the hold life has
01-06-2011, 12:50 PM
For years, I've been struggling with everyday life of anxiety and depression. Mainly anxiety, though. It was first thought (by my early therapist as well as my second one) that I have OCD. But even though they said this, over time I've come to doubt it. I don't have any typical, textbook obsessions, i.e. washing, checking, etc. At one time, I did have more typical worries, but over time I've grown overwhelmingly concerned with completely different things. Often I'm afraid it's "just life" and I'm using this disorder thing as an excuse...
I worry all the time. This is how I've felt over the years, I think negatively, I fear the future, I fixate on the darkest outcomest. The worst is that I constantly fear that in many situations I have to intervene, even though I'd like to let it slide regardless of the outcome. It's this pressure that I have to pre-emptively fix something of which I'm unsure, which might be potentially "dangerous" or worrying. Often I have to confess things to people close to me in order to get relief, because otherwise I'm all tense and feel as if I was holding secrets from them...
All this makes me physically feel bad as well, I feel pain in my chest, I want to cry to get it out. I can't take my mind off things when it's worst, I feel estranged, tense, I feel I just need to lie down cause I can't even bear to stand anymore. Often it feels like horror, as if I've lost all control of myself, lost all perspective, my mind telling me I'll never make it, never make a step forward because it's always the same with me. I'm not an irrational person, but I keep on coming back again and again to such thinking, feeling, behaving.
I worry all the time. This is how I've felt over the years, I think negatively, I fear the future, I fixate on the darkest outcomest. The worst is that I constantly fear that in many situations I have to intervene, even though I'd like to let it slide regardless of the outcome. It's this pressure that I have to pre-emptively fix something of which I'm unsure, which might be potentially "dangerous" or worrying. Often I have to confess things to people close to me in order to get relief, because otherwise I'm all tense and feel as if I was holding secrets from them...
All this makes me physically feel bad as well, I feel pain in my chest, I want to cry to get it out. I can't take my mind off things when it's worst, I feel estranged, tense, I feel I just need to lie down cause I can't even bear to stand anymore. Often it feels like horror, as if I've lost all control of myself, lost all perspective, my mind telling me I'll never make it, never make a step forward because it's always the same with me. I'm not an irrational person, but I keep on coming back again and again to such thinking, feeling, behaving.