Something I've realized over the last couple of weeks

[gaara]

Hey all,

I have realized something over the last couple of weeks that makes me feel really uncomfortable:

When I was going through my initial anxiety stage (september through december) it was just anxiety. There would be depression in there somewhere but I don't really think it was depression just mostly exhaustion/being miserable which I confused with depression.

Throughout those 4 months, my anxiety was there but I wasn't depressed so I was still able to feel happiness, still able to look forward to things and still able to go out and forget completely about anxiety for a night and literally be my old self again even if it's for a night.

I used those moments as something that helped me get through the tough times. As I went out and had fun more and more, the anxiety/being miserable dropped and dropped until it was completely gone.

A method I also used was my past. I used my past(thinking about good times and stuff) as a tool to make me feel better and make me think that "you know what, I'll be able to be that happy again soon" and it totally worked.

Things however took a turn for the worst...I mentioned in other threads that one day a couple months ago (near the end of january) I just felt empty and flat.

Completely empty and flat..i've never felt like that before...whatever I thought, it'll go away. It never did. So I said to myself ok, i'll just try and think about the good times and use that as fuel to get me through this..that didn't work.

I started to get alarmed..why wasn't this working? This is not normal..at all. People think about good times and essentially FEEL the emotion that they're thinking about right? That in turn makes us feel good and we move on. When this wasn't working I started to really get alarmed and over-analyzed everything I did. Nothing felt right.

My environment didn't feel right, people who I've been close with my entire life just didn't feel right to me anymore. I don't know what the hell happened but I become so disassociated with everyone. I still am not raelly able to connect with anyone.

Just the other night I went over to my friends and we were just hanging out and stuff but it felt like..alien to me. I used to LIVE for just goin to my buddies place lounging around talking hanging out..doin guy things you know just being a normal 21 year old guy hanging out with his buddies. That was my comfort zone..always has been since I had my first friend/group of friends. Never in my entire life have I felt alien to them..

What is going on with me? I can remember the times..it's like I KNOW that it's supposed to feel fun and comfortable but why do I feel so alien? Why did it feel like hanging out with my friends was in a totally different era?

I know my post is jumping around a lot but I'm just trying to convey exactly what this realization is.

Before, my past felt comfortable to me, like I was still the same person and I still enjoy everything that I used to do but now it just feels like my past and who I was..was just in a completely different time-frame, different era, different world, almost like all that was just a dream.

I don't think this is caused by anxiety. I really don't know what this is but I feel so weird, not myself at all and i'm fearing that this is it, i'll never be able to go back to my oldself.

I don't understand how this happens to someone. Have I developed a mental disorder? How can everything that I felt solid about in my life just suddenly become alien?

It isn't just isolated with my friends, also with my family, my girlfriend and even MYSELF. I don't feel like I even know myself anymore..what the hell? lol It's the weirdest feeling and I just want it to go away. I'd rather have anxiety/depression on it's own rather than this messed up feeling.

I don't know if all the intial over-analyzing of myself and my mannerisms/life that I did when I first felt that flat/empty feeling caused this or this is actually some sort of weird psychiatric disorder but I just want it to go away and be my old self again...feeling depression and anxiety is one thing..but feeling alien to everyone that you care for deeply, your own environment and even your own self is just something that is completely out there and would never wish upon anyone.

Anyway, thanks for reading that just wanted to get that off my chest..even then it still didn't evoke any sort of emotion out of me where-as in teh past when I let everything out it made me feel better..ugh thinking this is going to get worse before it gets better lol

[Chronic_Perfectionist]

I know from experience that things often get worse before they get better. Getting well is all about time and patience. I used to keep a picture from a very good time nailed to my door in a nice frame. Each day when I work up and before going to bed (as it was in my bedroom), I would say "Yesterday wasn't great, and today may not be great either. However, things will get better in time if I allow it and work for it." Within like 4 months I started feeling better. I was like you.....very emotionally flat.

Depression tires the body substantially. It takes time to rebuild your emotional reserves. However, it can happen and does happen if you work for it. I find that a years time is often needed to feel a full recovery. This is also the opinion of many health professionals.

As far as feeling like your 'old self,' I can't say for sure if this ever happens. Going through an experience like this changes people, so does simple aging. Throughout life, people change and so do their emotions. Instead of fearing the newness, try to accept the newness as a brand new stage in your life. I once said that my GAD meltdown a few years back was divded into 5 stages. The first stage was the prelude, when I was ok but started feeling bad. The second stage was the severe anxiety. The third stage was severe depression. The fourth stage was a slow and sometimes bitter recovery. Now, I am in the fifth stage in which I am a different person. I am not my old self, and likely never will be. However, I can choose to be a happier person going forward....so long as I continue to work for it.

Feel Better....

[gaara]

I know from experience that things often get worse before they get better. Getting well is all about time and patience. I used to keep a picture from a very good time nailed to my door in a nice frame. Each day when I work up and before going to bed (as it was in my bedroom), I would say "Yesterday wasn't great, and today may not be great either. However, things will get better in time if I allow it and work for it." Within like 4 months I started feeling better. I was like you.....very emotionally flat.

Depression tires the body substantially. It takes time to rebuild your emotional reserves. However, it can happen and does happen if you work for it. I find that a years time is often needed to feel a full recovery. This is also the opinion of many health professionals.

As far as feeling like your 'old self,' I can't say for sure if this ever happens. Going through an experience like this changes people, so does simple aging. Throughout life, people change and so do their emotions. Instead of fearing the newness, try to accept the newness as a brand new stage in your life. I once said that my GAD meltdown a few years back was divded into 5 stages. The first stage was the prelude, when I was ok but started feeling bad. The second stage was the severe anxiety. The third stage was severe depression. The fourth stage was a slow and sometimes bitter recovery. Now, I am in the fifth stage in which I am a different person. I am not my old self, and likely never will be. However, I can choose to be a happier person going forward....so long as I continue to work for it.

Feel Better....

I really don't think the problem is with my friends or that i'm losing interest in them. It's just everything. It may not even be that I have lost interest but they just don't evoke some sort of emotion. It's not like I'm hanging out with my friends and I say to myself "man this isn't fun or i'd rather be doing so-and-so".

Certain things that kind of give you a raection just don't do it anymore..like seeing nice scenery would make you feel good or like "hey, that's nice" or "that looks awesome"..It's like I somehow forgot how to react to things..yet I can still get frustrated, mad, sad and anxious. It's like all the positive feelings that a human being can feel have suddenly just been taken away from me and it's like I noticed it.

And now I just can't get it out of my head, I can't simply stop thinking about it and just carry on through life adn I can't sit there and say well what makes me happy and what doesn't..seeing as nothing evokes some sort of excited/happy/awesome feeling that I once had.

It's like I was a completely normal human being (with some anxiety issues about relationships which a lot of people have) but now suddenly it's like I lost who I am.

Funny thing is, I used to always wonder how people lost interest in life/became depressed and it just boggled my mind because there are so many things in life that are worth exploring and stuff and that's the type of person i've always been throughout my entire life. Now, I have relatively no optimisim and i can't remember the last time I felt true happiness or excitement in the last 3 months.

Is this some sort of pyschological disorder? Text-book example of clinical depression?

HOW DID IT GET TO BE THIS BAD :@:@ lol bah!!

[Robbed]

It sounds like you are going through some depression and derealization/depersonalization. DR/DP is probably one of the most frightening symptoms of depression/anxiety problems, since it gives that feeling like you are 'losing it'. But you really aren't. What you are going through can best be described as simply the result of extreme mental exhaustion. And, although there is nothing you can really do to make this all 'just be gone', you can help yourself get better by taking care of yourself (in terms of such things as diet and exercise), accepting that this is just symptom of depression/anxiety (and NOTHING MORE), trying to live your left as best as you can (ie still doing stuff like hanging out with friends, even if it feels 'strange'), and giving yourself time to heal. Remember, this won't go away overnight. It will possibly take months to get significantly better. But by no means do you have to live like this forever.

As far as the question of whether you will be 'yourself' again, you have to remember that the whole idea of being changed forever by anxiety disorder and feeling lousy forever due to anxiety disorder are not one and the same thing. You don't have to somehow learn to put up with feeling lousy from here on out. Being forever changed as a result of anxiety disorder after recovery is generally a VERY good thing. It actually makes you a better person than you were before. But your friends will once again feel good to be around. And you will again be able to appreciate such things as beautiful scenery. You WON'T be changed in the sense that you will just feel lousy for the rest of your life.

[gaara]

It sounds like you are going through some depression and derealization/depersonalization. DR/DP is probably one of the most frightening symptoms of depression/anxiety problems, since it gives that feeling like you are 'losing it'. But you really aren't. What you are going through can best be described as simply the result of extreme mental exhaustion. And, although there is nothing you can really do to make this all 'just be gone', you can help yourself get better by taking care of yourself (in terms of such things as diet and exercise), accepting that this is just symptom of depression/anxiety (and NOTHING MORE), trying to live your left as best as you can (ie still doing stuff like hanging out with friends, even if it feels 'strange'), and giving yourself time to heal. Remember, this won't go away overnight. It will possibly take months to get significantly better. But by no means do you have to live like this forever.

As far as the question of whether you will be 'yourself' again, you have to remember that the whole idea of being changed forever by anxiety disorder and feeling lousy forever due to anxiety disorder are not one and the same thing. You don't have to somehow learn to put up with feeling lousy from here on out. Being forever changed as a result of anxiety disorder after recovery is generally a VERY good thing. It actually makes you a better person than you were before. But your friends will once again feel good to be around. And you will again be able to appreciate such things as beautiful scenery. You WON'T be changed in the sense that you will just feel lousy for the rest of your life.

The thing is though it seemed to have gotten worse over the last few months. I've always been an optimistic person but now I can't see or feel the light at the end of the tunnel like I used to before this all happened.

Regardless, everytime I think about the good times it pains me and it's like I fear those memories? I don't know why. Perhaps because i feel like i can never feel like that again or something. Like i'd think of a good time I had and instantly pain and sorrow fills through me beacause it felt like those are long gone memories and i can never experience good times like that from here on out.

Everything i do just seems like i'm trying to relive the good times so again maybe thats why it feels like everything is off? I'm not sure, i'm going to see a psychiatrist and see if they can provide any insight on this matter. I'm still very against taking medication though because that won't do anything to actually solve the problem.

I just feel I need advice from a professional that has dealt with thousnads of depression cases and might be able to pinpoint exactly what caused this and go from there i guess.

[Chronic_Perfectionist]

I went through the same thing. Everything you used to like is simply not giving you the same level of happiness or pleasure. It is a world of "going through the motions" without much emotional involvement or attachment. It is a world of always living in the past or future, and never focusing on the present. I used to be happy....will I ever be happy (past; future).

People have to focus on the present. Anytime you focus on the past or future, you are mentally and emotionally leaving the present. The present may not be happy now, but it can be again. You must focus on living in the present whether or not it is a 'happy' present at the moment. Forget about the past and don't worry about the future. You can ONLY control the NOW.

I think this is normal, though. I think it occurs at the end of bad depression....at the stage right before it slowly starts getting better. The emotional exhaustion takes away all emotions...good and bad.

I think medication helps me. I likely would not have gotten better without it. I like taking small doses during bad spells. I take Buspar and Ativan as needed. It helps me regulate my anxious mood, however, CBT and other talk-therapies are also very helpful.

[Robbed]

I think medication helps me. I likely would not have gotten better without it. I like taking small doses during bad spells. I take Buspar and Ativan as needed. It helps me regulate my anxious mood, however, CBT and other talk-therapies are also very helpful.

Keep in mind that this flat and detached feeling is also a common side effect of MANY medications used to treat depression and anxiety. And, along with side effects like weight gain, drowsiness, and sexual dysfunction, is one of the most common reasons why people stop using antidepressants. Going on meds is probably equally likely to make you worse as it is to help you.

[Chronic_Perfectionist]

Everyone seems to find what works best for them overtime. I took Paxil once. It is an SSRI antidepressant. It did more harm than good for me. However, I know people who took SSRIs and tolerated them very well. I think it varies alot by the person.

Anxiety and depression are both mental (therapy helps) and biological (medication helps). Some people can do all the CBT therapy in the world and never get well. These people may need medication -- sometimes for only short spells. Other people do very well only on therapy, and never need or never want medications.

Most modern medical thought argues that both, used in tandem, is best. Medication, especially when prescribed by a trained professional, can help many people greatly. However, therapy is usually needed too to help undo years of anxious thinking.

It is best to speak with a trained medical doctor, psychiatrist, or psychologist about therapy and medication options, though.

I can attest to taking Buspar with absolutely no negative side effects. The only side effect for me is less anxiety. Ativan, however, is a more powerful benzodiazapine. It is mildy sedating. I only take it during a bad panic attack, which is very rarely.