Guilt magnified by anxiety :(

[dancecircadance]

Hey guys...I know I recently posted here but I need to get this off of my chest and hopefully get some reassurance that I'm not a bad person :( The main reason I feel guilty is because I said something I truly truly regret and that I didn’t mean at all. A few years ago, when I was going through a pre-teen phase where I felt like I needed to be independent and didn't want to be close to my parents because it made me feel like a "baby" having to depend on them (even though having a relationship with your parents doesn't mean you depend on them, I was ignorant at the time and with this phase my emotions changed) I told my best friend Chance that if my parents died, I wasn’t sure if I would cry. Even though inside I cared about them, my stupid attitude overrided it. How could I say that about the two people who have raised me and given me everything I’ve ever wanted? I know I was going through a teenage phase and wanted to be independent, but this was unnecessary to say and I don’t know why it escaped me. I truly didn't think about what I was saying - basically what I meant was that if I was alone I would be fine, because I was so "independent". I was only talking to friends at the time for the most part. I feel like I don’t deserve them.. I love them so much.. why does this anxiety have to dig these things out of my memory? Just as I started to become close to them and was becoming happy again, now I remember this and feel guilty again :( I know how awful it sounds..I had that attitude of “I can handle things on my own” and I didn’t show emotion towards them, even though they did nothing wrong to me :( And the thing is, even though I didn't talk to them much at all, they still acted happy towards me and when I told them about my anxiety they were so supportive and loving. The good thing about this anxiety is realizing how much I appreciate my parents and how much I love them and how lucky I am to have them. I just don’t see how I could’ve been so heartless before. This could be a healthy guilt though, as long as I don’t let it overcome me – it forces me to realize how I was before and how I’ve changed throughout the anxiety. Wow, it feels really good to post this and I hope you guys understand that I didn't mean what I said and that the reason I said it was because I had forced myself to be so distant from them. I am not trying to deny that it was wrong to say, and I take responsibility, but I know that it didn't come from my heart at all and that at points in our lives we all say things we don't mean, and during the transition to adolescence large phases like this can occur. i hope you guys understand! I'm so glad I have a place to post things about my anxiety and I will continue to search and try to help as many people as I can! I know we all make mistakes and say things we don't mean, but I still feel bad. I never want to think about what i spoke of , ever, theyre all I have and I can't imagine going through anxiety without them. They're the reason I stay in a positive mood! <3 Thanks everyone!

Edit: by the way, when I talk about them being supportive about the anxiety and stuff that was recent, not at the time of the phase. And only positive comments please, even though I know no one on here leaves negative ones. I just hope you guys understand that it wasn't the true me talking, even though I didn't have anxiety at the time. Thanks :) You guys are great

[dancecircadance]

haha! thanks kev :) They didn't really do anything to me for me to think that way though.. well, since we weren't talking the only time we did was usually when I was getting in trouble so I guess it isn't that big of a deal. Thanks a lot :)