ss_worrier
04-04-2011, 08:10 PM
Hi,
I guess that with this post I'm mostly looking for some general, plain and simple reassurance. I've just had one of the most anxious two weeks of my latest anxiety-suffering-period, that's lasted for approximately two years as of now. At first my anxieties mostly surrounded my relationship, but it stretched out to involve not only school and career but also social situations and friends. I am confident enough to say that within the field I am specializing professionally I am quite succesful, especially considering my young age, and my grades in school are usually quite well above my classmate's. But of course, this doesn't stop my anxiety, I'm actually starting to wonder whether it might rather be fueling it. A couple of weeks ago I started taking this course at the university I'm attending (abroad, as an exchange student) that has so far been quite difficult; at least that's my mental perception of it, 'cause if I understand something I automatically assume that I've _misunderstood_ it since I still see myself as too stupid to grasp things like these (the course involves some intuitive algebra etc). What's happened is that I've started dedicating way too much time to studying this particular course -- probably about five or ten times as much as my classmates -- just out of fear of failing. Meanwhile the other exchange students where I'm at are actually having fun, partying, hanging out and just relaxing, but I'm too afraid of failing to let myself give priority to actually living.
But this is all really beside the point. I know that I need to learn that academic success is pointless if you never get to enjoy living once in a while, I know that the risk of failure is a part of life, I know that it's unreasonable to feel like you have to excel all the time in whatever you do. I know all of that, but suffering from unreasonable anxiety, it doesn't really matter what I know since my mind decides to wander elsewhere anyway -- mostly "just in case"; I prepare for failure so that the shock from it won't be so bad if it actually comes. Yup, you all probably know all too well what I mean.
My question to you guys is simply whether this all will ever stop. Right now I feel like I've had a flue for almost two straight years; it's better at some points but when it drags me down the deepest, the suffering gets so bad that the thought of waking up in the morning just makes me want to cry. I'm doing therapy sessions once a week over Skype with my therapist in my home country, I like her and the sessions usually work well but I'm starting to doubt whether they're actually getting me anywhere. I'm not seeing any obvious improvements in my overall anxiety levels, though I will admit that therapy has probably taught me a lot about my views on life in general and about how to get perspective on things (not that I can actually master the art of doing that, I just sort of know how it's SUPPOSED to work by now...). I'm generally very skeptical towards medication for mental issues -- just for myself and not as a general view though -- but especially these last few weeks have made me wonder whether I shouldn't talk to a doctor about these things and see what medication could do to improve my quality of life. I mean, whenever I have my anxious thoughts, I can almost feel the fluids in my body getting the anxiety started, and if a simple pill could calm them down then well, why not give it a try. I'm also so afraid of hitting a mental wall and not being able to perform as usual in life, I had one of those periods in secondary school where I almost didn't go to school for a year, and if that would happen to me now then the consequences would be totally different, to say the least. I just want someone who made it through the anxiety to tell me that it will eventually get better; that there is in fact a way to cope and that my life won't be like this forever. Thanks for reading.
I guess that with this post I'm mostly looking for some general, plain and simple reassurance. I've just had one of the most anxious two weeks of my latest anxiety-suffering-period, that's lasted for approximately two years as of now. At first my anxieties mostly surrounded my relationship, but it stretched out to involve not only school and career but also social situations and friends. I am confident enough to say that within the field I am specializing professionally I am quite succesful, especially considering my young age, and my grades in school are usually quite well above my classmate's. But of course, this doesn't stop my anxiety, I'm actually starting to wonder whether it might rather be fueling it. A couple of weeks ago I started taking this course at the university I'm attending (abroad, as an exchange student) that has so far been quite difficult; at least that's my mental perception of it, 'cause if I understand something I automatically assume that I've _misunderstood_ it since I still see myself as too stupid to grasp things like these (the course involves some intuitive algebra etc). What's happened is that I've started dedicating way too much time to studying this particular course -- probably about five or ten times as much as my classmates -- just out of fear of failing. Meanwhile the other exchange students where I'm at are actually having fun, partying, hanging out and just relaxing, but I'm too afraid of failing to let myself give priority to actually living.
But this is all really beside the point. I know that I need to learn that academic success is pointless if you never get to enjoy living once in a while, I know that the risk of failure is a part of life, I know that it's unreasonable to feel like you have to excel all the time in whatever you do. I know all of that, but suffering from unreasonable anxiety, it doesn't really matter what I know since my mind decides to wander elsewhere anyway -- mostly "just in case"; I prepare for failure so that the shock from it won't be so bad if it actually comes. Yup, you all probably know all too well what I mean.
My question to you guys is simply whether this all will ever stop. Right now I feel like I've had a flue for almost two straight years; it's better at some points but when it drags me down the deepest, the suffering gets so bad that the thought of waking up in the morning just makes me want to cry. I'm doing therapy sessions once a week over Skype with my therapist in my home country, I like her and the sessions usually work well but I'm starting to doubt whether they're actually getting me anywhere. I'm not seeing any obvious improvements in my overall anxiety levels, though I will admit that therapy has probably taught me a lot about my views on life in general and about how to get perspective on things (not that I can actually master the art of doing that, I just sort of know how it's SUPPOSED to work by now...). I'm generally very skeptical towards medication for mental issues -- just for myself and not as a general view though -- but especially these last few weeks have made me wonder whether I shouldn't talk to a doctor about these things and see what medication could do to improve my quality of life. I mean, whenever I have my anxious thoughts, I can almost feel the fluids in my body getting the anxiety started, and if a simple pill could calm them down then well, why not give it a try. I'm also so afraid of hitting a mental wall and not being able to perform as usual in life, I had one of those periods in secondary school where I almost didn't go to school for a year, and if that would happen to me now then the consequences would be totally different, to say the least. I just want someone who made it through the anxiety to tell me that it will eventually get better; that there is in fact a way to cope and that my life won't be like this forever. Thanks for reading.