Dissident
11-21-2010, 05:22 PM
This who anxiety thing happened about 5 months ago. I have had depression for most of my life or at least throughout my teens. I was always very shy, with low self esteem. I was diagnosed with social phobia but it didnt seem like a big deal to me, and it was nothing compared to what I am going through now. I was taking anti depressants in my teens and life was good. I realized I was gay and accepted it, giving me some self esteem finally. After I graduated high school in 09, i pretty much didnt talk to anyone but 1 internet friend, and 1 RL friend whom I smoked marijuana with about once or twice a week. In retrospect I could see that every time I got high I got a little anxious, and depressed, when it started to wear off. I even had a panic attack once, but back then I just took it as being high, I gave it no thought. About this time I was on my journey to find lifes meaning. Is there a god? No there isnt? Maybe there is? Why are we here? I mostly just sat in my room and let the depression grow for about half a year. Then I started to think about death when visiting my dying great grandmother. I wasn't close to her, so I wasn't in a lot of pain, but I was just dwelling on death I suppose. I went and smoked some strong stuff the very next day, and had a panic attack from hell. I almost passed out, my vision went almost white and I walked straight into a wall and fell over. I just sat with my friend for the next couple of hours, telling myself, my name is Mark so and so I live at <address> in FL. I felt like I didn't understand what was going on or who I was. So I have been trying to get help these past couple of months. It's so hard to leave my house. It is like I am scared of life, of existing. I start thinking about life and evolution and I get these urges like I want to die. Like that is the only escape from the fear. I even fear an afterlife sometimes. I got evaluated and the guy told me I had a serotonin deficiency because the zoloft helped in the past, and then i got off of it and slipped back into it, this time even worse. Depression alone was a cake walk for me compared to this, that was enjoying life compared to this hellish alternate reality. I always feel sorta high, like I am not really here. I was an atheist and I am now agnostic since this has happened. I'm scared all the time. I just want it to go away. I am 20 and I need to get my life started. I want to get back to enjoying it. Life just isnt the same anymore, I feel like a different person, I experience everything so differently, its disturbing.