Hi everyone im new !

[Myheartisinohio16]

Mental illness runs in my family a little bit, my mom has borderline personality disorder \ major depression. I'm 23 when i was a kid my mother was always in and out of hospitals for years and she's still at it now. I bounced from my grandmas house to my aunts. I had bad experiences when i was younger besides the obvious, one time my mom locked me in her bedroom in the dark because i couldnt tie my shoes or count to 100. My mom would also scare me in the car by driving fast . When i look back on it i was very sensistive, paranoid, social phobic in so many ways. I used too bite my nails till they would bleed. I had a stuttering problem , i was held back in 1st grade. It was later figured out that i had learning disabilities. I dreaded and i mean dread getting called on during the class to answer a question, id spend the whole class and day worrying about that alone. My face would get warm my stomach felt jittery. I wouldnt be able to talk, think, remember, know anything pretty much. I was just frozen. As the years went by i got worse and worse. I had to go to truancy court in 8th grade i missed like 80 some odd days. The judge was harsh on me, he was asking me questions, i couldnt open my mouth i started crying and couldnt stop, i told him i had bad anxiety but obviously he didnt care . it was beyond horrible honestly i could not get a word from my mouth. He got upset because i wasnt answering him but he didnt care or realize that i physically couldnt. My mom forced me to play soccer and middle school football ...sigh lets just say they didnt work out AT ALL . i got made fun of all the time , i had no idea what i was supossed to do. Even the coaches would say mean things to me and i was like 8 or something. Ofcourse my mom also belitted me, said i looked stupid out there on the field and so on. Math was and is my worse subject adding, subtracting , counting change. Yes i said counting change, id give cashiers the wrong amount at our local gas station and get called stupid. I was always tired in school , disintrested and flusterd. I would get in alot of trouble all throughout school. In 2001 i was diagnosed with panic disorder then later generalized anxiety disorder, social phobia. I missed a ton of days in highschool also i barely graduated and i mean ....barely it came down to like 3 days before graduation . I didnt walk at my graduation because i was nervous i couldnt think , i thought i wouldnt understand where and what i was supossed to do. I would pretend to be sick and have to go to the doctor and beg for doctors notes. They caught on to that fast, eventually the school called the doctor telling them i was changing the dates on the slips. My dad has never been in my life ive never even seen him. His mom told me he acted alot like me with my anxiety and phobias. After i was done with school i thought i would get better but i only got worse . I woke up in the middle of the night in a full blown panic attack litterally with every single symptom needless to say i was more than terrified . I could hardly walk , see, i was dizzy, lightheaded, i laid back down telling myself i wasnt gonna live through the night. Morning came when i woke up i felt even worse then the night before . This time my heart was pounding i was hyperveinilating i called 911 and went to the hospital. After that i was having multiple attacks daily and going to the hospital for months on end. Ekgs, took my blood, chest x rays they found nothing wrong. Ive never been the same since my daily anxiety symptoms have sky rocketed . I have panic attack symptoms atleast a few times a week. My blood pressure is really high now and it never used to be. my doctor wanted to put me on blood pressure pills because everytime i seen her it was high. Ive had 6 jobs my whole life, ive never worked anywhere 5 months straight. A couple places i stayed a hour or so then ran to my car and left. Last time i worked was nov 2008 i got fired for missing days not doing the job well. I twitch, shake, tremble, sudden goose bumps, i dont have a car i cant stand waiting in lines people looking at me . Days, hours, weeks, before i have to go somwhere im very anxious about it i cant sleep at night my mind goes blank. I dont like authority figures. I take prozac 60mg a day buspar 10mg 4x a day klonopin .05 twice a day. I live in a h.u.d. Disability apt i dont pay rent. I only get food stamps. I applied for ssi i got denied so now im waiting to go to a hearing, i have a lawyer.


I'm in ohio