My Story, I need some serious help! PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!!

[thebsuguy]

Hello every one. Im at the end of the road. Id like to explain what i have been going through for the past two years with some background, and then ask for advise and guidance. This might be a little long, but I feel its important to give as much information as possible in order to give you insight of what I am going through.

First off, I am a 23 year old college student. I have experiencing anxiety and panic attacks for the past two years. This does exist in my family background. I have been doing every kind of research possible in order to gain information to educate my self on what is going on with my body, as well as I have tried every thing. I work out every day, changed my diet, stop drinking alcohol, stopped drinking caffeine, force my self to change the way I think.

I have tried this for the past two years, and the problem has slowly increased to a point that I am not living life, i am suffering through life. I can hardly make it to class. I never wanted to take the drug road, but It was to the point that I was at the end of the road and in order to make it through school, and to have a functional life I had to try it as a last resort.

I made the decision to see a doctor. He suggested counseling (which I have been seeing weekly ever since), he also suggest drugs for a short term while I went through counseling in order to overcome this problem. He started me off on .5mg of zoloft and .5mg xanax. There was no change at all. we slowly increased my dose to 2mg of zoloft and switched from xanax to .5 clonaxepam slowly increasing to 2mg clonaxepam over a mouth.

**Side note, I have taken many blood tests in order to rule out if there is any thing wrong with my physically...all the test came out just fine.

I have been seeing the doctor and counselor every week for the past three mounts with no change. The doctor then switched me from 2mg zoloft to 10mg Paroxetine, while still keeping me on 2mg clonaxepam.

So there is my background, sorry for being so long, but thanks for reading.

Here is my issue now...Im still unable to function. I can hardly make it to class, or hang out with friends, or do any thing. Although talking to the doctor and cousler once a week for the past three months, They seem to be giving up on me, as so am I. i feel like jumping out of my skin and about to go crazy! I dont know what else I can do. I am physical, and mentally worn out from forcing my self to get better. I see no end in sight, and afraid of giving up, but im about there. I dont want to be on drugs, I don't want to see a cousler, But I am willing to try everything! and even my doctor and cousler have stated that Im doing every thing right, but they just dont know why im not getting better.


If there any one out there that has been through the same situation? I need some guidance on what to do next cuz every thing iv tried just isnt helping! IM GOING CRAZY! I just cant take it any more! PLEASE HELP ME!

***Please read through all the posts below before posting, I have added alot of information that others had questions about. Thanks again***

[thebsuguy]

Explain in better detail for me . The things you have changed and also explain what thinking you have changed . There is some thinking a miss that i can see with what you have wrote . What is it you think anxiety is from your research? Do you take supps??

clonaxepam I would never take ever . I read a lot about anxiety and i am amazed at how many people have problems with this drug when they try to get off of it . Everything i read is nasty about this drug .

cheers kev
Change in diet, I have just over all been eating healthier.

As far as change in mind set, and thinking to answer you question: I have been trying to think positive about every thing I do. Tryed to improve on my self image. Also I relized that my panic and axiety alot of it comes because I "feel" like im going to have it...before it happens, which causes me to have it...so Iv praticed different ways to not to think that way, and to belive that Im going to get over this, and that its all in my head....however, this hasn't really helped very much.

I am not taking any kind of supplements. I have been diagnosted with generalized anxiety disorder, with mild social anxiety, along with panic attacks. I belive its cuased by stress from school, financial situation, and just afraid of feeling of anxiety. (as mentioned above, I have been working on this part very hard, along with school, im doning just fine and dont feel stressed out from it, but it could be a cause.)

as far as the clonaxepam goes, I feel that it helps me some what through out the day. I have had no bad side effects except for being tired. it hasnt really helped as much as i wish it has, but iv tryed other things...But Im still suffering!

[Robbed]

The one thing that I really see here is ALOT of struggling and fighting. In other words, you feel bad. So you are trying to do anything and everything to just make it all go away. It's kind of like the old line "I'll do whatever you want, just stop bothering me." Anyway, anxiety disorder had been described as being 'the schoolyard bully within'. And what do you think a schoolyard bully is going to do if you are willing to give him whatever he wants to make him go away? You get the idea. Anyway, this is the trap of anxiety disorder. You feel like you MUST do something to make this horrible condition go away. But as you desperately try and strive, you only make things worse.

The solution with anxiety disorder is NOT to try to fight symptoms to make them go away. And it's NOT trying to desperately do what some counselor (who obviously doesn't know anything about anxiety disorder) tells you to do because they tell you it will help. Ironically, the solution is to just accept your symptoms, learn not to react to them with fear, and learn to live with them for the time being while you recover. It's also important that you be patient, and give your mind the time it requires to heal (and this might take a while). And remember that you will stumble and fall plenty of times on the way. Figuratively speaking, when the schoolyard bully no longer finds it fun to pick on you, he will go away after a while.

[thebsuguy]

To Robbed:

As far as your comment goes, I compeltly understand, although it contradicts everything my couselor tells me :)

I have been Suffering from this for over two years now. for the first year and a half i did what you are describing to me. I accepted that this is just who I was, and did not fight it, but accepted it. This clearly didnt work, in fact, has made it worst over time.

I then started to fight the "bully" by when I get into these type of moods, i repeatedly tell me self " your ok, there is no reason to be freaking out" over and over. I also try to think of a happy time in my life, or a funny incident that has happened in the past to make me smile. but this has become no help any more.

Is there any one out there that has been exstreamly suffering such as i am, and have managed to overcome it? if so, please tell me your story, and give me spacifit details on what made you overcome this hell!

[Robbed]

I have been Suffering from this for over two years now. for the first year and a half i did what you are describing to me. I accepted that this is just who I was, and did not fight it, but accepted it. This clearly didnt work, in fact, has made it worst over time.

Acceptance does NOT mean that you are accepting that anxiety disorder is who you are. Rather, acceptance means accepting that anxiety disorder is nothing more than your CURRENT STATE. It also means that you do not react to anxiety symptoms with fear. And that's the rub. As Dr Claire Weekes says, acceptance is NOT the same thing as 'putting up with'. In other words, COMPLETE acceptance means that you get to a point that you are not bothered by or fearful of your symptoms. You go about your life as best as you can despite your symptoms. It does NOT mean that you simply resign yourself to suffer with your symptoms, but cower in fear or simply grin and bear it (that is merely putting up with them). Just remember that acceptance does NOT come in an instance. It takes time and practice. Then again, so does recovery from anxiety disorder. NOTHING is going to cure you in short order.

Speaking of Dr Claire Weekes, you might even want to get one of her books. I'm not sure which of her books to tell you to get, as different ones seem to be available in different countries. I have a book of hers called 'Complete Self Help For Your Nerves'. But this was sent to me by a former member of this forum who actually lived in Australia. I don't know about any of her books available here in the US (or any other country). However, I would expect that the gist of what she has to say is no different.

[Greg]

Hey there!

I have not conquered my anxiety symptoms as of yet. I know you want that answer desperately as you seem to be at a crucial juncture with your struggle. BUT..I would like to share my story with you and maybe that in intself will help your perspective and somehow help guide you. At least maybe you wont feel alone. I have found one of the wonders of forums like this is you suddenly dont feel so alone once someone shares what they have went through. And that in itself offers a huge sense of relief (to me anyway). For example, just reading your story offered me a huge sense of weight being lifted from me. It was like 'heck yeah man I know how that feels!' Someone else feels this way too, whewww! Its not 'misery loves company'. I think its rather like at least we know others (apparently millions of others) are going through this, so between all of us millions of sufferers we might be able to support each other a little and find some answers along the way, yeah? To go ahead and tell you the stage I am at, my doctor put me on klonopin and paxil, basically the 2 drugs you are on. Now how in the world those drugs aren't affecting you is a wonder. Both of them knock me out. My first dose of klonopin and paxil luckily was on a weekend. I felt 'normal' and energetic within minutes of my first dose. It was a miracle for me. THEN......I went to sleep for 15 hours. The first time I had slept like that in ages. I am currently weaning off the paxil as I have read some horror stories on that one(not saying you should too, just saying it seems to be a nightmare drug to be on). And it makes me feel quite not right. But the klonopin nearly erases all of my symptoms as soon as I take it. Klonopin has very little side affects to the organs or blood or brain but there is a high degree of addictive properties. So be careful (but you say it doesnt even do anything to you, so I am not sure what advice to give there). But paxil has some serious issues.
My biggest question to you is do you know when this started and what triggered it? I know you say you are pretty sure its now the stress of school and bills and just 'life'. The reason I ask is if most people think about it, they can point to a moment in time when this condition became so powerful that they took notice. For me it was marriage and divorce (again thanks Jeanne <--see the ugly ugly bitterness). I was under such a high level of stress for so long that its almost like pointing a finger right to that time of my life. Now if that is the cause or not I am not sure. Without being a doctor or scientist and not having done a ton of tests on myself to really figure it out who can say what started it. BUT the reason I ask you is sometimes you can point right to a specific event or series of events and realize this is where it is coming from. You would have to face the situation and regain control of it to offer yourself peace and closure. Internal struggles that are not resolved can just eat you up. The next question is what is your general personality? Are you a competitive, driven person? Short temper? Aggressive? My doctor put me on the SRI and explained to me that one of the major components of my condition was driven by adrenaline. He described me as a very tightly wound kind of person LOL. And he's right. My symptoms; vertigo, head buzzing, ill temper, anxiety attacks presented with rapid heart beat or palp, high blood pressure, and overall sense that I would simply DIE. One of the most drastic symptoms for me was that feeling...I AM GOING TO DIE....I thought for sure I'd have a heart attack or stroke. I became very PARANOID. I realized over time that I was not going to die from this condition. But I was desperate for the racing heart, fear, anger, and depression to be over with. So I went to the doctor and he put me on klonopin and paxil. So how is my condition today? Very few and minor attacks since started on these medications, but I do notice the paxil seems to twist my brain a little(dont know how else to explain that, I don't like that medicine). If your medication is not working for you (by the way you are on powerful medicine at very high doses, I'm surprised you're not knocked out all day and night), you need to ask yourself some questions, such as the ones I asked you and see if you can pinpoint some causes. **If the path you are taking is leading to no answers...you need to get on a different path. There are also homeopathic remedies, things people take for stress like teas and herbs. They stand by them and have some great success and swear they are as powerful as drugs(pills). I feel for you my brother...we are all going through our different levels of stress and anxiety, that is why we are on this forum. And we all feel like we are at the end of our rope. Trust me even I did until I found that bit of relief. Don't let anyone tell you their situation is so much worse than yours. It might even be true, but its not something to tell someone else. To you, at this moment, your situation is crucial enough for you to ask for help in a desperate way. That tells me it is as serious as anyone's situation can be. You seem like a special case in the fact that the medication is not working for you and you feel you are even getting worse. You need to broaden your options and ask yourself different questions. When did this start? Is there a cause you can pinpoint? What other remedies are out there? What other medical test are there to be done? What programs that you have no researched are out there (counseling, therapy, etc)? Are you working out too much or too little? Could something in your diet be causing this? And as my doctor asked me and catagorized me....are you a tightly wound individual? LOL. Saying 'chill out' is a big slap in the face. But my friend trust me, I am trying my ass off to 'chill out' and give my self a break. (Which from what I understand I have a chemical imbalance in my brain, I don't know how chilling out will help, but I'm doing it!)

greg

[thebsuguy]

To Greg:

Greg, thanks for the insight. coming on this forum does help me feel like im not alone. I have been talking to a cousler for some time in order to figure out with types of events are triggering these attacks and anxiety. It has really helped me, the next step we are working on is how to over come these issues.

as far as the takeing any of the drugs I mentioned in my first post, my doctor and I are both amazed that I feel no effects from them what so ever. My goal is to be off any kind of drugs and back to my normal self. However, Im taking the drug road first off because I have done every thing possitable, and its a last resort. Also, If I could find a drug that would just give me releafe for one or two weeks, I feel that I would be strong enought to over come this issue,....however, I suppose my body is very ineffective with it comes to drugs in the first place, cuz i feel no effects whats so ever even on high dosage.

As far as what events that I noticed that started these at the very beginning is ex-stream stress from school, however, a year later (this year) I feel as if im stress free from school, and have it all undercontrol. This is a topic me and my cousler are going deep in depth inorder to figure out what is triggering them. She is having me keep daily logs on how I feel throught each day, and events that I do before/during/after these events, as well as what is going through my mind inorder to help us figure out what is triggering it.

Althought I release Time and mind power is the only way to beat this, I feel sooo desperate just to life a functional life again. even if its for one or two weeks.

Although I meet with the cousler once a week, and discus these issue with friends/family/gf and my doctor, I just haven't been able to get it in gear. I decided I am going to visist the doctor again for the second time this week, and exsplain to him that the medication he is giving me, although are powerful drugs at high levels, they are crap. and hopefully we can discus what my options are.

Greg, thanks again for sharing your insight, I hope you manage to get through your issues very soon, and as do I.

I hope to hear some more input from others, but before posting, please read through what all I have posted in order to understand my issue, and the guidence I need.
Thanks