Frustrated and needs some advice. I want to function well enough just to work.

[mc steamy]

i had my first anxiety attack on 2006 due to high levels work related stress. since then ive been battling this condition. ive been on seroquel-rivotril, then cymbalta-rivitrol.

there are months that i would be ok and functioning like a "normal" person but when i do get attacks, it lasts weeks and i hate the feeling. i cant function normally and i cant even go out of the house let alone work.

i try fighting it with prayers, exercise, mediation, medication, etc. but still i get attacks. thoughts running through my head would be "id rather die than live forever in fear of nothing." Sad to say, since then ive tried committing suicide 3x. but now im done with suicide attempts. it only did me and my family more harm than good (obviously).

just last week ive been in and out of work because of mild to severe anxiety attacks. im getting frustrated. ive done everything in my power to prevent the attacks to occur. but when i get this feeling like im going have a heart attack, i cant force my self to go to work (but i always try to).

my only prayer now a days is to function well enough to work because that is what i really want to do. but its so hard.

im also afraid that i might lose my job because i havent been reporting for work. this week i was only able to go to work 2x. and in those 2 days i was at work. i felt so scared/terrified so left work early.

this is so frustrating.

now im seeing a new psych. im now under new medication:

inderal
xanor
mirazep
dormicum
residon

i also hate the fact that im so dependent on medications. i tried weening my meds out but whenever i do, i feel worse.

i told my new psych that i only have to goals: 1) to function well enough to work 2) not to be dependent on medication

i got scared when he told me that i might need medication for life.

again. this is so frustrating. how do you guys force yourself to go to work? i already have a hard time forcing myself out of my room when i get attacks let alone work.

i feel so alone. i think im the only one in my circle of friends that have this condition. i know a lot of people who have bigger problems than i do but they seem to be "ok"

i on the other hand have less problems in life and yet i get strong anxiety attacks.

i just want to be well enough to go to work. is that too hard to ask? :(

any advice would be a big help.

thanks.

[mc steamy]

hi kev,

thanks for your reply. yeah i also dont want to rely on medication.

no drugs? no doctors? how are you able to do it?

[lifeconfusion6179]

it sucks i know. When i first starting getting these anxiety attacks i almost became home bound but me having kids kept me from doing that. I dont know too much about medications but what works for me is the klonopin. the only problem is its a benzo and very addicting. Which is true. but ive been on it for like about a year now and a low dose and it helps me function. also, it has a very long shelf life which is great for weaning off if you should choose to do so. U know whats crazy is that you say people have problems but these are OUR problems if you know what i mean. Money, career and kid problems dont compare to my own personal issues with myself. Ever since my anxiety started it has become the number one issue above all else in my life. Hang in there.

[lifeconfusion6179]

forwells dont mean to debunk your inspiring words but i heard that from specialist when my anxiety first started 9 years ago. And here i am. I have yet to meet someone who has endured anxiety disorder and has completely recovered from it without some kind of coping capabilities. My opinion on this whole anxiety issue is to try things , dont feel bad if you need to be on meds cuz they are there for a reason and if they give you some kind of reliefe then so be it. just dont let it end there. im always researching trying things. This keeps me going and it helps me to function when im out around my kids and family friends etc. find the right medication and the right counselor and go from there. its the best combination.

[mc steamy]

Its monday morning and i want to go to work. my heart is palpitating like crazy. said a few prayers, drank inderal and xanor as directed by my PDdoc.

having a hard time focusing and my head feels like its floating on air.

im scared to leave the house for no apparent reason but i know i have to because i have to go to work.

my goal for today is to be strong enough to go to work and STAY at work. I still dont know how i will do it but thats the goal. This sucks because even the easiest chore (like driving) seems to be such a big feat. I really dont know how you guys do it (go to work even if you have your anxiety attacks) but i salute you because i know how hard it is for someone with our condition to function. again all i want to do is to be able to work. how do you guys do it? :(

wish me luck, say a prayer for me please. thanks.

[mc steamy]

well, wasnt able to go to work today. and now i really fear losing my job. its sinking thought cycle. i wish i never had this condition.

one reflection i had earlier though is that my body seems to react abnormally to normal situations. examples:

1) i get anxious when i hear my phone ring or whenever i get a text message. my heart beats like crazy so i shut my phone.

2) i get anxious when the dog barks or the next door neighbors voice.

these things wont hurt me i know. but my body doesnt seem to know that. i have to keep reminding myself that these little things wont do me harm. being absent from work will though!

i hate this. again id rather die than live scared all my life.

[mc steamy]

It's a tuesday today. I was able to force myself to go to work. im here now at my desk but on the way here, i kept on thinking of excuses not to go to work, i also kept on thinking that i would lose my job and that my boss would talk to me later saying that im fired. Not a way to start a morning right?

well at least im here now at work. im happy that i am. i do hope this day would turn out just fine.

[mc steamy]

last week was a good week. i was able to go to work everyday. furthermore, the side effects of my new meds seem to have tapered off. i also found interest in the things i used to love doing such as hobbies that involves cars and bikes.

i get to the house more often now, i even get bored when im inside the house just bumming around so i take a drive around the neighborhood just enjoying the ride and the view around me.

i thought id be ok already but today, i got anxious going to work so i decided not to. i actually got to the point of driving on the way to work but when i saw the traffic and realized i was going to be late, i took it as a sign not to go to work anymore (since i was having a slight anxiety attack anyway). lame excuse i know. now im really regretting not reporting to work. im trying to justify my actions of today by answering all my emails from home.

im really have this viscous cycle of being up and down. just this weekend i had such a positive outlook that finally im on the way up again. i felt good, had a nice haircut, and exercised to look and feel good as well. i treated myself to some yummy food because i felt like i deserved it for my "wins" last week despite having anxiety attacks.

last night i was ok. slept well with dormicum, but when i woke up this morning i got scared going to work. i had no major presenations, no big meetings, it was supposed to be just a regular day today. but i sadly i got anxious again. *sigh* when will this ever end? ive already accepted the fact that i might live with this disorder for the rest of my life. all i pray to God and Mama Marry is to help me cope so that i can function well enough to work.

a friend told me last week that i better snap out of it because the "world isnt kind enough to wait for you to get your act together. the next thing you know, youre out of the job." and thats the last thing i ever want to happen - to lose my job. but the rate i am going, it's not far from happening.

i honestly dont know what to do. when im in the office when im anxious, i can not concentrate and focus. when im at home, all i can think about is work and that i might lose my job. someday soon, i hope that this would be bearable enough for me to report to work everyday. im taking so many medications already, ive asked my doctor to shift me back from xanor to clonazepam because xanor did nothing for me. clonazepam has always given me relief and quick at that. this morning i had 2g of clonazepam and still wasnt enough for me to get my act together. didnt want to increase the dosage coz my PDdoc says i should only take 2g a day max.

sometimes i really think that death is better than living a life of fear and worry.

[lifeconfusion6179]

Sorry you feel this way mc steamy. one thing i have not allowed to happen (keeping my fingers crossed) is for my anxiety to interfere with my job. i guess the pressures of bills and wanting to take care of my 2 kids keeps me from going down that road. Sometimes its hard but i try different things to make me feel a little better like always having a bottle of cold water, i usually have a mini fan at my desk (the cool breeze makes me feel good) and alot of trips to the bathroom. So, i look at that as a small victory in my battle with anxiety disorder. You should do the same. Some people shut down immediately they dont last that long before they are unemployed and on public assistance. i noticed you tried alternative treatment besides meds but have you tried speaking to a professional counselor? it always better treatment to talk to a therapist while on meds. trust me the meds only masks the problem it willl never go away just by doing that. You have to alter your way of thinking and how you view situations in your life. Ive been seeing a therapist for 3 weeks now and i already realised why i never got better all these years. All i have done is try to deal with my anxiety myself or take meds but i have never dealt with my self esteem or negative thinking issues. If you think about it anxiety stems from these main issues with ourselves. Confident people dont get anxiety that i have ever heard of. I know you can feel hopeless especially when its affecting your job but there is a way to cope, you just have to find it. Good luck.

[mc steamy]

how i wish i can find ways to cope when im at work. waking up in the morning is hard enough for me because as soon as my alarm goes off my anxiety begins. and it's such a draining exercise to force myself out of bed, take a shower, get ready to work, and drive to work. sometimes, in the middle of that cycle, i get panic attacks and therefore shut down and am forced to stay at home.

i too have lots of bills to pay and have a wife to take care of. that is my i value my job and i dont want to lose it. but like i said, with the rate things are going, id probably be out of the job soon.

yes i am seeing a psych every two weeks. this is a new psych (had 2 previously) and had only had 2 sessions with him. the first two sessions were more of me talking and him diagnosing. the second session was more on how i am reacting to medication. hopefully this saturday, we could start on talk therapy because i have seem to adjusted to my medication already.

i also want to discuss with him that sometimes, for no reason at all, i just want to cry. i just feel sad at times. usually before i go to bed. or when im driving alone.

i keep on praying, i keep on fighting. im trying my best not to give up. but as you all know this is so hard.

i have multiple nerve damage all over my body, and im in constant pain. but that doesnt stop me from moving on with my life. i can still drive, work, run, bike, swim, etc even if the physical pain is at level 4 (pain scale 10 highest) all the time. as in 24/7 pain. i can deal with the physical pain. i dont mind it. but when it comes to this anxiety disorder or depression, i have a very hard time functioning.

*heavy sigh*

[just1]

Eating and drinking those medications will only make matters worse. There are plenty of people who have gotten better without the medication. Such as: Anne Hathaway-

Yes, she suffered from anxiety and depression a few years ago and she overcame it simply by praying.

Anything Is Possible If You Just Believe

[lifeconfusion6179]

Mcsteamy I know this anxiety has you down trust me I've gone thru the same. Just cry if you have to you will feel better immediately afterwards. I know being a guy you don't want to resort to that but you know what? Screw that you a human being who is allowed to get emotional. Look for coping skills online, buy workbooks on self help, even get a journal and everyday write about how your day is going whether good or bad. I know its hard to get the energy to do these things but as you have flooded your mind with all this negative thinking you also have to flood it with efforts on getting better. Hope this helps and don't hesitate to post remember your not the only one:).

[mc steamy]

thanks guys,

i am seeking help with a PDdoc and have been taking medication for three weeks now. at first the medication has been screwing with my mind but now i feel better. i still get anxious especially in the morning before i go to work but i try exposing myself to situations or areas where i get anxious about in this case my car and the office.

today i almost didnt make it to the office, i got to the office late but at least im here now working and thats all that matters. i also try to help myself by de-stressing via exercise, praying everyday, and having a massage 2x a week. im also trying to eat the right food such as fish and broccoli which i read somewhere are good for the brain.

im still struggling, and the hardest part is in the mornings. sometimes i just want to cry but i cant coz i dont want my wife to see me crying.

since i starting writing here, week on week there is progress.

thank you kev as well for the chat we had last week. it really helped open my mind. thanks.