ARDvark
03-20-2011, 06:03 PM
My name is Aaron, I'm 24 and I'm terrible at writing introductions, haha. I'll try not to ramble. I have some sort of anxiety issue and even after multiple doctors it's only gotten worse. As background, I've had anxiety anytime I was in public. As far as I can remember I've had problems sitting in classrooms. By the time I got to high school, I was skipping most of it because I got tired of having these crippling attacks in class. I tried to talk to my counselor and I guess they thought I was just being another "rebel" and trying to get out of going to school. I saw my first doctor right after I finally dropped out of high school. She told me that I was depressed, gave me Geodon (sp?), and something else, I can't remember and recommended fish oil, and sent me to a therapist. After a few weeks of taking the medications, and the only change being that I went from having anxiety to thinking I was going completely insane, the doctor told me to stop taking my meds. Not slowly ween me off, but just stop. I had a very interesting night when I stopped where I spent the night biting my pillow and crying and I guess having an amazing withdrawal. The next morning I was without sleep and craving something, but not having any idea what I was craving, so I called my therapist's emergency line and told her about it and she told me to go to a hospital, which I decided against. After a few months I had almost forgotten I ever had this episode because I was able to go out in public, go to parties, and I met what became my best friend and a girl that I fell in love with. I thought everything was fine, then the girl and I were going on a road trip, she lost control of the car, and I broke my back in the wreck. Shortly afterward she left me. A year later the person who had become my best friend was shot to death over another woman. After that I starting having the attacks again and went to our family general practitioner, and I should have known their method was going to be a five minute interview, and a prescription for xanax. Xanax didn't work at all. I could panic right through a double dose of it. Generally if I'm having a full on attack, and I can't get to a bathroom or outside, I'll pass out, so I'm also afraid to drive because of lives I might put in danger. I finished my prescription, and decided it was pointless since they weren't helping, so I continued my life shut up in my room at my mother's house on the internet. I used to have really great friends, but I've grown away from almost everyone because I don't get out anymore. I got fed up with it and went to a psychiatrist. All he would do is give me klonapin, because he thought xanax might be too strong. Obviously he wasn't aware that xanax wasn't strong enough. Bringing me to where I am now, I basically live my entire life in the house. I've had many unsuccessful attempts to go somewhere, but I always end up coming home. I've been unemployed since December, and prior to that it was over two years. In fact I've only held a job more than three months in my entire life, because I usually have an attack, or I wake up that morning and worry that I might have an attack and never go in to work. At the moment I'm currently seeing a psychiatrist who has prescribed me anti-depressant, which I don't take, because they make me depressed, which I'm not when I don't take them. I'm so sick of imprisoning myself like this. I have zero faith in doctors since they've only either done nothing for me, or made the situation worse, and always cost me more money than I had the ability to make. I just finished with a painful three month Alcoholic Anonymous session that they had me endure because they thought that alcohol was the reason I had these problems, never mind me telling them that I had these problems before I had ever tasted alcohol, and alcohol came later as a result and the simple fact that during the drinking it does more for me than any of the meds I've been put on. I've since quit drinking on my own accord, but nothing is changing, and has never changed even through all of that. I'm hoping talking to some other people with the same type of issues might help, as it's something I've never tried before. There are entirely too many people who will tell me they are just like me because they don't like crowds, and they start to sweat. That's terrible, I'm sorry, but I pass out because I can't breathe if I can't run (literally have sprinted out of wal mart) away. I want to talk to someone with a problem as crippling as mine, especially if they've been able to overcome it without spending thousands of dollars on doctors who do nothing.
Edit: It might also be worth mentioning that I've also tried meditation, and breathing techniques, and sometimes it seems like the very act of thinking about breathing consciously, makes it hard to breathe and then here comes the flood of anxiety again, so meditation has been just as hard and complicated. I did have a friend that recommended me a neo-shaman type person, and aside from the fact I felt comfortable around them and the whole atmosphere was relaxed, it didn't really help anything. I'm not against anything that will help.
Edit: It might also be worth mentioning that I've also tried meditation, and breathing techniques, and sometimes it seems like the very act of thinking about breathing consciously, makes it hard to breathe and then here comes the flood of anxiety again, so meditation has been just as hard and complicated. I did have a friend that recommended me a neo-shaman type person, and aside from the fact I felt comfortable around them and the whole atmosphere was relaxed, it didn't really help anything. I'm not against anything that will help.