lira
03-02-2011, 07:41 AM
Hi everyone,
I'm new to this forum.My name is Lira, age 25. Lately I feel so crippled with anxiety. I need help. Any help. I am so stressed. And all the stress in my life, they are adding up to my anxiety. How to begin with my story? I have no one to talk to. Yes, I do have a boyfriend but I haven't talk about everything with him yet. He knows that I have anxiety. And he's always trying his best to keep me calm.
My Anxiety Story (Sorry It's quite Long..please bare with me & help me analyze)
As far as I can remember, I have always been an adrenaline based,high achiever type of person. It's very hard for me to be laid back. I always have racing thoughts in my head. Since I was a child, I had trouble sleeping at night. I was nocturnal. I was doing well at school. One thing I know for sure, it's I always had a hard time to relax and calm down. I was always nervous, with lots of energy and racing thoughts.
One incident during my childhood marked the biggest fear of my life. I fainted at school and went into a coma for a week. There was a period when my heart stopped beating at the hospital and I was pronounced dead. But 10-15 minutes after that, I came back to life again and was in a coma. My brain scan, overal examination shows that everything is good normal & very healthy. It was a mysterious condition.
A week later I woke up and stayed in hospital for some weeks and then went back to school and did well in class. Elders in my family told my parents that it was black magic sent to my dad, but bounced and hit me because I was a child that time. I don't know about it. But I realize that the childhood unconscious incident, somehow lingered in my mind, causing me subliminal fears.
Fast forward to college years. I was in college and about to submit my exam papers. Suddenly I feel it, my first anxiety attack. It begin from the stomach. I felt butterflies in my stomach, and also lots of gas. I thought I was having stomach ulcer problems. So I just sat at the stairs for God knows how long..(30mins-1 hour) to calm myself down, until I can resume strength to stand up and submit my exam papers. That was my first anxiety attack experience, and me being just a college student, I just tried to shrug it off.
Looking back and remembering myself commuting with the bus and train, 2 hours per day from my city to campus, now I realize it was scary. But at that time, I didn't feel paranoid about that. I just treat it as normal routine. My mom raised me with iron hands and forbid us to show any weakness. I remember mom fainting at home because of exhaustion but don't want to discuss about it. Later in life I learned that my mom has mental problems as well. She always behave bad towards any weakness and sickness and forbids me and my brother to be sick, or even talk about our sickness & weakness. She doesn't want to talk about sickness, like it's a big shame.
Later in life, I learned that being sick is normal. Feeling tired is human.Many adults I meet, they take responsible rests and they stop working when they feel tired. But I learned it too late. My mom always got angry when I asked her why she fainted or appear worry about her. She always argue that she is a strong person and that weakness is not tolerated in this house. I grew up to IGNORE my own body needs. IGNORE my own sickness and IGNORE myself when I feel tired, just like my mom. She always assume that she is very strong and has super human strength. Later in life, I realize that this is not normal.
Looking back, I realize I have pushed myself beyond my physical limits so many times. I worked 2 jobs and went to college. I often faint because of exhaustion and just shrug it off and continue back to work. I didn't know that I was putting myself in danger with not caring about myself. I didn't care not because I didn't want to, but because I didn't know how to. I remember one evening I fainted after doing some work and friends help me wake up again, give me a warm drink and 10 minutes later I get back to work again instead of going home to rest.
I literally pushed myself beyond the limit. I refuse to admit that I am tired and I was always on call, at work. I never said no. I never took day offs. That was my life 5 years ago when I was juggling work and college and studies at uni.
My working Life (anxiety attack)
I was always a high achiever at work and a workaholic. I was always the last one to go home. I also work and played hard. I have an active social life. After office, I would hit the bars with friends and sleep late and wake up early the next morning. And it was my life style. Anxiety was not much, I remember one afternoon I got anxiety that was trigerred by an office conflict. I went to a doctor and took 2 days off. I took meds (diazepam) and other tranquilizers, and feel so much better.
I used to be obese and workaholic. Then, I took Reductil diet pills (sibutramine) for 2 years non stop and lost tons of weight (around 90lbs) and kept it off, albeit yo-yo ing 10-20lbs in maintainance. Could the sibutramine cause side effects in my heart, creating this anxiety?
I'm new to this forum.My name is Lira, age 25. Lately I feel so crippled with anxiety. I need help. Any help. I am so stressed. And all the stress in my life, they are adding up to my anxiety. How to begin with my story? I have no one to talk to. Yes, I do have a boyfriend but I haven't talk about everything with him yet. He knows that I have anxiety. And he's always trying his best to keep me calm.
My Anxiety Story (Sorry It's quite Long..please bare with me & help me analyze)
As far as I can remember, I have always been an adrenaline based,high achiever type of person. It's very hard for me to be laid back. I always have racing thoughts in my head. Since I was a child, I had trouble sleeping at night. I was nocturnal. I was doing well at school. One thing I know for sure, it's I always had a hard time to relax and calm down. I was always nervous, with lots of energy and racing thoughts.
One incident during my childhood marked the biggest fear of my life. I fainted at school and went into a coma for a week. There was a period when my heart stopped beating at the hospital and I was pronounced dead. But 10-15 minutes after that, I came back to life again and was in a coma. My brain scan, overal examination shows that everything is good normal & very healthy. It was a mysterious condition.
A week later I woke up and stayed in hospital for some weeks and then went back to school and did well in class. Elders in my family told my parents that it was black magic sent to my dad, but bounced and hit me because I was a child that time. I don't know about it. But I realize that the childhood unconscious incident, somehow lingered in my mind, causing me subliminal fears.
Fast forward to college years. I was in college and about to submit my exam papers. Suddenly I feel it, my first anxiety attack. It begin from the stomach. I felt butterflies in my stomach, and also lots of gas. I thought I was having stomach ulcer problems. So I just sat at the stairs for God knows how long..(30mins-1 hour) to calm myself down, until I can resume strength to stand up and submit my exam papers. That was my first anxiety attack experience, and me being just a college student, I just tried to shrug it off.
Looking back and remembering myself commuting with the bus and train, 2 hours per day from my city to campus, now I realize it was scary. But at that time, I didn't feel paranoid about that. I just treat it as normal routine. My mom raised me with iron hands and forbid us to show any weakness. I remember mom fainting at home because of exhaustion but don't want to discuss about it. Later in life I learned that my mom has mental problems as well. She always behave bad towards any weakness and sickness and forbids me and my brother to be sick, or even talk about our sickness & weakness. She doesn't want to talk about sickness, like it's a big shame.
Later in life, I learned that being sick is normal. Feeling tired is human.Many adults I meet, they take responsible rests and they stop working when they feel tired. But I learned it too late. My mom always got angry when I asked her why she fainted or appear worry about her. She always argue that she is a strong person and that weakness is not tolerated in this house. I grew up to IGNORE my own body needs. IGNORE my own sickness and IGNORE myself when I feel tired, just like my mom. She always assume that she is very strong and has super human strength. Later in life, I realize that this is not normal.
Looking back, I realize I have pushed myself beyond my physical limits so many times. I worked 2 jobs and went to college. I often faint because of exhaustion and just shrug it off and continue back to work. I didn't know that I was putting myself in danger with not caring about myself. I didn't care not because I didn't want to, but because I didn't know how to. I remember one evening I fainted after doing some work and friends help me wake up again, give me a warm drink and 10 minutes later I get back to work again instead of going home to rest.
I literally pushed myself beyond the limit. I refuse to admit that I am tired and I was always on call, at work. I never said no. I never took day offs. That was my life 5 years ago when I was juggling work and college and studies at uni.
My working Life (anxiety attack)
I was always a high achiever at work and a workaholic. I was always the last one to go home. I also work and played hard. I have an active social life. After office, I would hit the bars with friends and sleep late and wake up early the next morning. And it was my life style. Anxiety was not much, I remember one afternoon I got anxiety that was trigerred by an office conflict. I went to a doctor and took 2 days off. I took meds (diazepam) and other tranquilizers, and feel so much better.
I used to be obese and workaholic. Then, I took Reductil diet pills (sibutramine) for 2 years non stop and lost tons of weight (around 90lbs) and kept it off, albeit yo-yo ing 10-20lbs in maintainance. Could the sibutramine cause side effects in my heart, creating this anxiety?