Hopeful2010
11-27-2010, 12:01 PM
If anyone reads this and can share any insight or shared experiences, great. If not, at least I can share how I'm feeling with the universe....
Last night at about 5:30am I decided that I am indeed an alcoholic. I actually feel a bit calm about it. Like, yes, finally THIS is the problem. Its causing the other problems and it started because of Social Anxiety. Now its made social anxiety worse, and I'm totally totally LOST.
For the past 7 months I've been feeling weird, depersonalized, creepy, basically like I'm on the verge of losing my mind. Like an acid flashback. I haven't done drugs since I was a teenager, I'm now 30, so its been freaking me out totally. I just couldn't figure out where it came from. Last fall I was diagnosed with ADD and took ritalin for 9 months, went off and eventually this 24/7 anxiety started. A couple panic attacks, which make the anxiety awful.
I've been taking low dose xanax as needed and its helped a lot but it makes me really sad. I also just started back on the Ritalin two days ago to see if going back might "undo" whatever I did to my brain by going off. I do actually feel calmer on the Ritalin when I don't take too much or have coffee, so I'm finding a little hope with that.
The main problem is that I quit smoking cigarettes 5 years ago and immediately started drinking. I realize now I was self medicating anxiety. But my GOD, I'd give anything to go back to being a smoker as STUPID as that sounds. I am starting to think my anxiety is a combination of alcohol withdrawl everyday and total dehydration from it and probably major lack of nutrients...(not to mention the fact that I had gastric bypass 10 years ago which probably also messes up my body)
I drink at least two drinks a day, and usually more. Most nights I typically drink a bottle of champagne.That or 4-5 beers. Or a few glasses of wine. The wine gets me very drunk so I try to avoid it.
I don't actually LIKE being drunk!!!! Does that mean I'm not an alcoholic? I just love the warm calming buzz from that one drink. The thought of giving it up is making me cry right now! I've already been through the HELL of quitting smoking. The absolute total devistating LOSS of losing something that you LOVE. I don't know how I can do it again.
I've never felt as happy since I quit smoking as when I smoked. I've felt like something is missing. Everything in life was better. And I'm terrified that I'll be a miserable shell of a person if I give up drinking too. But I can't stand this constant anxiety and if drinking is making it worse, I have figure something out.
I would give anything for this anxiety to go away. I just want to LIVE, and not THINK about this ALL THE TIME.
The biggest problem is I can't tell my psychiatrist about the alcohol because I'm sure she will cut off my xanax, and who knows, the ritalin too probably. But this anxiety is so bad, I feel like I might snap and go insane if I don't have any xanax. My previous psychiatrist who prescribed the ritalin knew that I drank "about two drinks a day" and as soon as I got the anxiety after stopping, she refused to give me any xanax. For two days I had intense anxiety, she wouldn't even return my call. Thank God my primary care doctor prescribed it to me but she doesn't know about the drinking either....
I just feel like everyone will say stop drinking, stop taking xanax, stop taking ritalin....all of these things are a way for me to TRY and fix this awful situation. And I know if I stop the anxiety will get worse. There is NO worse feeling than thinking you are losing your mind. I NEED MY BRAIN! Relaxation techniques seem like a joke to me. I feel like something is wrong ALL THE TIME. I fight with myself 24/7 to ignore it. The more "relaxed" I am, the more anxious I am. When I'm busy is when I think out it the least.....
My new psychiatrist prescribed Luvox, but I'm terrified of anti-depressants because I took them as a teenager, went off suddenly and screwed up my brain so much I thought I would never recover...eventually I was ok, but here I am crazy again.... :shock:
I've become a total hermit because of my social anxiety and blushing around men at work. I quit my job 5 years ago and I've worked from home ever since. I lost all my friends when I quit smoking and now I'm only comfortable around them when I'm drinking. Even my husband, we have so much more fun together when we drink. We laugh a lot, enjoy music, relax, talk. Sex is so much better. I'm just so much more comfortable in my own skin.
The final straw was Thanksgiving. I went to see my family and I was so uncomfortable I couldn't even sit down. Just fidgeting in a corner....so I went in the bathroom and chewed up a xanax and POOF, everything is fine again. I had fun, enjoyed my family, it was good. But it makes me sick to need a drug to enjoy people and life. It makes me so ashamed. I don't want to need anything to function, its why I stopped the ritalin in the first place.
I'm just so F*cked up, I don't know where to start fixing this. My therapist seems to be totally overwhelmed by my issues, and she doesn't even know the half of it yet. I'm starting to think of going to some kind of exorcist or reiki healing, or crystal therapy or something. I've even tried hypnosis for the drinking...obviously didn't work. I'm wondering if I should get an MRI or some other brain testing to see if I have a freakin tumor in there or what...but I have to pay a 2000 deductible for medical testing, bloodwork etc. I've tried Magnesium, B complex, D, Fish oil, liquid multi-vitamins...nothing has fixed it. I'm just lost...so many things, I don't know where to start. :(
Last night at about 5:30am I decided that I am indeed an alcoholic. I actually feel a bit calm about it. Like, yes, finally THIS is the problem. Its causing the other problems and it started because of Social Anxiety. Now its made social anxiety worse, and I'm totally totally LOST.
For the past 7 months I've been feeling weird, depersonalized, creepy, basically like I'm on the verge of losing my mind. Like an acid flashback. I haven't done drugs since I was a teenager, I'm now 30, so its been freaking me out totally. I just couldn't figure out where it came from. Last fall I was diagnosed with ADD and took ritalin for 9 months, went off and eventually this 24/7 anxiety started. A couple panic attacks, which make the anxiety awful.
I've been taking low dose xanax as needed and its helped a lot but it makes me really sad. I also just started back on the Ritalin two days ago to see if going back might "undo" whatever I did to my brain by going off. I do actually feel calmer on the Ritalin when I don't take too much or have coffee, so I'm finding a little hope with that.
The main problem is that I quit smoking cigarettes 5 years ago and immediately started drinking. I realize now I was self medicating anxiety. But my GOD, I'd give anything to go back to being a smoker as STUPID as that sounds. I am starting to think my anxiety is a combination of alcohol withdrawl everyday and total dehydration from it and probably major lack of nutrients...(not to mention the fact that I had gastric bypass 10 years ago which probably also messes up my body)
I drink at least two drinks a day, and usually more. Most nights I typically drink a bottle of champagne.That or 4-5 beers. Or a few glasses of wine. The wine gets me very drunk so I try to avoid it.
I don't actually LIKE being drunk!!!! Does that mean I'm not an alcoholic? I just love the warm calming buzz from that one drink. The thought of giving it up is making me cry right now! I've already been through the HELL of quitting smoking. The absolute total devistating LOSS of losing something that you LOVE. I don't know how I can do it again.
I've never felt as happy since I quit smoking as when I smoked. I've felt like something is missing. Everything in life was better. And I'm terrified that I'll be a miserable shell of a person if I give up drinking too. But I can't stand this constant anxiety and if drinking is making it worse, I have figure something out.
I would give anything for this anxiety to go away. I just want to LIVE, and not THINK about this ALL THE TIME.
The biggest problem is I can't tell my psychiatrist about the alcohol because I'm sure she will cut off my xanax, and who knows, the ritalin too probably. But this anxiety is so bad, I feel like I might snap and go insane if I don't have any xanax. My previous psychiatrist who prescribed the ritalin knew that I drank "about two drinks a day" and as soon as I got the anxiety after stopping, she refused to give me any xanax. For two days I had intense anxiety, she wouldn't even return my call. Thank God my primary care doctor prescribed it to me but she doesn't know about the drinking either....
I just feel like everyone will say stop drinking, stop taking xanax, stop taking ritalin....all of these things are a way for me to TRY and fix this awful situation. And I know if I stop the anxiety will get worse. There is NO worse feeling than thinking you are losing your mind. I NEED MY BRAIN! Relaxation techniques seem like a joke to me. I feel like something is wrong ALL THE TIME. I fight with myself 24/7 to ignore it. The more "relaxed" I am, the more anxious I am. When I'm busy is when I think out it the least.....
My new psychiatrist prescribed Luvox, but I'm terrified of anti-depressants because I took them as a teenager, went off suddenly and screwed up my brain so much I thought I would never recover...eventually I was ok, but here I am crazy again.... :shock:
I've become a total hermit because of my social anxiety and blushing around men at work. I quit my job 5 years ago and I've worked from home ever since. I lost all my friends when I quit smoking and now I'm only comfortable around them when I'm drinking. Even my husband, we have so much more fun together when we drink. We laugh a lot, enjoy music, relax, talk. Sex is so much better. I'm just so much more comfortable in my own skin.
The final straw was Thanksgiving. I went to see my family and I was so uncomfortable I couldn't even sit down. Just fidgeting in a corner....so I went in the bathroom and chewed up a xanax and POOF, everything is fine again. I had fun, enjoyed my family, it was good. But it makes me sick to need a drug to enjoy people and life. It makes me so ashamed. I don't want to need anything to function, its why I stopped the ritalin in the first place.
I'm just so F*cked up, I don't know where to start fixing this. My therapist seems to be totally overwhelmed by my issues, and she doesn't even know the half of it yet. I'm starting to think of going to some kind of exorcist or reiki healing, or crystal therapy or something. I've even tried hypnosis for the drinking...obviously didn't work. I'm wondering if I should get an MRI or some other brain testing to see if I have a freakin tumor in there or what...but I have to pay a 2000 deductible for medical testing, bloodwork etc. I've tried Magnesium, B complex, D, Fish oil, liquid multi-vitamins...nothing has fixed it. I'm just lost...so many things, I don't know where to start. :(