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View Full Version : Cardiophobia + my story since 3 monthes ( in hell )



hockeyplayer
03-05-2011, 12:27 PM
Hi first time posting happy to join the community !

I'm a 24 years old male , 5-9 150 lbs living in Canada.

During my teenager years I was smoking marijuana , drinking and smoking cigarettes with the occasionnal mescaline trip here and there.When I was 17 years old I did speed for a year , then stopped.I had my first panic attack at age 18 while smoking marijuana and until 3 monthes ago I sometimes had panic attacks but always while on drugs.

The last 3 years , my drug of choice was cocaine , on and off with period of abuse and period of being sober.3 monthes ago , I had probably the worst panic attack of my life after a normal trip of cocaine , I went ( again ) to the E.R. they tested me for lots of things with electro cardiogram everything seemed to be fine.I have to say I've never had a panic attack while sober , but something changed in me that night.

I developped a couple of rashes the day after ( still have some of them 3 monthes later )and was very anxious , had panic attack pretty much everyday and was feeling unreal ( derealisation ).Now since 3 monthes I'm stuck in a vicious cycle of insane hypocondria and panic disorder ( hypocondria being vastly about my heart and cardiovascular system ).I also took benzos for 1 month but stopped them.My blood pressure was sometimes high and sometimes normal.

I'm currently starting a CBT or a therapy not sure what kind.There's day when I feel better but rarely a day where I don't waste at least one hour with my anxiety.Some days are all about anxiety and symptoms.

Now I could say I'm feeling better than 2 monthes ago but my phobia for my heart is worst than ever.I've always did sport here and there and am in decent shape but just last night I was playing hockey and my heart was racing , my lungs burning and overall everytime I finished a shift I was freaking out on the bench , I thought it was a pretty fast heart rate.Basically I'm scared to do excercise but I want to so much and I know I have to excercise to heal.

any tips or helps ?

A changed man :(

hockeyplayer
03-05-2011, 09:16 PM
anyone?

Anyway , tonight I felt less anxious because I just got flu symptoms this morning which make my mind think about something else , but right now for some reason it is the night and I feel like crying , like what the fuck did I did to myself sniffing cocaine and putting me in this state , have I developped a life long disorder? I never really did nothing out of my life and I waso n the edge of turning my life around but this anxiety , fucking sick anxiety started and is just not going away :(

god damnit I'm sad , at the beginning of my anxiety problem I noticed I wasn't depressed like the majority of anxiety sufferers but right now I'm in the camp for sure :( worthless life as long as this disorder is around.What's the good in all of this if I can't even sit and watch TV , comfortably and feeling safe , like a normal person? What's the point if playing nintendo is as demanding as 5 hours of gym was 3 monthes ago , what's the point if I can't even play hockey fearing I will die of an heart attack at 24 years old?

hockeyplayer
03-05-2011, 10:35 PM
thanks a lot for your answer forwells !!!

One question before I answer couple of point , why do you say I shouldnt bust my butt?

Ok now for a couple of points , I must admit I am a Diet pepsi addict but currently on my way to stop.Also cigarettes but I couldn't stop everything at once but am now ready with the pepsi.

I don't know which supplemant to take , I'm lost with this whole ''supplement game''

I know depression and anxiety normally occur when stopping drugs, but it never really was the case with me.I often stopped cocaine for monthes without any symptoms whatsoever , but I can understand things change and it may be the case right now , but for some reasons I never think about cocaine , it's not like cocaine is on my mind at all , my heart and anxiety is.

I dont google symptoms anymore , or almost never.Still tempted to do but for a good 2 weeks I googled 500 problems per day.

I wasn't really a ''bad boy'' , I was more of a high school dropout that was really good in school before he dropped out and just found myself with no life during my early 20s with a drug problem.I'm an intellectual with a bit of a street side because of my lifestyle ;)

The hardest thing is to make sense of all this puzzle that is anxiety , what I can eat , what I can do , what supplement should I take , how much effort should I put in my excercise , being unemployed and wondering if a job will stress me or make me some good ( except $ which I don't need THAT BAD )

ooooh lord