milk
12-22-2010, 08:09 PM
Okay. I don't really know where to start but, and I don't know if this is the right place on the net to post, but here goes…
A bit of background info:
About a year ago, I got major depression for no reason and was offered counselling. I refused it because I found the idea of it pretty useless. It got worse and worse, to the point I would just cry endlessly, could never be happy, couldn't force myself to smile. Throughout the months, I went through a few different stages - slightly depressed to major depression, to major mood swings to again slight depression. After about 5 months, the whole depression slowly subsided as I told myself there's no point in being depressed.
I started to go out again and socialise, even though I always quiet. I was mildly happy for a while, then got into the alcohol scene. As my tolerance to it grew, I found myself needing more and more. One week I ended up drinking a litre of vodka over a really short period of time, later throwing up blood. For months after, I felt generally felt drained and just plain empty. I felt like my mental capacity had shrunk considerably, and I could barely write/type, the words just wouldn't come to mind. My memory has got A LOT worse. As i'm typing this, i'm having trouble reiterating the outline of what happened. So I stopped drinking, in hope I would get better. And I have, but marginally. I still feel… slow. I felt like I was in some brain haze and do now to a bit of a lesser extent.
When I stopped drinking, I stopped going out again. Looking back, It was pretty pointless going out like that anyway, and it's sure as shit boring now. I don't go out now, as I feel i'm not missing out on anything, I just don't want to, I don't even do anything now. I distance myself considerably from people and I realise i'm not doing myself any favours. People think i'm generally stuck up and I kind of just find it funny.
Problem:
And now, I just feel void of all feeling. No emotion, I just feel empty, most all time. I feel like i'm on autopilot, like i'm destined to have some boring job that I don't like, or I will just fail, get bad grades that will land me a useless job and i'll completely be a nobody and lose all hope. I feel as if I have no control. I just feel lost, I will often forget why i'm doing things completely, my memory is terrible, and I haven't ever been quieter around people. I still smile and laugh but it doesn't feel normal, it just feels awkward. I don't know.
I know I need to break this routine I have of going to bed early morning even when at school, doing the same dull things all day (nothing, my school is pretty terrible). I exercise as well as I know that helps, and I eat adequately. But in a terribly crappy place that I live in now, there's not much to do, not much to take up for hobbies… I want to become somebody despite my surroundings. I realise there's no point doing nothing, but I have no motivation or anything…
I don't know what to do, I have no enthusiasm for anything and don't enjoy anything. I read through all of these diagnosis' and normally see a lot of the symptoms apply to me. Obviously I can't have all of these mental issues… I just don't see an end to this. I don't feel sad, just numb, dumb and pretty much dead. I can't be bothered doing anything. I'm completely indifferent and quite apathetic towards everything. I realise it isn't the end of the world for someone who's just turned 16, but i've waited too long to leave this unsolved. I'm sick of it.
An obvious thing to do would to have a simple blood test but I have yet to have one. The last time I had one was when I was actually depressed and they returned normal. However, my mother doesn't pay attention and just shrugs all of these things off like it's nothing, which highly frustrates me, she doesn't give a fuck and has her own problems which aren't limited to being more brain dead than I. My depression definitely didn't stem from her.
I also often have trouble concentrating on something for a long time… Took me a while to write this. I will often become confused when I forget something as well. I lack a sense of who I am, i just feel detached.
Sorry half of this probably doesn't make sense and isn't relevant at all, and thanks to anyone who does read this, but what should I do to feel good again? I can't even remember the last time I did feel good…
A bit of background info:
About a year ago, I got major depression for no reason and was offered counselling. I refused it because I found the idea of it pretty useless. It got worse and worse, to the point I would just cry endlessly, could never be happy, couldn't force myself to smile. Throughout the months, I went through a few different stages - slightly depressed to major depression, to major mood swings to again slight depression. After about 5 months, the whole depression slowly subsided as I told myself there's no point in being depressed.
I started to go out again and socialise, even though I always quiet. I was mildly happy for a while, then got into the alcohol scene. As my tolerance to it grew, I found myself needing more and more. One week I ended up drinking a litre of vodka over a really short period of time, later throwing up blood. For months after, I felt generally felt drained and just plain empty. I felt like my mental capacity had shrunk considerably, and I could barely write/type, the words just wouldn't come to mind. My memory has got A LOT worse. As i'm typing this, i'm having trouble reiterating the outline of what happened. So I stopped drinking, in hope I would get better. And I have, but marginally. I still feel… slow. I felt like I was in some brain haze and do now to a bit of a lesser extent.
When I stopped drinking, I stopped going out again. Looking back, It was pretty pointless going out like that anyway, and it's sure as shit boring now. I don't go out now, as I feel i'm not missing out on anything, I just don't want to, I don't even do anything now. I distance myself considerably from people and I realise i'm not doing myself any favours. People think i'm generally stuck up and I kind of just find it funny.
Problem:
And now, I just feel void of all feeling. No emotion, I just feel empty, most all time. I feel like i'm on autopilot, like i'm destined to have some boring job that I don't like, or I will just fail, get bad grades that will land me a useless job and i'll completely be a nobody and lose all hope. I feel as if I have no control. I just feel lost, I will often forget why i'm doing things completely, my memory is terrible, and I haven't ever been quieter around people. I still smile and laugh but it doesn't feel normal, it just feels awkward. I don't know.
I know I need to break this routine I have of going to bed early morning even when at school, doing the same dull things all day (nothing, my school is pretty terrible). I exercise as well as I know that helps, and I eat adequately. But in a terribly crappy place that I live in now, there's not much to do, not much to take up for hobbies… I want to become somebody despite my surroundings. I realise there's no point doing nothing, but I have no motivation or anything…
I don't know what to do, I have no enthusiasm for anything and don't enjoy anything. I read through all of these diagnosis' and normally see a lot of the symptoms apply to me. Obviously I can't have all of these mental issues… I just don't see an end to this. I don't feel sad, just numb, dumb and pretty much dead. I can't be bothered doing anything. I'm completely indifferent and quite apathetic towards everything. I realise it isn't the end of the world for someone who's just turned 16, but i've waited too long to leave this unsolved. I'm sick of it.
An obvious thing to do would to have a simple blood test but I have yet to have one. The last time I had one was when I was actually depressed and they returned normal. However, my mother doesn't pay attention and just shrugs all of these things off like it's nothing, which highly frustrates me, she doesn't give a fuck and has her own problems which aren't limited to being more brain dead than I. My depression definitely didn't stem from her.
I also often have trouble concentrating on something for a long time… Took me a while to write this. I will often become confused when I forget something as well. I lack a sense of who I am, i just feel detached.
Sorry half of this probably doesn't make sense and isn't relevant at all, and thanks to anyone who does read this, but what should I do to feel good again? I can't even remember the last time I did feel good…