average opossum
03-14-2011, 10:29 PM
Hello! I started seeing a psychiatrist a while ago because people thought I might have depression, but he believes that I actually suffer from an anxiety disorder. My dad and his therapist agree with my guy. Anyways, he says my procrastination is due to fear of being judged, and that I avoid social interaction and isolate myself for the same reason. Other things also match up. I was extremely sensitive as a child. Despite having things pretty good, I was often in despair, and regular playground relationships caused me a lot of pain. I feel awkward in most social situations. Sometimes I freeze up and leave. When my mother asks me what music or books I like, I am afraid to answer her because the information could be used to hurt me. I can have rather extreme emotional reactions. I cry almost every day. I have no interest in the typical teenage things, like partying or making out. I rarely go out with friends, and make excuses to avoid seeing people I love. I have gone three weeks without a shower and regularly sleep for thirty-six hours at a time. I have vivid dreams and nightmares. I can't concentrate on anything for a class that requires mental effort, but I'll do research and write essays for fun when nobody else will see the result. I would rather dedicate hours to simple, repetitive activities like copying vocabulary words or debugging my computer than write a simple three-paragraph reflection for class. On the other hand, I do very well on tests and speak up in class regularly enough when I know what is being talked about. At least, until I get something wrong and the prof's correction keeps me from talking for a week. It feels like my heart is always racing. I'm very fidgety and restless, and I often bite my nails and engage in other less-than-attractive habits. I never learned to drive because I'm afraid. I blame it on bad childhood experiences driving my grandpa's tractor, but that's a pretty stupid trauma to cling to.
But, most of the time, I feel more emotionally drained and exhausted than nervous or worried. I never fixate on my fear of social interaction, but maybe that's because my avoidance behaviors are effective. When I get a test back, I look at my grade and then throw it away so I don't have to see my mistakes. Maybe I do the same sort of thing with other things? That was deep. Sometimes a particular comment or something will keep me from sleeping, but it isn't a constant thing. I don't have racing thoughts. Most of the time, it feels like I don't have any thoughts at all. I'm just blah - no energy, no motivation, no anything. It seems like anxiety would turn one into a perfectionist, but I'm the exact opposite. My self-esteem is pretty healthy. I don't have regular panic attacks or anything. I thought I had never had a panic attack, but it turns out that I didn't really know what a panic attack was until recently, so maybe I've had panic attacks more often than I think? Geez, that makes me sound stupid.
I do have an old-school phobia of needles. I can't stand seeing them in movies, which means I am the only person on earth who hasn't seen Inception. I freeze up whenever I think about them, and sometimes I have intrusive thoughts about needles that prevent me from sleeping. Last time I needed to get my blood drawn, I made a million excuses and put it off for months. When I finally got my butt to the clinic, I evidently had a panic attack, although I didn't identify it as such at the time. I passed out, and when I came around I was all clammy and shaking and remained blind for fifteen minutes or so. When I went to the doctor and they wanted to take blood I freaked out like a little kid, albeit much more politely. Point - pun totally inadvertent, by the way - is, I don't feel that way all the time. I don't obsess over failure the same way I do over needles.
Sorry for this random and rambling tl;dr post. I'm just proud of myself for finishing it! It takes a lot of effort to talk about my problems. I actually learned quite a bit about myself while writing it. For a long time I just thought I was a shy crybaby, but more and more I am seeing that, whatever their cause, these behaviors are not normal, and they are ruining my life. Such a hopeful realization! Anyways, forum friends! I need to pick your brains. Can anxiety manifest itself this way? Can I be consumed by worry without being consciously aware of the extent of my fears? Could I be making myself not think about anything so I can avoid thinking about what I am afraid of? This all seems very far-fetched to me, but I'm trying to keep an open mind. Have any of you lovely forum people ever experienced or heard of anything like this? I'd love to hear your story, even if it's as scattered and poorly organized as mine! :)
But, most of the time, I feel more emotionally drained and exhausted than nervous or worried. I never fixate on my fear of social interaction, but maybe that's because my avoidance behaviors are effective. When I get a test back, I look at my grade and then throw it away so I don't have to see my mistakes. Maybe I do the same sort of thing with other things? That was deep. Sometimes a particular comment or something will keep me from sleeping, but it isn't a constant thing. I don't have racing thoughts. Most of the time, it feels like I don't have any thoughts at all. I'm just blah - no energy, no motivation, no anything. It seems like anxiety would turn one into a perfectionist, but I'm the exact opposite. My self-esteem is pretty healthy. I don't have regular panic attacks or anything. I thought I had never had a panic attack, but it turns out that I didn't really know what a panic attack was until recently, so maybe I've had panic attacks more often than I think? Geez, that makes me sound stupid.
I do have an old-school phobia of needles. I can't stand seeing them in movies, which means I am the only person on earth who hasn't seen Inception. I freeze up whenever I think about them, and sometimes I have intrusive thoughts about needles that prevent me from sleeping. Last time I needed to get my blood drawn, I made a million excuses and put it off for months. When I finally got my butt to the clinic, I evidently had a panic attack, although I didn't identify it as such at the time. I passed out, and when I came around I was all clammy and shaking and remained blind for fifteen minutes or so. When I went to the doctor and they wanted to take blood I freaked out like a little kid, albeit much more politely. Point - pun totally inadvertent, by the way - is, I don't feel that way all the time. I don't obsess over failure the same way I do over needles.
Sorry for this random and rambling tl;dr post. I'm just proud of myself for finishing it! It takes a lot of effort to talk about my problems. I actually learned quite a bit about myself while writing it. For a long time I just thought I was a shy crybaby, but more and more I am seeing that, whatever their cause, these behaviors are not normal, and they are ruining my life. Such a hopeful realization! Anyways, forum friends! I need to pick your brains. Can anxiety manifest itself this way? Can I be consumed by worry without being consciously aware of the extent of my fears? Could I be making myself not think about anything so I can avoid thinking about what I am afraid of? This all seems very far-fetched to me, but I'm trying to keep an open mind. Have any of you lovely forum people ever experienced or heard of anything like this? I'd love to hear your story, even if it's as scattered and poorly organized as mine! :)