please help me i am at the end of my tether, what is wrong with me??

[pixiepot]

I am writing everything down because I know my mind will just go blank when I see you. I feel down all the time and I hardly leave the house anymore. I never want to do anything and if I have to go out it is because people are pressuring me to, and I often cancel things because from the moment something is arranged, even fun normal things, I dread the days leading to it and the night before I just dread it and dread it so much, it is like I am being asked to shove pins in my eyes or something, then when the day comes I panic all morning and think what am I gonna do I cant possibly get out of this! I really have to go but I really dont want to but I really have to but I really really dont want to! so I have to force myself to go, but I am always so paranoid about the way I look, when I am walking down the street I feel so out of place, and everything seems so distant and foggy, probably because I have bad eye sight, but then again I wont go to the opticians. I feel like everyone is looking at me, or think I am dressed odd or I look weird compared to them. I havent even been to a dentist since I was a kid and having alot of problems with that too. I should have seen a doctor before now a long time ago but I have left it so long that now I am desperate.
I am letting everyone down but I just cant help myself anymore. I actually think I would be better off dead because my brain is so used to being this way I dont think I will ever feel normal again. I just wish I could get up and feel normal, get washed, dressed, go out and enjoy my day, but I just cant lead a normal life anymore, I feel physically unable to help myself achieve anything, I have such dreams and ambitions but am unable to do anything about it. even my writing isnt neat anymore, I feel like I have got a hole in my head.
I cant sleep at night, I lay tossing and turning, sometimes til gone half 4 in the morning, and I have to be up at 7 to get the kids ready for school, then my partner takes them as I cant go near the kids school its too crowded and seems very scary to me. I feel like a zombie in the morning from lack of sleep, and find it a huge task to just wake up.
just lately I have become abit obsessed with astrology too, I cant get through my day without reading my horoscopes as they always seem accurate and help me alot.
I always get feelings of dread, like someone has died, or something really bad is going to happen.
When Im in the bath, I feel paranoid that someone is watching me all the time, or spiders are gonna come out of the plughole and the cracks and just cant wait to get out. I think weird things like that all the time, I see pictures in my head of things happening and dont know whether its because I am phsychic or mad, its hard to explain but its like i see short films in my head. put it this way, nothing is normal to me anymore, and I absolutely hate crowds of people or meeting new people. I HATE people I just wish I could be alone in my own little world and never see another person again! I am rambling too much and I hope you have enough here to understand what might be wrong with me. Also I forgot to say my partner does all the shopping and stuff because of this dreading going out anywhere. I am stuck in a great big rut and dont know how to get out. I crave to be normal again.
9 months ago I had a strange awakening, where I wanted to be out everyday and I shot into action, took the kids to different places everyday and felt exhilirated. I thought I'd had a miracle cure. but it lasted about 9 days, then I fell back under again and havent felt normal since. I am glad I have wrote this letter as I would never have got all that out. I feel trapped in my own brain.
I hope you can help me xxx

[mamascrazy1985]

hey wow yea i would have to say the same for me. i push myself to do things too. i have been lightheaded and unbalanced for the last couple of days but i do have the same responses as you do. the part where you said it would be better off dead. i have those days to but i have learned that its all your thinking. you have to come up with a way to change that. like if you pissed at something find a way to laugh about it. its really hard for me i have had anxiety for 3 years and my kids are 7 and 2 and i have one on the way and im worried about pregnancy and anxiety now. there is always something to worry about but you have to change that worry into a positive. trust me you will know if your symptoms really mean something or if its just anxiety. i have been back and forth to doctors to get a clean bill of health many many times and its give me a calm feeling for a while until i fix myself on another crazy disorder or what ever. and the bad problem is i know that there is nothing wrong with me and all these people that actually have something cope with it way better than i do. we are here for you dont give up hope you will get better you just have to find that positive thinking and grasp it and never release.

hope all is well
achelle

[pixiepot]

thankyou for your kind words, its nice to actually have someone to tell because my family don't understand, my partner doesn't really get it either. I have suffered depression since I was around 8 years old? It started after my parents divorced and I went to live with my dad and his girlfriend, my dad was always away with work and I was left in the care of his girlfriend who treated me very badly and with me being the other side of the country to my family nobody knew what what was happening. I remember being 9 years old and wishing i was dead. I had no family and was stuck in a miserable life with my dads girlfriend who would hit me, call me names and ground me to my bedroom for a week for coming in from school 1 minute late. she never went shopping so i lived on a tin of tomato soup with bread eveyday. I was crawling with head lice, very pale thin and anaemic. this went on for nearly 3 years. for my tenth birthday, i got only a book. a rubbish book at that. for christmas i got a little pack with a colouring book in and some crayons, they explained I was only getting that as we were going on holiday abroad and they couldnt afford christmas. of course the holiday never happened. just before i was 11 I went to stay with my mum, the other side of the country, she took one look at the state of me and would not let me go back. for the last three years my dads girlfriend would tell me that there was no point in telling my dad what was happening, because he loved her more than me and would just put me in the orphanage. well when I was with my mum, far away from her and dad, I told my mum everything, I just couldnt keep it all inside anymore. she was horrified would not let me go back. obviously she spoke to my dad who had no idea of the extent of it either, and he dumped his girlfriend immediately and kicked her out and couldnt apologize enough. I kicked myself too, I couldnt believe it was that simple all along to escape from her, and I wished I had told him sooner. I remember the first day seeing my mum, Ill never forget she made me a big cooked dinner, a glass of milk and got rid of all the nits and took me for a haircut. I was free, or so I thought. the feelings of anger and pain stayed with me , the depression stayed, my mum didnt seem to get it but now i look back it could have been post traumatic stress? i dont know. I ran away from home, cut myself, took overdoses twice, nearly died the second time and I will never forget the excruciating pain and vowed to never ever take an overdose again. I was 13 at that point. I was depressed when I was at home and preffered to be out with my mates, drinking. I got a job at 14 which i stuck with until i was 16, then I moved nearly 400 miles away for a few months to stay with family. was still depressed, moved back to be with my boyfriend at nearly 17, I am still with him now at 25. I had my first baby at 18, suffered post natal depression, and felt like a failure because I couldnt love him like I should even though I tried my best. I was efficient but emotionless, he was well looked after and cared for and breast fed, but I just couldnt bond. I fell pregnant by mistake when he was 3 months old, when my daughter was born the rush of love hit me, and I finally felt like a proper mother and a better mother for my eldest. when she was 7 months old I fell pregnant again, and I sunk into depression again, didnt want another baby and I made the biggest mistake of my life. I had an abortion, which I will always regret until the day I die. I felt such a feeling of loss. I felt like i needed another baby, so I had a son, who made me feel complete again. the depression was always there though. then something happened which really rocked my boat again, I fell pregnant again. I really didnt want another baby and kicjked myself for being so stupid. I would never have an abortion again so I kept the baby, and boy I am so glad I did because he is my little angel, we have such an amazing bond I cant believe it myself, we are so bonded its like he is my little mini soulmate, the one who makes me want to carry on living. I love him so much. but still I am very ill and need help, I am 25 with 4 small kids who need me and If it wasnt for them keeping me going god knows where I would be now. I want so much to feel better again and give my kids the life they deserve, the life I feel that I am holding back from them, obviously not on purpose, but my mental health and self hate is still so unbearable and raw. I want to get better for them so badly. at the minute they would be better off without me, I know I will never forget everything what happened in my life, but I wish I could! does counselling really help? I have been told to go to counselling but I always put it off, because I dont cope well talking face to face.
sorry for boring you all to sleep and rambling on!
thanks for listening lots of love xxxxxxx