now he's just so overwhelmed because his symptoms this time are worse than last time. I don't want to enable him, but I don't want to push and rush him either. I guess I just need to find the happy medium between the two, because I don't want him missing out on things because he doesn't feel well enough to leave the house.

He's on a few forums and chats and helps other anxiety sufferers and whatnot. He did his meditation today and did some Tai Chi. So at least he's trying to be active, even though he didn't want to leave the house all day.

Today is a day that his anxiety is getting the best of me, and I'm just frustrated.