I need some input please

[brandon75]

Hi, I am new to this forum and i'm looking for some opinions on what i have been going through..

Im a 22 yr old male. It started when i was 16 when i took mushrooms and had a bad trip (i know if i only knew what i knew now than!) since than, no drugs ofcourse. After this happened i started getting anxiety here and there, and i didnt really know what it was. It got to a point where i left school. The next 6 years were horrible. Ive had ups and downs. At some points i have not been able to leave my house. because when i walk outside i feel really detached and i start to freak out! every step i would take from my house i would think thats a step i have to take back if i start to panic and i want to get home.

After about two years my doctor put me on clonazepam (im terrified of taking any medications) ive been taking clonazepam every since. Not much really, .25mg in the morning and .5 mg at night for four years. My doc wanted me to take 3mg total a day but i really dont feel comfortable doing so. Everything has been a battle. Ive made many improvements since i was first housebound. I started getting more comfortable outside, and in places where i feel stuck. I actually drove 6 hours to toronto and didnt feel to much anxiety.

But everytime i start to get better, it turns around eventually and than gets worse. 2 years ago i was really good for about 8 months i quit smoking cigarettes, moved out, got a job that was a good 30 minutes away, i would get stuck in traffic and not mind. I was running a restaurant for 6 hour shifts alone. i was feeling great. When i would start to get anxious I would basically tell myself that i feel anxious, but i know im not going to panic and it would go away. I really believed i wouldnt panic so everything was okay. after those 8 months i started smoking again, i got back with my ex girlfriend. and things slowly started to go wrong again. When i started to get better its because i woke up one morning so frustrated and i said im not going to do this anymore i dont care! and i started doing things even though i was uncomfortable and thats how things got better.


I cant get that motivation and determination back, and it really sucks because i thought i was moving on and this was done with. Currently, Im housebound again, not working. Im doing school at home, so atleast im getting something done. Things are rough with the girlfriend because she lives downtown and i cant go that far (30 minutes) and im terrified of traffic now. I really want to get better and i need help from people who have gone through this!

Ive tried several antidepressants throughout the past years (i dont think im depressed really. If anything im slightly depressed because im anxious. vicious circle) but the anti depressants (ssri's) were unbearable. i gave up on it quickly because the effects i was getting were really bad. Im currently on day 4 of taking remeron RD, and i want to stop it so bad, but everyone says to stick with it. I'm a lot worse on it (so far) than off it. I step outside and i feel like everything is a dream. I feel very "disconnected from everything" and it scares me. I dont know if this is depersonilisation or not, but its terrifying. I drive or walk around with my eyes wide open trying to snap out of it, and i cant. Everything makes me anxious. I can be fine, and say "what if i get anxious" and boom! i begin to panic. I dont know if i should stick to remeron or not, because at this point i cant even walk outside! has anyone felt anything like this? Do you recomment that i stay on it?

Ive also tried linda bassetts anxiety program (no luck), tried panic away (no luck) and tried the linden method (no luck) but i really believe that the linden method works, because the way he describes everything is basically the way i almost beat anxiety the first time around (i just cant get that motivation again) and ive seen several psychologists (no help really)

so all in all i want to know if you guys think that i should stick to the antidepressants or not? ( I really feel out of it so far and i cannot function whatsoever, but its only been 4 days) My doc is not easily reachable at all and i find that every gp or pysch ive seen hasent been much help.

sorry if my post is all over the place but i was just typing as i was thinking.

Thanks! Brandon

[brandon75]

anyone.. input?

[gaara]

hey man,

like you, i've had anxiety but always had a sense of "FUCK THIS IM GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS AND BEAT THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF YOU UNTIL YOU GET SO SCARED OF ME THAT YOU'LL SHIT YOUR PANTS IF YOU EVEN THINK OF COMING BACK" mentality about my anxiety from the end of july to december..i started to get better by the beginning of november, and then got back to my old self by december and was great...a few big fights with my girlfriend from mid december to end of decmeber(i like to think of it as my crucial recovery period) and i was back to anxiety..only a lot worse and now i'm in in this incredibly weird and uncomfortable state of anxiety/depression that ive never encountered in my life but i won't bore you with that.

I'll try and explain what helped me get through my anxiety first and maybe that will help you out. I basically imagined my anxiety as a black cloud of smoke in the shape of an evil black cloud (typical cartoon character thing) that excaped from a sewer and consumed the normal me.

Everytime it came out, i fought it, and i would make it go back down in the sewer and close the lid on it. As soon as I felt better(felt like my old self) I was fine..excpet it only either lasted for a few hours or a few days max..then I could feel the anxiety slowly creeping it's way back into my life(i envisoned the black cloud of anxiety smashing it's way trying to break free of the sewer cover until it did and it envelopped me again)..I fought it again, and again and eventually, everytime it came back out, it was less strong than it was before and finally, like you, i said i had fucking enough and envionsed myself beating the shit out of this black cloud and going absolutely ape shit on it and fucking destroying it until it was cirppled, thew it back down the sewer, poured cement in the sewer, put the cover on and bolted it in with massive bolts the size of my body..that's when it went away and i felt completely free.

Yes..I know..that was probably the most F-ED up thing you read but i read somewhere that it helps to envision your anxiety as something else and envision yourself conquering it somehow...well the closest thing i can envision what my anxiety felt like was a black cloud that envelopped the real me and to my dismay..the technique worked.

Not saying it will work for you, maybe it will maybe it won't but it's worth a try.

How was your childhood and all that before the shroom trip? I used to trip on weed sometimes but it never followed me..my anxiety was triggered by a bad breakup but before that i was a really calm cucumber.

[brandon75]

Thanks!

It sucks that your anxiety came back. It seems like anxiety goes away and returns, and goes away and so forth. Its a real pain! I heard that using imagination and visualisation to conquer anxiety does work, but I have a hard time doing so. When I'm relaxed, no problem I can easily imagine things like that (cartoon voices etc.) During a panic attack or high anxiety however its a totally different story, its like i cant trick myself.

Today was day 5 of remeron and F that im done. Im lethargic, and when I did get better for that period of 8 months or so I was just taking my clonazepam (which I plan on very very slowly coming off of, and using another benzo for emergencies only)

I was thinking today about my lifestyle and how it affects me. I rarely go out anymore, I smoke cigarettes (which is stimulating) plus I already have asthma so improper breathing sure isnt helping the situation, Im gonna try to kick that habit this week. I sleep odd hours, I mean when i fall asleep no problem I sleep like a rock (luckily) but I do stay up very late (usually till 2-3 in the morning) and than I'll wake up around 11-12. Its not the best sleeping pattern, I really enjoy the morning so I'm going to start sleeping a few hours earlier. I'm going to cut back a bit more on sugar aswell, and get back to the gym (Im a slim guy, but definately out of shape). Im going to also try using better inner dialogue with myself, you know, try to cut out all the negativaty.

I think this will be a big step forward. My girlfriend dumped my ass AGAIN. I don't really blame her, but its her loss in the end. I'm going to use that to fuel myself forward. My family pointed out that I'm usually anxious when I'm with her, and I've gotten better the times that we were apart. Its hard though first love blah blah ..

Anyways I'm trying to get myself to that point of motivation again where I say fuck it because I dont want to stay like this.

I'm going to try the linden method again, because I really think it works. When I got better for that period of time, I was basically doing what his manual says (and this is before I even heard about it) I think when I was feeling better I just stopped pushing myself which allowed the anxiety back in.

As for my childhood it was relitavely okay from as much as I can remember. I was kind of secluded as I lived in the suberbs, In a french province (Im in Quebec) So I didnt have a very social childhood, and barely any friends until highschool. Also I don't come from a wealthy family, were ok but could have better finances for sure. Most of the people around here have a pretty decent income, so i always felt like I had less than most kids, which kind of sucked.

My parents got divorced when i was about 13 years old, which was a shocker cause they very rarely argued. Things kind of snowballed from there I think. I was living with my mother and she met somebody else and was barely home all week from what I remember. I was with my brothers and sisters mostly, even during school weeks and all. That didn't last to long though, I moved in with my father maybe a year later. In an area closer to school and friends. That's when I dabbled in drugs. I've always been kind of rebellious I guess, I'm a middle child I don't know if that has anything to do though. Im rarely afraid of consequences which has landed me in a bit of trouble and I've done a few things I'm not proud of (drugs, theft and fraud) Which is really against my values. I carry that with me.

When I started doing drugs i started to climb the social ladder. I was becoming a somebody (kind of). This only lasted about a year before I had my first panic attack on the mushrooms. In retrospect I don't think i every really loved myself, or felt good about myself. I can remember being sad often when I was younger, and thought way into the future and just thought things would be great because i was older.

Before all of this I guess I was relatively calm, I got great grades in school, I would go out no problem (when I had the option to). The only feelings of anxiety that I can think of are that I was to afraid to get onto a roller coaster, and I was afraid to get onto a public bus for the first time. That was all really.

Its funny because I only remember bits and pieces from my 22 years, I can only remember certain things, I dont know if i blocked things out or something, or if this is normal or even has anything to do with anxiety at all. Who knows.

I feel like I can type on and on and on, but I don't want to bore the readers!

As for you gaara, I really appreciate your reply. I hope you are doing well with your anxiety at this moment. Do you have depression along with it? What are you currently trying to get past it? If you're interested I'd gladly e-mail you a copy of the linden method I think there is real potential in there if its followed correctly. It basically says that anxiety is a habit of bad behaviour. Like biting your nails, or picking your nose or something. It says that the best thing you can do to get past it, is to just ignore and bury it, not to give it credit whatsoever. Anyways it's really interesting and has tons of info!

all in all, Im trying to get myself motivated and full of energy by leading a better healthier lifestyle, and once I get there I'll start challenging myself more and more.

Also, for that period that I did get better, I was drinking a lot. My gf broke up with me and I said fuck it, quit smoking. I remember drinking everyday for no joke atleast a month, not neccisarely getting hammered, but Id have atleast one beer. I guess I was self medicating. I did slow down after that month though and things were great. I'm just trying to figure out what I did than so I can repeat it now.

Thanks, Brandon