Attachment anxiety, need some advice!

[Cyn25]

Hey everyone.
I don't know if it would make sense to call it attachment anxiety... I don't know of another way to describe it. I find myself attached to my bf to the point where I feel a lot of anxiety when not with him; ie: work, or out trying to enjoy time with other people. I often wonder what he is doing, or feeling a need to want to go home.
I don't hang out with many people apart from him, and although that is slowly starting to change, it has gotten to the point where I have turned down shifts at work..
Does anyone have any advice? Is this anxiety, or something completely different? Through research.. I have often read up on abandonment, or fear of abandonment. How does something like this develop? What can I do to try and change this... I know that I do not give him the space he deserves sometimes, and in way's I too would like to be able to go out and enjoy my time alone or with other people. I don't want to ruin my releationship with him over something that seems to silly....

[Spanky]

Welcome to the forum. I've only recently started dealing with anxiety but I can say that I've had the same issue. When this all started I didn't want my girlfriend to leave me alone. I wanted her right next to me at all times because she was the one that could calm me down the most. Unfortunately I can't be with her 24/7 so I'd even call her in the middle of the night so I could calm down some. If you wanna start going out with others and enjoying that may I suggest going somewhere where your boyfriend is still close but at the same time in a different area. Perhaps go to the mall with some of his friends and yours and split up. That way you can have the pure thought that your boyfriend isn't too far away but hes not right next to you either. I hope this helps.

[ss_worrier]

Hi Cyn,

Reading your post reminded me of the very important fact that we are never alone in our worries or anxieties. That doesn't mean that all situations are the same, which I want to underline since I eventually came to the decision to break off the relationship with the person towards whom my attachment anxiety (an excellent way of describing it!) was directed. I am pretty sure it partly had to do with the fact that when I got better at coping with my anxiety, I realized how much of my "belief" that we were perfect for each other and that we worked so well together etc was based in a fear of abandonment and of never finding anyone else who would feel the same way about me as she did. All I am saying is that when your attachment anxiety goes down you will not only feel better but also probably be able to view your relationship in more of a clear light -- which will in either case be a good thing.

I really recognize my past behaviour in the way you are sort of isolating yourself with your boyfriend by giving hanging out with him such a high priority. Changing that pattern and starting to hang out more with other people as well will certainly help reduce your attachment anxiety towards him; I think that being given social confirmation by others than our respectives can help reduce the attachment anxiety since it shows us the value we hold regardless of our boyfriends/girlfriends -- the fear of abandonment is being reduced, since we're told that no matter what, there are and will be other people in our lives.

Something that helped me very much in coping with my attachment issue to my girlfriend (now ex) was trying to realize that even without her (the thought of which gave me a huge deal of anxiety) I would still be fine. That's the thing about anxiety, it makes our brains tell us that our fears and anxious thoughts are actually dangerous to us if they would come true, which isn't really the case. I obviously don't know anything about your specific anxiety surrounding your relationship except for what you wrote in your post; what is it that you fear when you're away from your boyfriend? What thoughts are accompanying the anxious feelings? If abandonment is what you fear, then I would say that realizing that it isn't as awful as you imagine it to be and to recognize that however it painful it may be, it is a passing phase -- and a natural part of life -- will help you a lot. Now this is easier said than done, of course. Therapy helps me a lot. I've tried reading a self-help book about anxiety and worrying, that may also be helpful. There are lots of mental excercises online that can help for anxiety and worrying. Good luck and remember that there are lots of other people worrying about the same things, you're never alone in whatever anxious thought patterns you may be in.