Can't I be happy without "friends"?

[neverbeenright]

I really need to know if I'm alone in this. I don't have friends, I don't want friends and get pissed off when someone suggests that I need to have them to be "happy".

So many people on here express that they really want friends but their social anxiety gets in the way. I can't relate to that. I have social phobia. I experience extreme discomfort and anxiety around strangers, and my only desire is to stay away from them. It annoys me and makes me extremely uncomfortable when friends of my husband come over. I avoid talking on the phone. When I'm out to the store or whatever, I avoid eye contact. Once I get to know people better, the anxiety lessens a bit, but I remain uncomfortable. Especially with women.

I am married so it's not like I'm totally alone. We have a friendly relationship. We sleep in separate rooms, though. I have an ADHD son who is in my face more often than not. That is MORE than enough personal contact for me. I do not want any more people in my life.

I have found that I kind of like communicating on forums and such, though, when I can find people that I relate to, because I feel so different from everyone else I see. On forums, I feel safe with the distance and lack of expectations. Not having to be near a person.

So I'm really wondering if anyone can relate? Has anyone out there found peace in their life without a bunch of friends? Forgive me, but I really do not want to hear about all the so-called wonders and benefits of human relationships, because I believe I have heard it all and none of it makes me feel any different.

[lunalady]

Well I have a lot less friends than I used to think I needed. It sounds to me like you're almost angry. Your post title is cant i be happy without friends? You are the only one who can answer that- if you are happy, that's your answer.

I happen to enjoy my solitude and too much socializing is not for me. I think the fact that you get pissed when it's suggested to you that you need friends is evidence that there is a bit of truth to it. If it weren't so, it probably wouldn't bother you.

If you didn't have social phobia, do you think you would want freinds?

[Zuena]

I don't have a social phobia or any of the symptoms you talk about - but I do not like people. I actually get along with others quite well, and can walk up to a complete stranger and start a conversation without an issue. I just prefer to be alone. I can spend all weekend by myself and not see a soul and be quite happy with it. I think we do need interaction but who said you need to be surrounded by people to be happy? My books keep me company, I love reading. I get irritated with people, especially when they drink and start saying and doing stupid things. When i do interact with others, it is my choice.

Z

[thecatsmeow]

i prefer to be alone as well. my husand and i sleep in seperate beds too, i prefer to sleep alone, just like i prefer to do everyone alone. at first he thought it was weird, he thought maybe something was wrong with "us", but once i explained to him i liked sleeping alone, and threw in some other stuff too. like, your a bed hog etc...he was ok with it. he gets upset with me because i never leave the house, never do anything with him. i havent worked all year due to anxiety, agoraphobia, etc... he doesnt get it, but i assume he is getting used to it since i have not heard to many complaints lately about me not making money etc...we do not even eat together, yet another thing i like to do alone. (and no i dont have an eating disorder) i have no problem keeping up with friends through email, texting, etc...but really have no desire to attend stupid baby showers, weddings, etc...id rather sit at home, watch tv, get online, and just TRY to relax, and most of all...be left alone.

[chen]

hello neverbeenright, i can rally understand how you feel and why.
i used to get that a lot from my family - criticizing my about my social life and the lack of friends at a period of solitude - your situation is better then mine since i didn't know that what was happening to me happened because of anxiety. I only learned about it later (long time after a long time of being alone), but when i learned about my problems, not so ling ago, and began to address them ( i am still in very primmer stages of it) i also started to encourage my self about my social situation, kind of calming my self that things would get better, and i have made some contact with old friends and manged go get our a little and this - more then every thing else - gives my confidence that i will get over my problems.

not that every thing is perfect.. of course not... but.. i think that every thing starts and ends with you!

just like lunalady said - it is up to you to decide what is the level of social comfort that is suitable for you.

in my case - whan i understood that i have anxiety and began doing something about it, even tough in tortoise steps - i found that i would love to have some more company.

i still have bad moods about it all from time to time but i believe (i hope with all muy heart) that with presavirance every thing will be ok, at the end...

i hope.

i hope that what i said helped you in a way.

chen.

[Robbed]

It sounds to me like you're almost angry. Your post title is cant i be happy without friends? You are the only one who can answer that- if you are happy, that's your answer.

It is hard to say whether this anger stems from loneliness or something else. Remember that, if you have few friends, you might question why this is so. You may look at yourself as somehow defective or undesirable because you have few or no friends. You may also feel strongly that you are missing out on something REALLY good by having few or no friends. And you might have to deal with flak from other people because you have few or no friends. But ultimately, none of these things means that you would truly be happier with more friends.

[LisaL80]

Since moving to the US in April 09, I have made two friends. I havent met either of them in person though they are lovely.
I have had some bad experiences with 'so called friends' so I choose who I let get close to me wisely, and if this means having nearly no friends....then so be it.
Do I have trust issues? Yes. Do I think people have ulterior motives? Yes. Do I worry that if I make friends they will do me over somehow? Yes.

I know its all in the makeup of the anxiety and things have happened to make me this way. Im fine with that though. I like my time to myself with no demands of anyone else.

xLx

[Dylan123]

I understand where you're coming from neverbeenright. If people have always been a source of anxiety for you it is easy to equate social relations to those feelings and become avoidant. Also, when people try to push their status quo on you by telling you what you should do it is bound to make you feel resentful and resistant. Maybe you just haven't found your social identity yet, and this is causing friction.

Your post gives me the impression you are worn down by your home situation. Perhaps you just need some quality down-time to recoop and regather. If you're running on an empty battery it makes sense you don't want to spend your free time feeling anxious because of social relations you may well have avoided. What about tackling your social anxiety and approaching the situation with fresh eyes when you feel better? I think it would be a big shame for you to just give up on friends.

[Nancy1234]

I dont have many friends either. I am married but I haradly see my husband because of his job. I kind of feel more comfortable with people I don;t know then you don't have to talk to them. I go to the grocery store at tunes when everyone else is at work and pray I dont run into someone i know. Anyway i can really relatae to what you have written.

[bigcat1967]

I'm married with an eight year old daughter. I don't have any friends at all - but that's because I have my time filled with work / part-time biz and being Mr. Family Guy. I guess my wife would be my only friend along with my dad...

[Robbed]

I've kind of gone back and forth on this whole friend thing over the last few months. And it's been kind of rough. About a month ago, I started to REALLY lose interest in friends. I just wouldn't even talk to the friends that I have. And when they would try to call me, I would NEVER return their calls. But the thing is, I just felt worse and worse about myself, and everyone around me. Ironically, it got bad to the point that I just WANTED to talk to my friends again. I also ended up joining a group for people with social anxiety. All in all, the pendulum has swung back in the direction of wanting friends again. And let me tell you, I feel ALOT better.

So here's how I see it. As someone else here said, if you are perfectly happy without friends, you probably wouldn't be asking whether it is possible to be happy without them. But if you have to ask, then you're probably not happy not having friends.

I also think that maybe it might just be a question of not meeting the RIGHT kinds of people. Some people here have spoken of being turned off when encountering drunken people acting like fools. Maybe these aren't the kinds of people you want to meet. At the same time, these same people say that they actually enjoy communicating with others by forums or email. This tells me that there is at least SOME desire at SOME level to have friends, Otherwise, you wouldn't even want this kind of interaction.This also tells me that there are at least SOME people out there you would probably like to meet. I'm going to go out on a limb, and theorize that you have probably been turned off by the whole idea of meeting people just because you happened to run into a whole bunch of bad apples in your life. But if you met the right people, you would probably LOVE having them as friends.