AnxiousSelf
03-05-2011, 08:46 AM
Hello, I am new to not only this forum but to internet forums in general. This looks like a good place to start.
I am not sure exactly how much I wish to share in this forum. I am going to start writing, and separating topics by using titles. This will make it possible to skip parts that seem boring or not so interesting or not applicable to your situation.
My Adolescence in a Nutshell:
I was the shyest kid in school. You would talk to me and I would turn bright red. But this was only in social situations where I either didn't know the others, or the others were important to me, for instance, family I haven't seen nor talked to in some time. But of course back then I was just a shy kid, and shy kids are everywhere.
Post Adolescence Pre-Adulthood
I was always able to maintain close friendships with a select few. I somewhat grew out of quite a bit of my crippling shyness from adolescence. But this innocent shyness soon started to feel a bit different.
High school for example was a time for taking on more responsibilities, a time for taking on more complicated social relationships and so on. My time in High School is when I started questioning my social skills as I evaluated them against the social skills portrayed by my peers. This is when I also started judging myself. If I embarrassed myself or if I felt like I was being too much of a follower, or if I recognized that I was being picked on a little too much in my social groups, I started evaluating myself. I would try to find those weaknesses that led me to this apparent subordination in regard to my social groups and I would try and mark any weakness I would find in my personality as something I need to watch out for or fix.
First Experiences with Marijuana
High School is also when I started to smoke marijuana. In fact my first experience was pretty terrifying. A friend and I decided to pick up some fairly strong pot and smoke at my house after school. This was freshman year. As both of us had never really done it before, nor had never even really been around those who have, we were pretty ignorant about how much to even smoke. So we started smoking. I can't even remember how much we smoked, but I remember when I first started to feel that high feeling set in. I panicked. I felt my heart racing and I felt like I was going crazy. I told my friend about all of this but he seemed to be ok. But of course, my anxiety was fairly contagious at the time and inevitably my friend started freaking out a little as well. I remember even telling him to hold on to the phone in case we need to call 911. Absolutely hilarious looking back!
Anyway, for the next few months that anxiety kind of stuck around. I remember not being able to sleep and also keeping a small light on at night. I have no clue why I needed to all the sudden keep a light on in the dark, but I think it had something to do with being afraid of my mind and where it might go when laying in bed in the dark alone.
High School flew by, my anxiety was up and down and I continued to smoke pot. I should mention that after that, I was able to relax with the high feeling and was able to smoke without experience such crippling anxieties. I was able to enjoy the effects.
On to College
Responsibilities are picking up speed at this point. I'm on my own, I'm in a dorm room, immersed in a whole new social dynamic and I brought my marijuana hobby/fascination with me. By this time I was smoking daily. I had become accustomed to dealing with my anxieties. Not that my anxieties were no longer an issue, because they were all still there, but I had refined my own concept of a Comfort Zone over the past few stressful years of High School. So I was able to smoke weed while in my comfort zone without having to experience a ton of anxiety. It was just when I would smoke outside of my comfort zone (i.e. with a group of people I didn't know very well), that's when my anxiety would be front and center.
My First Crippling De-realization Experience
I was in that dorm room alone on some afternoon in my Freshman year of college. I smoked alot of pot and all the sudden anxiety started to creep in. Normally I would I counter that feeling by comforting myself with music or television. All the sudden these things started to lose meaning to me and did not help. Since these tools were really all I had that helped me feel in control of my anxiety, and since they weren't working I started to spin towards that downward spiral of anxiety and panic. At the time I swore that something was wrong with my brain and that marijuana was opening doors that should remain shut for the sake of my sanity. I was confident that this was the issue.
Convinced that I was Finally Going Insane at 27 years old (the present)
So I pretty much stopped smoking after that for quite a while. This lasted up until recently actually. From about 20 years old to my current age of 27 I pretty much stayed away from weed out of the fear that there was some issue with my mind, and that weed could bring insanity out of me.
But here I am at 27 years old experiencing more responsibilities/more life stresses/more anxiety than ever. Just about 8 months ago I started to freak out about going crazy again. I had just quit a terrible job that had me extremely stressed out and was experiencing some other normal life stresses. I started to freak out when thinking that all of this anxiety I am feeling is what crazy feels like. I started to experience anxiety attacks that would keep me up all night. Sometimes suffering from this so much that I even considered going to the hospital. I realized I needed professional help.
My Time in Therapy
My time in therapy has been absolutely fantastic. I've learned how to welcome all my emotions rather than freaking out about them. Never before was I willing to step back and analyze my thoughts/emotions. I thought that this activity seemed too weird and even dangerous. I never before let myself lay in bed at night alone and just let my thoughts/emotions drift through me naturally without me trying to stay on guard and battle "bad thoughts" or "anxious thoughts" out of fear that they might drive me to insanity.
Back to Smoking Marijuana
In my on going effort to normalize my anxiety and gain peace of mind that I am completely sane, and to gain confidence that there is nothing in my brain that is inclined to the realm of insanity, I am now exposing myself to what I would consider as being anxious provoking situations, both personally and socially. And since marijuana has been such an anxiety provoking thing in my life, I felt this would be a great place to start. And I am also in a secure place in my life with a good job and a supportive girlfriend where I can experiment with this without the intense anxiety that I am being completely irresponsible.
Marijuana also just somehow brings anxiety out of you. You would think, just from the pot stereotypes that if you have some life problems at the moment or are experiencing anxiety, that marijuana would mellow you out and make you forget about your troubles. I find marijuana does the opposite. If your in "fight or flight mode" with your anxieties at the moment and then smoke a joint, those anxieties are brought up in front of your face for you to deal with right then and there - you are unable to run from them. So in a way, it isn't necessarily the pot that is giving you anxiety, but it is the pot that is making you think of those thoughts/memories/regrets that you thought you successfully boarded up in the back of your mind and escaped, and it is these thoughts that bring with them the anxiety that you are running from. Well for me at least, pot makes me think through all of my shit and deal with my problems putting closure to things and in turn lessening anxiety.
At the moment I smoke almost every evening an hour or two before bed. I usually then practice some mindfulness meditation or I write about my thoughts/emotions/anxieties in a journal I started. This has all helped me immensely! I am now battling it out with other anxieties that have been with me my entire life but haven't been completely in the focus of my concerns. Things like social anxiety that pops up in the workplace or in certain social situations. But my main anxiety that there was something wrong with my head and that I'm inclined to go crazy (namely: schizophrenic) has been relatively put to rest. I mean it still comes up on occasion, but I am now equipped with the tools to quickly destroy that anxiety from the moment it starts to surface.
In Conclusion
This forum entry was just a stream of consciousness and not really well laid out. I am sorry if I jumped around too much and didn't clarify certain things. Life/anxiety/experience is just too complex to try and put in a nutshell.
The point of all this wasn't just for me to express my unique situation with anxiety and marijuana, but to hopefully help others who suffer from a similar anxieties. Of course marijuana is not for everyone, and is still illegal in most states in the US. If you suffer from anxiety already, there is no doubt that marijuana will make it feel alot worse. But this is just because marijuana makes you think of shit that in a non-stoned state you are able to push way back in your head and run from. And if you have other mental problems such as depression along with anxiety, well I have no clue the effect this drug would have on you. Not to mention that for most, just by using a drug that is illegal or maybe taboo in your social arrangement is certainly going to bring anxiety in this regard.
Good luck! and ask questions.
I am not sure exactly how much I wish to share in this forum. I am going to start writing, and separating topics by using titles. This will make it possible to skip parts that seem boring or not so interesting or not applicable to your situation.
My Adolescence in a Nutshell:
I was the shyest kid in school. You would talk to me and I would turn bright red. But this was only in social situations where I either didn't know the others, or the others were important to me, for instance, family I haven't seen nor talked to in some time. But of course back then I was just a shy kid, and shy kids are everywhere.
Post Adolescence Pre-Adulthood
I was always able to maintain close friendships with a select few. I somewhat grew out of quite a bit of my crippling shyness from adolescence. But this innocent shyness soon started to feel a bit different.
High school for example was a time for taking on more responsibilities, a time for taking on more complicated social relationships and so on. My time in High School is when I started questioning my social skills as I evaluated them against the social skills portrayed by my peers. This is when I also started judging myself. If I embarrassed myself or if I felt like I was being too much of a follower, or if I recognized that I was being picked on a little too much in my social groups, I started evaluating myself. I would try to find those weaknesses that led me to this apparent subordination in regard to my social groups and I would try and mark any weakness I would find in my personality as something I need to watch out for or fix.
First Experiences with Marijuana
High School is also when I started to smoke marijuana. In fact my first experience was pretty terrifying. A friend and I decided to pick up some fairly strong pot and smoke at my house after school. This was freshman year. As both of us had never really done it before, nor had never even really been around those who have, we were pretty ignorant about how much to even smoke. So we started smoking. I can't even remember how much we smoked, but I remember when I first started to feel that high feeling set in. I panicked. I felt my heart racing and I felt like I was going crazy. I told my friend about all of this but he seemed to be ok. But of course, my anxiety was fairly contagious at the time and inevitably my friend started freaking out a little as well. I remember even telling him to hold on to the phone in case we need to call 911. Absolutely hilarious looking back!
Anyway, for the next few months that anxiety kind of stuck around. I remember not being able to sleep and also keeping a small light on at night. I have no clue why I needed to all the sudden keep a light on in the dark, but I think it had something to do with being afraid of my mind and where it might go when laying in bed in the dark alone.
High School flew by, my anxiety was up and down and I continued to smoke pot. I should mention that after that, I was able to relax with the high feeling and was able to smoke without experience such crippling anxieties. I was able to enjoy the effects.
On to College
Responsibilities are picking up speed at this point. I'm on my own, I'm in a dorm room, immersed in a whole new social dynamic and I brought my marijuana hobby/fascination with me. By this time I was smoking daily. I had become accustomed to dealing with my anxieties. Not that my anxieties were no longer an issue, because they were all still there, but I had refined my own concept of a Comfort Zone over the past few stressful years of High School. So I was able to smoke weed while in my comfort zone without having to experience a ton of anxiety. It was just when I would smoke outside of my comfort zone (i.e. with a group of people I didn't know very well), that's when my anxiety would be front and center.
My First Crippling De-realization Experience
I was in that dorm room alone on some afternoon in my Freshman year of college. I smoked alot of pot and all the sudden anxiety started to creep in. Normally I would I counter that feeling by comforting myself with music or television. All the sudden these things started to lose meaning to me and did not help. Since these tools were really all I had that helped me feel in control of my anxiety, and since they weren't working I started to spin towards that downward spiral of anxiety and panic. At the time I swore that something was wrong with my brain and that marijuana was opening doors that should remain shut for the sake of my sanity. I was confident that this was the issue.
Convinced that I was Finally Going Insane at 27 years old (the present)
So I pretty much stopped smoking after that for quite a while. This lasted up until recently actually. From about 20 years old to my current age of 27 I pretty much stayed away from weed out of the fear that there was some issue with my mind, and that weed could bring insanity out of me.
But here I am at 27 years old experiencing more responsibilities/more life stresses/more anxiety than ever. Just about 8 months ago I started to freak out about going crazy again. I had just quit a terrible job that had me extremely stressed out and was experiencing some other normal life stresses. I started to freak out when thinking that all of this anxiety I am feeling is what crazy feels like. I started to experience anxiety attacks that would keep me up all night. Sometimes suffering from this so much that I even considered going to the hospital. I realized I needed professional help.
My Time in Therapy
My time in therapy has been absolutely fantastic. I've learned how to welcome all my emotions rather than freaking out about them. Never before was I willing to step back and analyze my thoughts/emotions. I thought that this activity seemed too weird and even dangerous. I never before let myself lay in bed at night alone and just let my thoughts/emotions drift through me naturally without me trying to stay on guard and battle "bad thoughts" or "anxious thoughts" out of fear that they might drive me to insanity.
Back to Smoking Marijuana
In my on going effort to normalize my anxiety and gain peace of mind that I am completely sane, and to gain confidence that there is nothing in my brain that is inclined to the realm of insanity, I am now exposing myself to what I would consider as being anxious provoking situations, both personally and socially. And since marijuana has been such an anxiety provoking thing in my life, I felt this would be a great place to start. And I am also in a secure place in my life with a good job and a supportive girlfriend where I can experiment with this without the intense anxiety that I am being completely irresponsible.
Marijuana also just somehow brings anxiety out of you. You would think, just from the pot stereotypes that if you have some life problems at the moment or are experiencing anxiety, that marijuana would mellow you out and make you forget about your troubles. I find marijuana does the opposite. If your in "fight or flight mode" with your anxieties at the moment and then smoke a joint, those anxieties are brought up in front of your face for you to deal with right then and there - you are unable to run from them. So in a way, it isn't necessarily the pot that is giving you anxiety, but it is the pot that is making you think of those thoughts/memories/regrets that you thought you successfully boarded up in the back of your mind and escaped, and it is these thoughts that bring with them the anxiety that you are running from. Well for me at least, pot makes me think through all of my shit and deal with my problems putting closure to things and in turn lessening anxiety.
At the moment I smoke almost every evening an hour or two before bed. I usually then practice some mindfulness meditation or I write about my thoughts/emotions/anxieties in a journal I started. This has all helped me immensely! I am now battling it out with other anxieties that have been with me my entire life but haven't been completely in the focus of my concerns. Things like social anxiety that pops up in the workplace or in certain social situations. But my main anxiety that there was something wrong with my head and that I'm inclined to go crazy (namely: schizophrenic) has been relatively put to rest. I mean it still comes up on occasion, but I am now equipped with the tools to quickly destroy that anxiety from the moment it starts to surface.
In Conclusion
This forum entry was just a stream of consciousness and not really well laid out. I am sorry if I jumped around too much and didn't clarify certain things. Life/anxiety/experience is just too complex to try and put in a nutshell.
The point of all this wasn't just for me to express my unique situation with anxiety and marijuana, but to hopefully help others who suffer from a similar anxieties. Of course marijuana is not for everyone, and is still illegal in most states in the US. If you suffer from anxiety already, there is no doubt that marijuana will make it feel alot worse. But this is just because marijuana makes you think of shit that in a non-stoned state you are able to push way back in your head and run from. And if you have other mental problems such as depression along with anxiety, well I have no clue the effect this drug would have on you. Not to mention that for most, just by using a drug that is illegal or maybe taboo in your social arrangement is certainly going to bring anxiety in this regard.
Good luck! and ask questions.