Anxiety Problem

[jpc]

Hi there,

My name is Jason, I'm a 22 year old male and I've suffered from anxiety for a large part of my life. The first time I was treated for the illness was when I was around 13 - 14 years old (Though being so young and stubborn I denied needing any form of treatment and stopped going after a few sessions) Anyhow, I was constantly worried about my family being injured or hurt, or something bad in general happening to them. This subsided after a while. Just recently it resurfaced, but based itself around my girlfriend at the time. We had been together for 3 years, and it was only in the last few months of our relationship that it got rather extreme. I was constantly calling her and wanting to be with her. I was constantly worried about her, of something happening to her, her leaving me, etc. I started receiving counseling for the problem, but midway through treatment our relationship ended. The anxiety was gone. I continued the treatment anyway, but I don't think I got the full benefit from it since I wasn't experiencing the problem anymore. After a fairly long break from dating (I refused to get close to anyone else for fear of the illness returning) I have started seeing another girl. She wants a relationship but I'm scared to commit to anything, since I can already sense those feelings returning. I know she can't hang around and wait forever and I'm worried about missing such a great opportunity with a great girl. I really don't know what to do. Anyone have any words of wisdom?

[jimmy2shoes]

I think this is something you need to put some thought to.. Because you don't want to spend the rest of your life being the needy boyfriend, who gets crazy when she doesn't answer her phone for an hour while she's downstairs and her phone is upstairs.
It just doesn't do any good for the relationship.
I think getting to the source of WHY you feel this way is worth diving into. I think it could be a couple of things the first thing mainly being a fear of loss. It seems you had this as a child, so it seems reasonable that it would come out regarding people that you really care about. So being vulnerable is something that you need to work on, that these things are out of your control - the relationship will work, or it won't work. You can make an effort to maintain a relationship - but calling her and harrassing her every 15 minutes is not making an effort - this is YOUR avenue for relieiving you STRESS/ANXIETY. Your partner will become similar to a drug - when you don't hear from them for a while - you will feel unsatisfied and anxious until you get a response. I can relate to you because I have had some issues with jealousy - and I can tell you what you are experiencing is very similar (fear of loss) which is what my jealousy was about...
What you need to understand is this is VERY unhealthy for the relationship - and it's something that you need to work on. It is a control thing - you need to KNOW she still loves you - every second, and you will keep looking for ways that SHE DOESN'T - allowing you to justify your needy behaviour. This HAS to change if you want a healthy relationship.
It something you simply work on over time. When you want to call her or msg her - don't. Train yourself to TRUST her, reinforce yourself that everything is ok - she still likes you. Obiously don't be naive but there is a fine line - one that you need to keep a close and mature eye on.
If you do what you did with your last girlfriend, it is likely that this relationship will end. But you will justify it ... 'she didn't respond within [timframe] or [she didn't say i love you often] or [she never understands how I feel]..
This is a very common, yet damaging aspect of a lot of relationships - and I am familiar with them as my dad was very similar to this.
I won't lie it is very hard, sometimes you want to give in to yourself because you cannot handle the discomfort. But the most important thing is that discomfort is YOUR ISSUE - not hers - this is all about you. She has done nothing wrong. If you try to pin her responsibility in your discomforts your relationship will deteriorate.
So thats it :) good luck