ImOkayHowAreYou
04-11-2011, 05:52 AM
THE "TOO LONG, CAN'T READ (BECAUSE IT MAKES ME ANXIOUS)" VERSION
(full version is below the next two paragraphs)
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Haven't had a job since 2003. I'm afraid of being judged. And every year that I don't have a job, it's going to look worse on an application/resume. Was afraid to talk to people and avoided them at all cost. Dropped out of college because teachers got too critical (this wasn't mentioned in the long version). Would stay in my room/apartment for days on end without going outside for fear of running into neighbors and having to talk to them.
On March 10, 2011 I had an episode which caused me to almost black out. I got really shakey, hungry and weak feeling. Like a severe low-blood sugar episode. Blood rushing to hands and feet. Feet feeling cold/hot at same time. This has been happening ever since. Thought I was having a heart attack and finally went to a hospital last week. They said heart is fine and suggested anxiety/panic disorder and that I would have to see a doctor/counselor to see if that's, in fact, what it is.
THE LONG VERSION (a.k.a. "zZZzZz")
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[My upbringing, in case it counts. If not, skip ahead to the next proper paragraph (this is several lumped into one). I'm 32. Male. Parents divorced twice by the age of 5. Father: abuser. Mother: alcoholic. Lived with dad and grandparents at age 8. Grandparents feared my dad. So did I. I would say he's kind of a sadist. Takes pleasure in humiliating people. Does not have the ability to be embarrassed himself. Doesn't matter than I'm 32. Doesn't matter that my cousins are in their 40s. He can somehow make everyone feel little. He 'hurt' his back backing into a street light while high and got early retirement and a settlement from work for making the pain worse over the years (15 years after the accident). Even though he lived with his parents, he was ashamed that I lived with him after high school. Mother has been on pain pills sincer her 'accident' in 2000. She fell down at a gas station and tried to sue. Since then, she's been living off of the government. She's verbally abusive and will also make you feel little. Mom doesn't get high enough to forget why she's mad at you. Her best defense is that she accuses me that I'm just like my father. Abusive. Which I am not. But she can convince you that you're the the devil. Haven't talked to my dad since my grandpa died two years ago. I keep in touch with my mom via text messages only. She says off the wall stuff that I usually ignore. I figure that's enough pre-history.]
So, I'm 32. I haven't had a job since 2003. My family says it's because I'm lazy. My mom understands more because she's the one who told me a few years ago that "it's probably anxiety". Maybe it's because my dad threatened two of my managers in 1998? Or maybe it's because he made me quit another job in 2002 (when I was 21, mind you). Maybe it's because a girl I dated who happened to be my supervisor at work somehow got me fired from work because we broke up (she has no soul).
Luckily from 2003 to 2007, I lived with a girl who had lots of money and let me live with her rent free. All I had to do was take care of her newborn daughter. I didn't expect to fall in love with her (the daughter) as if she were my own though. That was a big knife in the heart. I did nothing else when living with them, so when she met someone, it was time to give me the boot. But during that whole time, I barely left the apartment or house that we lived in. I would purposely avoid neighbors. I would even cancel plans with friends because the next door neighbors would be talking to other neighbors in their driveway.
I started community college in 2006 though. It was different. I wasn't afraid to go there. I loved meeting new friends. Yes, I was scared at first. But it seems that once I get past the being afraid part, it's completely okay. But the being afraid part just gets worse as the years go by.
So from 2006 to 2008 I went to school. Living off of extra school loan and grant money. Also living in my mom's basement (ha ha).
Met a girl at school. She turned out to be nuts. Kind of. I took her virginity though so that's probably why. Spent a lot of nights with her in her apartment. Mostly on school nights since she lived 20 miles closer to school than I did. I loved her. Only as a friend though. She did not like this. She was okay with me being jobless for awhile. But when I gave her the 'excuses', that's when I started hearing "I get like that too." And now everyone tells me "Everyone gets nervous! I'm just like you." Ugh.
Met another girl in 2008. She's 18 and I'm 29. But she takes care of me. She has been taking care of herself since 14 and got promoted to manager of her workplace after her 18th birthday. Very independent and had plenty of money. She took care of me. Well, at least till my school money ran out for the semester. She would stay the night at my mom's with me. She loved me even though I didn't work. She understood I was afraid, but eventually grew tired of it and didn't want to understand the 'anxiety' that I thought I had. Grew tired of dating the opposite gender as well. Now we both love women. Spent a month in my room. Hardly coming out. Didn't eat for 5 days. Lost weight too quickly. Had an odd case of severe arthritis for 2 weeks that came and went mysteriously.
A month after the breakup in 2009, I moved to my aunt, uncle and autistic cousin's house (although they'll all say his social security that he gets is because of asthma which is almost non-existent, but wink wink, whatever). My mom was causing me to feel more anxious which is why I left. Living with my aunt was no better. This family was crazy nuts. Way too nice of a family. That kind of nuts.
Within a few weeks I met my current girlfriend (it's June 2009). She's 25 now. A little better than 18, right? As with past girls, I explained my situation. She's cool with it. I stayed with her on weekends for awhile. That evolved to a week at a time around September. Then she lost her job and went on unemployment. And then I moved with her full time because of my crazy family. But we were living with her friend and it was weird so we got our own apartment in February of 2010. Still on unemployment she was somehow able to get an apartment with no additional help from me. Okay, so let's move this along.
Up until this point I have only had 3 or 4 panic attacks in the past ten years. One at the job with the ex-girlfriend supervisor, a couple times alone in my room and once while out that happened because I had accidentally offended my girlfriend's friend (previous roommate) and she voiced her opinion at me. I cried and looked very lame. Luckily she had her own problems and we quickly became friends again.
So everything's 'fine'. I never turn down an offer to hang out with my girlfriend's friends (who eventually become friends of mine). But I usually preferred them to come over as I still won't leave the apartment but once every 2-4 days maybe. The longest was about 12 days straight of staying in. I will admit that it's partially due to gaining weight over the years and now I hate the way I look and don't want people looking at me and my disgustingness. I look bigger than I feel I am. But sometimes it's vice versa. I was only 115 towards the end of high school. I did lost 40 lbs. when I met my girlfriend but gained it back afterwards. Sorry, moving along again.
Which brings us to September 2010. I start feeling like I'm having symptoms of low blood sugar whenever we go out. Grocery shopping or anywhere we are standing for awhile. This happens once a week or every other week. I assume it's what it is and I eat/drink some sugar and all is fine shortly. Diabetes comes up but I never go to the doctor.
March 10, 2011. I am sitting in my living room watching TV. All of a sudden my body feels weak. I feel lightheaded and I start to get tunnel vision. My heart beats out of sync and I feel a shortness of breath. It feels like blood is rushing to my hands and feet very quickly. They feel tingly, but not numb. They feel hot and cold at the same time. I feel a strong hunger at the same time. I eat something and feel a little better after awhile. No idea what happened!
So then, the next day it happens again, only there is no dizziness this time (as if it were only a 'welcome' gift). I start having chest pains on my left side, but not where my heart is. And again with the hunger and the cold/tingly feet and hands! I have been drinking diet beverages a lot in the past 7 or 8 years, but still caffeinated. Could this be the problem? Caffeine? We introduce more caffeine free beverages into our diet but it's not completely eliminated.
I had some friends visit me on my birthday at the end of March. I felt good when they were around. Although they still think I'm just not working because I don't feel like it and they praise me for being so lucky to get a girl to 'pay my way' in life. Sigh. "How do you do it?" they say. They don't understand the anxiety. They're in with the "I get that way sometimes too. It'll go away" crowd. I did have a small moment while out with them though, where my heart did beat funny and I needed to take a deeper breath. That's it.
(Continued...)
(full version is below the next two paragraphs)
================================================== ========
Haven't had a job since 2003. I'm afraid of being judged. And every year that I don't have a job, it's going to look worse on an application/resume. Was afraid to talk to people and avoided them at all cost. Dropped out of college because teachers got too critical (this wasn't mentioned in the long version). Would stay in my room/apartment for days on end without going outside for fear of running into neighbors and having to talk to them.
On March 10, 2011 I had an episode which caused me to almost black out. I got really shakey, hungry and weak feeling. Like a severe low-blood sugar episode. Blood rushing to hands and feet. Feet feeling cold/hot at same time. This has been happening ever since. Thought I was having a heart attack and finally went to a hospital last week. They said heart is fine and suggested anxiety/panic disorder and that I would have to see a doctor/counselor to see if that's, in fact, what it is.
THE LONG VERSION (a.k.a. "zZZzZz")
============================
[My upbringing, in case it counts. If not, skip ahead to the next proper paragraph (this is several lumped into one). I'm 32. Male. Parents divorced twice by the age of 5. Father: abuser. Mother: alcoholic. Lived with dad and grandparents at age 8. Grandparents feared my dad. So did I. I would say he's kind of a sadist. Takes pleasure in humiliating people. Does not have the ability to be embarrassed himself. Doesn't matter than I'm 32. Doesn't matter that my cousins are in their 40s. He can somehow make everyone feel little. He 'hurt' his back backing into a street light while high and got early retirement and a settlement from work for making the pain worse over the years (15 years after the accident). Even though he lived with his parents, he was ashamed that I lived with him after high school. Mother has been on pain pills sincer her 'accident' in 2000. She fell down at a gas station and tried to sue. Since then, she's been living off of the government. She's verbally abusive and will also make you feel little. Mom doesn't get high enough to forget why she's mad at you. Her best defense is that she accuses me that I'm just like my father. Abusive. Which I am not. But she can convince you that you're the the devil. Haven't talked to my dad since my grandpa died two years ago. I keep in touch with my mom via text messages only. She says off the wall stuff that I usually ignore. I figure that's enough pre-history.]
So, I'm 32. I haven't had a job since 2003. My family says it's because I'm lazy. My mom understands more because she's the one who told me a few years ago that "it's probably anxiety". Maybe it's because my dad threatened two of my managers in 1998? Or maybe it's because he made me quit another job in 2002 (when I was 21, mind you). Maybe it's because a girl I dated who happened to be my supervisor at work somehow got me fired from work because we broke up (she has no soul).
Luckily from 2003 to 2007, I lived with a girl who had lots of money and let me live with her rent free. All I had to do was take care of her newborn daughter. I didn't expect to fall in love with her (the daughter) as if she were my own though. That was a big knife in the heart. I did nothing else when living with them, so when she met someone, it was time to give me the boot. But during that whole time, I barely left the apartment or house that we lived in. I would purposely avoid neighbors. I would even cancel plans with friends because the next door neighbors would be talking to other neighbors in their driveway.
I started community college in 2006 though. It was different. I wasn't afraid to go there. I loved meeting new friends. Yes, I was scared at first. But it seems that once I get past the being afraid part, it's completely okay. But the being afraid part just gets worse as the years go by.
So from 2006 to 2008 I went to school. Living off of extra school loan and grant money. Also living in my mom's basement (ha ha).
Met a girl at school. She turned out to be nuts. Kind of. I took her virginity though so that's probably why. Spent a lot of nights with her in her apartment. Mostly on school nights since she lived 20 miles closer to school than I did. I loved her. Only as a friend though. She did not like this. She was okay with me being jobless for awhile. But when I gave her the 'excuses', that's when I started hearing "I get like that too." And now everyone tells me "Everyone gets nervous! I'm just like you." Ugh.
Met another girl in 2008. She's 18 and I'm 29. But she takes care of me. She has been taking care of herself since 14 and got promoted to manager of her workplace after her 18th birthday. Very independent and had plenty of money. She took care of me. Well, at least till my school money ran out for the semester. She would stay the night at my mom's with me. She loved me even though I didn't work. She understood I was afraid, but eventually grew tired of it and didn't want to understand the 'anxiety' that I thought I had. Grew tired of dating the opposite gender as well. Now we both love women. Spent a month in my room. Hardly coming out. Didn't eat for 5 days. Lost weight too quickly. Had an odd case of severe arthritis for 2 weeks that came and went mysteriously.
A month after the breakup in 2009, I moved to my aunt, uncle and autistic cousin's house (although they'll all say his social security that he gets is because of asthma which is almost non-existent, but wink wink, whatever). My mom was causing me to feel more anxious which is why I left. Living with my aunt was no better. This family was crazy nuts. Way too nice of a family. That kind of nuts.
Within a few weeks I met my current girlfriend (it's June 2009). She's 25 now. A little better than 18, right? As with past girls, I explained my situation. She's cool with it. I stayed with her on weekends for awhile. That evolved to a week at a time around September. Then she lost her job and went on unemployment. And then I moved with her full time because of my crazy family. But we were living with her friend and it was weird so we got our own apartment in February of 2010. Still on unemployment she was somehow able to get an apartment with no additional help from me. Okay, so let's move this along.
Up until this point I have only had 3 or 4 panic attacks in the past ten years. One at the job with the ex-girlfriend supervisor, a couple times alone in my room and once while out that happened because I had accidentally offended my girlfriend's friend (previous roommate) and she voiced her opinion at me. I cried and looked very lame. Luckily she had her own problems and we quickly became friends again.
So everything's 'fine'. I never turn down an offer to hang out with my girlfriend's friends (who eventually become friends of mine). But I usually preferred them to come over as I still won't leave the apartment but once every 2-4 days maybe. The longest was about 12 days straight of staying in. I will admit that it's partially due to gaining weight over the years and now I hate the way I look and don't want people looking at me and my disgustingness. I look bigger than I feel I am. But sometimes it's vice versa. I was only 115 towards the end of high school. I did lost 40 lbs. when I met my girlfriend but gained it back afterwards. Sorry, moving along again.
Which brings us to September 2010. I start feeling like I'm having symptoms of low blood sugar whenever we go out. Grocery shopping or anywhere we are standing for awhile. This happens once a week or every other week. I assume it's what it is and I eat/drink some sugar and all is fine shortly. Diabetes comes up but I never go to the doctor.
March 10, 2011. I am sitting in my living room watching TV. All of a sudden my body feels weak. I feel lightheaded and I start to get tunnel vision. My heart beats out of sync and I feel a shortness of breath. It feels like blood is rushing to my hands and feet very quickly. They feel tingly, but not numb. They feel hot and cold at the same time. I feel a strong hunger at the same time. I eat something and feel a little better after awhile. No idea what happened!
So then, the next day it happens again, only there is no dizziness this time (as if it were only a 'welcome' gift). I start having chest pains on my left side, but not where my heart is. And again with the hunger and the cold/tingly feet and hands! I have been drinking diet beverages a lot in the past 7 or 8 years, but still caffeinated. Could this be the problem? Caffeine? We introduce more caffeine free beverages into our diet but it's not completely eliminated.
I had some friends visit me on my birthday at the end of March. I felt good when they were around. Although they still think I'm just not working because I don't feel like it and they praise me for being so lucky to get a girl to 'pay my way' in life. Sigh. "How do you do it?" they say. They don't understand the anxiety. They're in with the "I get that way sometimes too. It'll go away" crowd. I did have a small moment while out with them though, where my heart did beat funny and I needed to take a deeper breath. That's it.
(Continued...)