Long Term Anxiety/Paranoia Issues

[ins@ne]

Hi all. Im a 26 year old male from the UK.

Basically since around 16 years old ive suffered with Depression, and in the last 2 years, really bad with anxiety.

Now the depression i have managed to deal with and get over, but the anxiety seems to be more of an issue.

Im not sure what is up with me, but im at my wits end, i honestly am. I have changed my doctor 3 or 4 times, ive had counselling, cognitive behavioural therapy, been on over a dozen medications and nothing has worked for me.

I had a rough childhood, my mothers boyfriend was an alcoholic who used to attack me and my mum psyhically and verbally when he was drunk, up until i was about 15 years of age, i completed all my grades at school but nothing fantastic, always struggled to keep myself in a job, then i went through a 5 year relationship of hell with a woman, and then ever since ive just gone from pillar to post, last year i moved away from my hometown, where i found myself a job, work,and everything i needed, as at the time i had ended up living in a homeless hostel in my hometown and needed a break.

Ill start it off with saying. My main feelings, very desperate, not desperate to harm myself or do anything drastic, its more that feeling you get when your waiting for an important phonecall, or news on something, or you waiting for the outcome of something, but im not. Im very restless, mainly at night, fidgety and find it near on impossible to naturally sleep, i tend to crash out more than i can just drift off.
I eat perfectly healthy and take a keen interest in cooking, i live alone so support myself, and i work full time doing a very active job, my job is not stressful whatsoever and im under no pressure.

Day to day, im not a morning person, i work afternoons till midnight. Before lunchtime, i simply cannot function, i dont know why, im moody, snappy, tired, negative, and can be quite rude, it doesnt matter whether ive slept well the night before or i havent, first thing in the morning im really not a nice person, i dont like waking up before i have to, if i wake up when i can then im fine, hence why i work afternoons again.

Ill start the few hours of my days off, very quiet, reserved, tired, yawning, then come a few hours into work i will perk up, be laughing, joking, messing around, and this is where the other side of me comes into play, my moods.

Im either happy, messing around, having a laugh and joking, with colleagues or it could be outside of work, this mood will last a few hours, but sometimes i can be quiet destructive behaviour wise, i will say things i dont mean to say that could offend others but to me it seems funny, or i will do things often without thinking of the consequences, sort of spur of the moment for a laugh then afterwards i think, shit i didnt want to do that. Sometimes i will be like that, then a bit later on, i will go back to being quiet again, and go extremely tired, and want to be left alone, i still can be destructive behaviour wise in what i say and do but id rather people didnt talk to me or anything. so i go really quiet, tired, down, negative, and i have moments of emotional sad thoughts, like a wave of sadness come over me, which will go as soon as it comes.
When i get home i always want to lie down, on my bed, and think yeah, relax time, and within 15 minutes, bang im wide awake, restless, fidgeting, biting my fingers and nails gettin overexcited at the slightest thing. Find it near on impossible to sleep, and then i crash out. and then basically repeat what ive just said and thats what im like, day in, day out, 7 days a week.

Every now and again it will flare up. Sometimes i can tolerate it, though i know my behaviour and actions arent fully acceptable, im aware of it. but every now and then it will keep me up for 2 or 3 days without sleep, im feeling like im going absolutely crazy and desperate for a release, to chill me out, make me rest calm me down and then ill crash out on the 3rd or 4th day and i will sleep around 15 hours, then wake up feeling totally numb, in shock and wonder whats going on.

Im also very paranoid. Im ok in person and that, but in busy places, or if im out driving and someone approaches me from behind in a car too fast, or someone catches me off guard out and about or suprises me, i get mini panic attacks.

Id just like to stress here (no pun intended) that i work full time 40 hours a week and im under no stress or pressure at work within my job, and that i spend most of the working hours on my feet getting plently of exercise, im also into weight training (dont take any form of illegal substances) i eat a very balanced diet, often and regulary, i dont drink any alcohol, i dont smoke anything, and i dont do drugs. Im a very healthy plain/boring person to be honest, yet im constantly ill and feeling like crap.

Im really at my wits end. I just want a cure for this. Last year when i didnt have a job and i was in a hostel i used to wake up screaming and going nuts in the early hours of the morning, i used to get in my car and go to the hospital and just say i was going out of my mind, please help me. my heart rate, blood pressure and what not was through the roof and ended up being watched over until the mental health doctors arrived. who basically just sat and filled out a load of paperwork then let me go.

Ive been on various anxiety medications, and depression, efexor, citrolapram, setraline all horrible medications with the same nasty side effects. The only two that kind of work for me were chlorpromazine and i used to take lorezapam for when i had my severe moment, but the chlorpromazine made me very lazy and tired.

I just long to be able to sleep properly, and function like a normal human being. Im seeing a psychiatrist this week. and im just at my wits end as to what is actually wrong with me, is it anxiety, or is it something more severe than that, or something totally different all together?

Anything that would help me would be much appreicated if anyone could advise. Thanks

[ins@ne]

Any ideas anyone? seeing psychitrist tuesday:(

[jimmy2shoes]

Hey,
It's hard to say what exactly is going on - i think it would have originated in your past, whether it's you not having a father figure (assumption) and the only potential dad you had was an abusive alcoholic... Then, following a 5 year relationship (quite a long time), and the end of that relationship may have left you feeling confused, alone and, just tired.
The thing that I have learnt about anxiety (or a lot of the cases), is that when we don't resolve issues of the past they seem to resurface in other ways. Often, this is anxiety, and while the individual experience doesn't seem related at all (mood swings or whatever) they can just be the build of of neglected emotions. This can be from resentment, or just a lack of acknowledging how you really feel about things that have happened.
It could have to do with being alone - feeling like your self worth is low, or simply just being alone triggers the low mood. My case for example, is that my dad was also verbally abusive and controlling to my mum and they got into massive fights all the time. And i assumed the role to protect her, massively, so much so that it was my responsibility, and I found self worth in myself in doing so. However, somewhat 8 years down the track and my dads on meds and his temper is controlled and doesnt go nuts anymore, and he saw a counciler for years and learnt a lot about himself, my mum and dad no longer fight. So, for me, not having SOMETHING to worry about -when the next fight was, whether mum was going to be ok, etc etc, left me feeling somewaht empty, even though the fact that they were not fighting was a good thing. I also felt less worthy, worrying had occupied me for so long, i didn't really know what NOT worrying was like.

I think it's something you need to long into. Your past. The psychiatrist will probably ask whether you have any hallucinations or severe paranoia because the staying up for 2-3 days may be seen as 'manic' (bipolar), and the mood swings. But i don't think you have bipolar, so try not to indulge nor lot the psychiatrist put you on meds for it before investigating a little deeper. What you describe is circumstantial mood changes - your with colleagues and have people to talk to - the anxiety/depression isn't really there, once you get home alone, your left with your own thoughts and hence anxiety. Plus yo've learned that you can't sleep, so what will happen? You won't sleep. You gotta reverse some of these cycles and it is possible.
I think it's normal and I used to do the social thing all the time (say things i wish i hadn't, or done things) and its just somethign you learn to control - when it is appropriate behaviour and when it isn't.

Its 3 am here too so im going to bed but hope this helps.
cheers

[ins@ne]

Thanks for that. Does kind of make sense as i have had nothing but hassle, stress, grief and worry all my life, and the past year ive been on my own, moved away from all the drama, got a job, home etc, i seem to be worse now that what i was before. Its just the way its in fits and starts. I put a lot into my original post but my main problems at the moment -

Constant mood changes, i tend to wake up tired, grumpy grouchy, everythin gets on my wick, i snap a lot, then after a few hours ill perk up, be a bit more cheerful, then ill go into mess around, giggly, hyper mood, with the added destructive behaviour where i will say and do things i shouldnt or dont mean to say which can be quiet embarrasing sometimes, then after a few hours of that, around early evening, ill return to being grouchy, extremely tired and want to sleep.

Trouble with sleep is,its never 8 hours or something solid decent, ill either be awake for 2 or 3 days and then sleep a whole 15 ish hours, or ill fall asleep at say 12pm when i get in from work, absolutely knackered, and be wide awake at 3 - 4am again, then its a cycle of awake for a few hours, sleep for a few hours,sleep, awake, a few hours at a time, ill have half the week of doing that, and half of it ill be awake and then crash out for 15 hours, it really is odd, and then i end up having to drink coffee and what not at work just to keep myself awake which then only aggrivates my moods.

My eyesight is always dodgy aswell, somedays its worse than others, and i get this horrible like metal taste in my mouth, and my chest aches all the time, i cant eat or drink rich/spicy foods as i get IBS.

Classic example was yesterday, the night before i slept 1am until around 8am, so ive had a good 7 hours sleep, i woke up, had breakfast, went on the laptop for an hour, had half an hour on the weights, then had lunch around 12pm, went to visit my parents, and i was fine, then come 6pm at my parents, i just went on a proper downer and went tired, came home an fell asleep at 9pm, woke up this morning at 8am, 11 hours sleep? really doesnt make sense, what gets me down more is when i get up then i end up feeling knackered a few hours later.

I hate being like this, cause its embarrasing, i feel like im unsociable, rude, boring.. its mothers day today and i only woke up an hour ago and im feeling weary already, got that funny taste in my mouth, my eyesight is all pasty and chest is aching again.

I dont want to be on meds day in day out but i guess i will have to, ive been on over a dozen different depression meds and half a dozen anxiety meds over the last 10 years, setraline, citralopram, lorezapam, diazepam, fluotoxine, chlorpromazine.. i swear to god they are all the same, they just make you want to sleep all the time, put you off your food and have nasty side effects.

I feel like it is anxiety and the constant adrenaline rushes are tiring me out , cause its up with adrenaline, down without it, up with it again, then im knackered? Just feel like i need something to control that flight or fight thing, and also something to help me sleep. Ive got zopiclone sleepers but they dont touch me.

Thanks