mummy2five
03-06-2011, 02:27 PM
Hi everyone, I found this site whilst googling, really could do with speaking to people who may know how I feel, as at the moment I feel so alone :(
My name is Sam and I'm 24, I live with my partner Damo we are getting married on 23rd July this year, he has 3 children from a previous relationship who are 7, 8 and 9years old and the live with us. i have a lil girl from a previous relationship who is 4 and we have a 22wk old baby together.
I duno where to begin I've never actually put everything into words before but I'll try my best. (May be long, sorry)
My main fear is danger and it's mainly towards my children......I think that there is so much out there that could harm them and that it will, I sit and imagine and see in my mind all the things happening to them......like in the car, I see the crash, I see the actual events people around me etc and I see them dying and what would happen after, or if I die I imagine what would happen to them, where would they go if Damo died too, who would look after them, and they wouldn't look after them the way that I do....I lose sleep over it, I can sit and actually sob my heart out over it, even though the chances of the things I'm thinking about actually happening are really slim. And then when something happens I'm even worse, when Frankie was 16wks old she stopped breathing and had to be rushed to hospital in an ambulance, this was one of my worst nightmares and I've never let her out of my site since. She could have died if I wasn't just going to bed and I managed to get her breathing, and I worry that I'm not going to be with her and it's going to happen again.
I struggle with situations that I have to go and talk to people I don't know......the kids have parents evening Monday and I'm panicking about it, have been since last week.....I imagine that they are thinking bad things about me, like urgh look at her she has 5 kids shes must sleep about etc etc (even though only 2 are mine, they don't know that) i set standards of myself so high and can't accept myself...I always have to be better, things have to be done in particular way at particular times, like if our routine gets knocked out of whack for any reason I'm an absolute mess not good when your partner is very laid back and wants to sponateously do things etc..because I can't do them or if I attempt to I'm a mess i have to plan things right down to the last detail, I had major trouble dealing with the end of the pregnancy because I knew I wasn't going to be able to control what happens and I was absolutely petrified.
I get in such a tizz when I'm doing something and there's all of a sudden 3 other things that need doing and it's noisy......in Tesco's today I had to get out and go straight home, there was the noise of people round me, my fella talking the boys were singing some song over and over again and I seriously think I'm going insane because I can't cope with it! The car thing only used to be a slight problem I used to panic thinking we weren't going to stop in time and crash into the car infront,but since my 2 brother's had accidents (both within last 2 weeks) it's the first time Ive been in the car today and I was terrible ended up panicking quite a few times crying sweating etc
When I'm really bad and excessively worrying I forget things that Ive litrally just done, last night i put the washing in went to swap it to the dryer this morning and it hadnt even been washed i forgot to turn it on, the amount of times Ive had a go at Damo for like not saying goodbye and giving me a kiss before work and he'll say I did just 2 seconds ago, the biggy that got me upset the most is I took my lil girl to nursery an hour early, I didnt realise until half way there I just turned round and went back home and just sat in a corner and sobbed because I really have no idea what's happening, why on earth would I do that?! I feel like I am going mad :(
I don't really go out without Damo, with him I feel safe and I'm usually ok (today with the car thing I wasn't though) if Im on my own I put my head down and try and do what I gota do and get home as quickly as possible, most of the time I end up sweating really badly, blushing at checkouts and my heart races so badly I feel like it's guna beat right out of my chest.
half way through my pregnancy my midwife referred me to perinatal psychology and ever since I have been seeing Judith every 2 weeks, she referred me on to Lets Talk Wellbeing a councilling program, I went for the assessment managed to drag myself there and I hated every second of it, she mainly spoke about the kiss, taking all their details schools doctors etc, i came out thinking they were guna take my kids off me and she constantly asked questions like do u want to kill urself, how would u kill yourself, where would u be etc etc...........I dont wana kill myself!! If anything Im petrified of dying! I hated it and for weeks after I was a mess, I told Judith and she said I wont be going back there and she has referred me to the psychology department for an assessment and then CBT but the waiting list is huge :(
Im currently taking 40mg beta blockers 3 times a day, I was taking 80mg slow releasing but then they changed it to see if I could wean myself off it but I find Im taking up to 120ml a day which is more
Omg it's like war and peace :s I'm really sorry you've ended up with all that but I needed to get it out, no-one understands around me, not even me I used to be really outgoing, centre of the party etc and now I cant even go to a supermarket never mind go out drinking with my friends. Im so nervous about my hen do and wedding its unreal Im so worried Im going to be a complete mess and wreck the whole day.
I get so low because of all this which really isn't helping I have 5 children to look after and I try my hardest to not show it infront of them but its getting difficult now they seen me have an anxiety attack today whilst out shopping and we just had to get home as soon as possible, it's the only place I feel safe :(
My name is Sam and I'm 24, I live with my partner Damo we are getting married on 23rd July this year, he has 3 children from a previous relationship who are 7, 8 and 9years old and the live with us. i have a lil girl from a previous relationship who is 4 and we have a 22wk old baby together.
I duno where to begin I've never actually put everything into words before but I'll try my best. (May be long, sorry)
My main fear is danger and it's mainly towards my children......I think that there is so much out there that could harm them and that it will, I sit and imagine and see in my mind all the things happening to them......like in the car, I see the crash, I see the actual events people around me etc and I see them dying and what would happen after, or if I die I imagine what would happen to them, where would they go if Damo died too, who would look after them, and they wouldn't look after them the way that I do....I lose sleep over it, I can sit and actually sob my heart out over it, even though the chances of the things I'm thinking about actually happening are really slim. And then when something happens I'm even worse, when Frankie was 16wks old she stopped breathing and had to be rushed to hospital in an ambulance, this was one of my worst nightmares and I've never let her out of my site since. She could have died if I wasn't just going to bed and I managed to get her breathing, and I worry that I'm not going to be with her and it's going to happen again.
I struggle with situations that I have to go and talk to people I don't know......the kids have parents evening Monday and I'm panicking about it, have been since last week.....I imagine that they are thinking bad things about me, like urgh look at her she has 5 kids shes must sleep about etc etc (even though only 2 are mine, they don't know that) i set standards of myself so high and can't accept myself...I always have to be better, things have to be done in particular way at particular times, like if our routine gets knocked out of whack for any reason I'm an absolute mess not good when your partner is very laid back and wants to sponateously do things etc..because I can't do them or if I attempt to I'm a mess i have to plan things right down to the last detail, I had major trouble dealing with the end of the pregnancy because I knew I wasn't going to be able to control what happens and I was absolutely petrified.
I get in such a tizz when I'm doing something and there's all of a sudden 3 other things that need doing and it's noisy......in Tesco's today I had to get out and go straight home, there was the noise of people round me, my fella talking the boys were singing some song over and over again and I seriously think I'm going insane because I can't cope with it! The car thing only used to be a slight problem I used to panic thinking we weren't going to stop in time and crash into the car infront,but since my 2 brother's had accidents (both within last 2 weeks) it's the first time Ive been in the car today and I was terrible ended up panicking quite a few times crying sweating etc
When I'm really bad and excessively worrying I forget things that Ive litrally just done, last night i put the washing in went to swap it to the dryer this morning and it hadnt even been washed i forgot to turn it on, the amount of times Ive had a go at Damo for like not saying goodbye and giving me a kiss before work and he'll say I did just 2 seconds ago, the biggy that got me upset the most is I took my lil girl to nursery an hour early, I didnt realise until half way there I just turned round and went back home and just sat in a corner and sobbed because I really have no idea what's happening, why on earth would I do that?! I feel like I am going mad :(
I don't really go out without Damo, with him I feel safe and I'm usually ok (today with the car thing I wasn't though) if Im on my own I put my head down and try and do what I gota do and get home as quickly as possible, most of the time I end up sweating really badly, blushing at checkouts and my heart races so badly I feel like it's guna beat right out of my chest.
half way through my pregnancy my midwife referred me to perinatal psychology and ever since I have been seeing Judith every 2 weeks, she referred me on to Lets Talk Wellbeing a councilling program, I went for the assessment managed to drag myself there and I hated every second of it, she mainly spoke about the kiss, taking all their details schools doctors etc, i came out thinking they were guna take my kids off me and she constantly asked questions like do u want to kill urself, how would u kill yourself, where would u be etc etc...........I dont wana kill myself!! If anything Im petrified of dying! I hated it and for weeks after I was a mess, I told Judith and she said I wont be going back there and she has referred me to the psychology department for an assessment and then CBT but the waiting list is huge :(
Im currently taking 40mg beta blockers 3 times a day, I was taking 80mg slow releasing but then they changed it to see if I could wean myself off it but I find Im taking up to 120ml a day which is more
Omg it's like war and peace :s I'm really sorry you've ended up with all that but I needed to get it out, no-one understands around me, not even me I used to be really outgoing, centre of the party etc and now I cant even go to a supermarket never mind go out drinking with my friends. Im so nervous about my hen do and wedding its unreal Im so worried Im going to be a complete mess and wreck the whole day.
I get so low because of all this which really isn't helping I have 5 children to look after and I try my hardest to not show it infront of them but its getting difficult now they seen me have an anxiety attack today whilst out shopping and we just had to get home as soon as possible, it's the only place I feel safe :(