relationship anxiety

[cherryblossomer]

My question is about relationship anxiety. Im in a relationship with a great guy but my anxiety is starting to really make things hard on me. Im constantly worrying and over analyzing things and coming up with irrational thoughts that just wont go away. Truth is I know I love him, just one day on the way home I had the thought “What if I don’t love him?”, and its spiraled from there. Im sure a lot of you know how irrational thoughts can really get out of control. I need help. Im in therapy but I don’t want to lose this relationship over my anxiety. Ive had this relationship ocd before which is why this is so frustrating. I know that ive got to get a grip on this now because whether its this relationship or another one I know that im gonna do this no matter what. I really don’t want to lose him just because of my anxiety. He really is great, I love him, he makes me happy and we have a healthy relationship, why cant I just let things be okay and not be constantly worrying about something so stupid?

[gaara]

My question is about relationship anxiety. Im in a relationship with a great guy but my anxiety is starting to really make things hard on me. Im constantly worrying and over analyzing things and coming up with irrational thoughts that just wont go away. Truth is I know I love him, just one day on the way home I had the thought “What if I don’t love him?”, and its spiraled from there. Im sure a lot of you know how irrational thoughts can really get out of control. I need help. Im in therapy but I don’t want to lose this relationship over my anxiety. Ive had this relationship ocd before which is why this is so frustrating. I know that ive got to get a grip on this now because whether its this relationship or another one I know that im gonna do this no matter what. I really don’t want to lose him just because of my anxiety. He really is great, I love him, he makes me happy and we have a healthy relationship, why cant I just let things be okay and not be constantly worrying about something so stupid?

This is PRECISELY what i'm going through.

I can't afford therapy so I'm trying to find ways of coping on my own..what is your therapist saying?

[cherryblossomer]

My therapist is working on CBT with me. She was telling me that after you think a certain way for so long you build a pathway; a new neurotransmitter I think she called it and by thinking about it for so long and obsessing about It you are fueling that thought. It can really get to the point where you believe whatever you have been obsessing about just out of exhaustion (mentally). She wants me to be challenging the thoughts when I get them, the thing I have trouble with is that I get so upset when I get them because I don’t want to feel this way and I don’t want to be constantly worrying about if I love my boyfriend, when I know deep down that I do. And just the single fact of I don’t want to lose him because being with him really does make me happy is really good proof. Another thing my therapist does is just quiz me almost. She will just ask me questions and almost pulls examples out of me that show that I love him. Not giving me examples of her own, but showing me examples that I have said myself. Another thing she asks me is if anything has changed or if he’s doing anything different, and he’s not, so it doesn’t make sense that I would be completely in love and happy and all of that and then I have one thought on the way home from work one day and it all changes. The only reason that it gets so hard and becomes so hard to deal with is because I let it be that way. I obsess about it so much that I get to the point where I think that my irrational thought MUST be the case solely because I think about it all the time. I also get to the point where I wont be worrying and then I start to get worried that im not worrying because that means that I don’t care. Which is stupid. My boyfriend says I should be happy if im not worrying but I just end up more upset because I think that me not worrying is a sign I don’t love him. Its really a vicious cycle and so exhausting. But I want to figure it out and be happy with my boyfriend because I know even in all this mess I love him, even when my anxiety tries to convince me otherwise. Does anyone else have any advice on this subject though that might be helpful as well? I know that relationship anxiety is really just like any other type of anxiety but it’s a really upsetting subject for my anxiety to be about!

[gaara]

My therapist is working on CBT with me. She was telling me that after you think a certain way for so long you build a pathway; a new neurotransmitter I think she called it and by thinking about it for so long and obsessing about It you are fueling that thought. It can really get to the point where you believe whatever you have been obsessing about just out of exhaustion (mentally). She wants me to be challenging the thoughts when I get them, the thing I have trouble with is that I get so upset when I get them because I don’t want to feel this way and I don’t want to be constantly worrying about if I love my boyfriend, when I know deep down that I do. And just the single fact of I don’t want to lose him because being with him really does make me happy is really good proof. Another thing my therapist does is just quiz me almost. She will just ask me questions and almost pulls examples out of me that show that I love him. Not giving me examples of her own, but showing me examples that I have said myself. Another thing she asks me is if anything has changed or if he’s doing anything different, and he’s not, so it doesn’t make sense that I would be completely in love and happy and all of that and then I have one thought on the way home from work one day and it all changes. The only reason that it gets so hard and becomes so hard to deal with is because I let it be that way. I obsess about it so much that I get to the point where I think that my irrational thought MUST be the case solely because I think about it all the time. I also get to the point where I wont be worrying and then I start to get worried that im not worrying because that means that I don’t care. Which is stupid. My boyfriend says I should be happy if im not worrying but I just end up more upset because I think that me not worrying is a sign I don’t love him. Its really a vicious cycle and so exhausting. But I want to figure it out and be happy with my boyfriend because I know even in all this mess I love him, even when my anxiety tries to convince me otherwise. Does anyone else have any advice on this subject though that might be helpful as well? I know that relationship anxiety is really just like any other type of anxiety but it’s a really upsetting subject for my anxiety to be about!

I have experienced and am experiencing word for word the exact same scenario.

It happened to me last summer and I ended up breaking up with my girlfriend because I convinced myself I felt differently for her and after a month I started to miss her like crazy and thankfully she took me back.

It happened end of july last year and literally 1 year later we got into a fight a few days before our breakup anniversary and then it like shot me back into last year and since then, I started to relive the whole turmoil again.

It's starting to take it's toll on me now, I'm constantly anxious that I'm going to snap and break up wtih her again when I really don't want to because I know the same thing will happen after time apart from her.

Is your therapist helping you at all?

I'm trying to maybe contact a therapist but I have no funds for that and I'm wondering if it's expensive?

I've been through all this before but it's hard to clear your mind of you irrational thoughts when they're so alarming.

[cherryblossomer]

I really do understand what your going through. This isn’t the first relationship I have done this with either. I had this problem in my last serious relationship which is also a sign to me that really this cant be how I feel. I just really think unfortunately my anxiety revolves around my relationships and I am going to question things with anybody, so somehow ive just got to learn a way to deal with this. I am constantly panicking if I haven’t thought about him for like half an hour, or if I want a night to myself, or this or that. I always am coming up with ridiculous assumptions just because of something so small and that a normal person would think and just blow over. You don’t have to think about a person every second of the day or be with them every second of the day to know you love them. But I know EXACTLY what you mean about how hard it is to clear your mind, even when you have been through this before. That’s what I would love obviously. To clear my mind of this and just be happy and in love with my boyfriend like I was before this random thought one afternoon popped up.

[gaara]

I really do understand what your going through. This isn’t the first relationship I have done this with either. I had this problem in my last serious relationship which is also a sign to me that really this cant be how I feel. I just really think unfortunately my anxiety revolves around my relationships and I am going to question things with anybody, so somehow ive just got to learn a way to deal with this. I am constantly panicking if I haven’t thought about him for like half an hour, or if I want a night to myself, or this or that. I always am coming up with ridiculous assumptions just because of something so small and that a normal person would think and just blow over. You don’t have to think about a person every second of the day or be with them every second of the day to know you love them. But I know EXACTLY what you mean about how hard it is to clear your mind, even when you have been through this before. That’s what I would love obviously. To clear my mind of this and just be happy and in love with my boyfriend like I was before this random thought one afternoon popped up.

Amen.

I tried to deal with it on my own last summer but collapsed after 2 months and broke up with her :(

This time I'm fighting it with everything I've got and some days it's really good and other days it's really bad.

I seriously thought I beat it when I was anxiety free from the 20th of october to the 29th but then on the 29th she did something to annoy me (something normal people would brush off in an instant) then my anxiety crept in and then it exploded.

Since friday I've been an emotional wreck and it's VERY tough to hide. Not only is it affecting my relationship but it effects every other part of my life. I can't have fun anymore to the same degree that I used to with even my friends and family.

How are you with your boyfriend? Do you have anxiety when you're around him?


I can't tell my gf what I'm going through because it will just make things awkward and worse for both of us.


Are your sessions with your therapist helping at all or do they only help for a little bit? Does your boyfriend attend these sessions as well?

[Klyn]

I replied to your post in the other topic but I will reply here too.

I get the worst relationship anxiety. And it's true what your therapist is saying. Once you start having irrational thoughts in your relationship, you do build a pathway.
You need to be careful though, because your irrational thoughts can take a GIANT toll on your relationship.
With me, I'd think of something totally irrational, and I'd speak on it. He in return would get frustrated as he was doing nothing wrong, and then we'd end up arguing about it.
Thoughts such as "what if he doesn't love me" or "what if he's really not sleeping and he's with someone else" would frequent my mind all the time.
It wasn't even a trust issue, it was all from insecurity which made my anxiety go through the roof.

Now, I do my best to not even think about these things. Sometimes they creep into my head but I think about what I want and the only way I will get it is if I stop thinking like this.


Everybody has their own insecurities and anxieties, but when they get leaked into the relationship, it is a recipe for destruction. So just try to control your thoughts. They're only thoughts! That's all! And thoughts can be changed

;)

[gaara]

I replied to your post in the other topic but I will reply here too.

I get the worst relationship anxiety. And it's true what your therapist is saying. Once you start having irrational thoughts in your relationship, you do build a pathway.
You need to be careful though, because your irrational thoughts can take a GIANT toll on your relationship.
With me, I'd think of something totally irrational, and I'd speak on it. He in return would get frustrated as he was doing nothing wrong, and then we'd end up arguing about it.
Thoughts such as "what if he doesn't love me" or "what if he's really not sleeping and he's with someone else" would frequent my mind all the time.
It wasn't even a trust issue, it was all from insecurity which made my anxiety go through the roof.

Now, I do my best to not even think about these things. Sometimes they creep into my head but I think about what I want and the only way I will get it is if I stop thinking like this.


Everybody has their own insecurities and anxieties, but when they get leaked into the relationship, it is a recipe for destruction. So just try to control your thoughts. They're only thoughts! That's all! And thoughts can be changed

;)

Well if it was easy to control one's thoughts then this site wouldn't exist haha :D

[Klyn]

I replied to your post in the other topic but I will reply here too.

I get the worst relationship anxiety. And it's true what your therapist is saying. Once you start having irrational thoughts in your relationship, you do build a pathway.
You need to be careful though, because your irrational thoughts can take a GIANT toll on your relationship.
With me, I'd think of something totally irrational, and I'd speak on it. He in return would get frustrated as he was doing nothing wrong, and then we'd end up arguing about it.
Thoughts such as "what if he doesn't love me" or "what if he's really not sleeping and he's with someone else" would frequent my mind all the time.
It wasn't even a trust issue, it was all from insecurity which made my anxiety go through the roof.

Now, I do my best to not even think about these things. Sometimes they creep into my head but I think about what I want and the only way I will get it is if I stop thinking like this.


Everybody has their own insecurities and anxieties, but when they get leaked into the relationship, it is a recipe for destruction. So just try to control your thoughts. They're only thoughts! That's all! And thoughts can be changed

;)

Well if it was easy to control one's thoughts then this site wouldn't exist haha :D


haha well obviously :D
it takes a lot of effort. But the more positive you become, the easier it will be. When you dwell on a thought and think negatively about it, it will never leave you.

[gaara]

I replied to your post in the other topic but I will reply here too.

I get the worst relationship anxiety. And it's true what your therapist is saying. Once you start having irrational thoughts in your relationship, you do build a pathway.
You need to be careful though, because your irrational thoughts can take a GIANT toll on your relationship.
With me, I'd think of something totally irrational, and I'd speak on it. He in return would get frustrated as he was doing nothing wrong, and then we'd end up arguing about it.
Thoughts such as "what if he doesn't love me" or "what if he's really not sleeping and he's with someone else" would frequent my mind all the time.
It wasn't even a trust issue, it was all from insecurity which made my anxiety go through the roof.

Now, I do my best to not even think about these things. Sometimes they creep into my head but I think about what I want and the only way I will get it is if I stop thinking like this.


Everybody has their own insecurities and anxieties, but when they get leaked into the relationship, it is a recipe for destruction. So just try to control your thoughts. They're only thoughts! That's all! And thoughts can be changed

;)

Well if it was easy to control one's thoughts then this site wouldn't exist haha :D


haha well obviously :D
it takes a lot of effort. But the more positive you become, the easier it will be. When you dwell on a thought and think negatively about it, it will never leave you.

I definitely agree.

My problem is that the physical aspect of anxiety is constantly there. It becomes very hard not to think about it when it's been there for a long time and then suddenly when you feel "calm" you're not really calm because you're anticipating the negative thoughts/physical feelings of it.

It's ongoing and I have NO idea how to stop.

[Klyn]

So when you're feeling calm and not anxious, you wonder why you aren't feeling anxious. Then THAT triggers the anxiety. I get that way sometimes too.

[gaara]

So when you're feeling calm and not anxious, you wonder why you aren't feeling anxious. Then THAT triggers the anxiety. I get that way sometimes too.

currently feel calm again...now question is how do I retain this calmness and if something bad happens or i have a bad day how do i prevent it from going into a full out anxiety/depression phase again...hmm

[forwells]

Howdy all

i will try and give some advice here and let me know what you think .

Ok first this is nothing to do with your partners and is in fact just anxiety feeding you junk .

I also had these thoughts towards my wife and was at one stage convinced that she was cheating on me . Now this is just pain silly as it is not my wife's nature and we have also been happily married for 13 years yesterday . Again this is only anxiety talking and you have to let it go and let it fade away .

If you have a problem which both of you haven't really said and both in fact have said how happy you are . Then you need to brake down what it is that is worrying you and as cherryblossomer therapist is trying to teach you is that these thoughts become stuck and you need to to address them and fix or dismiss then instead of dwelling on them .

You are choosing to hold onto these thoughts for one reason or another and i guess that there could be something a bit deeper such as not wanting to be alone .

My wife years ago was moody and had these sort of thoughts . One day i asked her what the problem was and she said something along the line of she wasn't good enough for me and she was scared that i would leave . Well i told her that if i didn't want to be there i wouldn't be and that i was choosing to be there . This addressed her problem and it was never spoken of again . Do you see that all the question that you are asking yourself such as what if he doesn't love me" or "what if he's really not sleeping and he's with someone else" are just question and thoughts that you need to ask him or her about instead of going over and over again in your head . Therefore giving yourself more anxiety .

Gaga

I can't tell my gf what I'm going through because it will just make things awkward and worse for both of us.

Why not ?? Are they not awkward for you now?? I will give you a tip and this is something that i think is the bases to any good relationship and that is communication . You need to talk to her about this and explain what you are feeling . I am not sure what you have built yourself into believing she is going to do but i bet that she will just talk about it with you and then you can both start to address the problems if there is any. A problem shared is a problem halved .

This time I'm fighting it with everything I've got and some days it's really good and other days it's really bad.

You need to stop fighting it and address it . Once it is address and put to bed then it will no longer worry you as much .

Look the thoughts you are having are normal thoughts and thoughts everyone has but because of your anxiety they are getting blown out of proportions . Everyone questions with the person they are with loves them , weather they wish to spend their life with them.

currently feel calm again...now question is how do I retain this calmness and if something bad happens or i have a bad day how do i prevent it from going into a full out anxiety/depression phase again...hmm

Anxiety takes along time to recovery from but you do recovery . If you are having good days then you are doing a good job but you have to expect bad days also . Anxiety has its bases in stress and as you recover you will have good days and then you may have a stressful day which will increase the symptoms but this is where it is up to you to see it as that and not feed it with thoughts such as its never going away , its coming back etc . You just relax , take it easy until your system settles again and then you can go on your merry way to recovery again .

The more you recover the less this that will stress you and when they do they will stress you for less and less time .

cheers kev :D

[cherryblossomer]

Thanks! I realize that this has nothing to do with my partner and is indeed just my anxiety feeding me random stuff that i obsess over, the thing that always scares me are what ifs. what if i really dont love him?? but really, when i look at it logically that makes absolutely no sense, so then why do i let my anxiety take me over? anxiety is so confusing and frustrating..

[JerJer]

When push comes to shove, you're afraid of love.

It's scary to be right at that edge of falling in love with someone. It feels like you are losing your sense of self. You are letting someone into your space, and it probably brings up emotional memories in you when someone you let in hurt you so you are trying to protect yourself.

I say Fuck it! Fall in love! Go for it!

[gaara]

Thanks! I realize that this has nothing to do with my partner and is indeed just my anxiety feeding me random stuff that i obsess over, the thing that always scares me are what ifs. what if i really dont love him?? but really, when i look at it logically that makes absolutely no sense, so then why do i let my anxiety take me over? anxiety is so confusing and frustrating..

When you're with your boyfriend, how is your anxiety?


My problem last year with my gf was that I had the case of the classic "cold feet". I've never been in a serious relationship before and when things were finally titled "I now have a girlfriend" I panicked. I started questioning myself whether I actually loved her. I started asking "ok..what now?" It consumed me until the point where I convinced myself I'm better off alone.

Which was the case for only a few weeks until I started missing her like crazy and regretted ever breaking up with her.

The exact 1 year anniversary since my first anxiety attack about that, it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I started getting extremely scared that "OMG it's been 1 year since this happened, what if it happens again, oh shit it's happening WTF IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN WHAT DO I DO NOW??" and it seriously just spiralled from there.

The reason why I won't tell her what I'm going through again is because it worsened the situation last year. Even though I know that it's just my anxiety it will just make things a lot worse for our relationship because then I'd KNOW she'd be walking on eggshells around me fearing that I'd break her heart again and then I wouldn't be able to handle the way I'm making her feel which with this anxiety would send me over the top until I'd break it off with her because it'd be too much to handle.

I need to confront this with either myself and/or a 3rd party (this forum, therapist) not my girlfriend.

I'm doing a lot better this morning and I know things won't be an easy or quick fix but I'm ok with that.

cherryblossoms..if you don't mind me asking, does your boyfriend accompany you on your sessions?

[Klyn]

So when you're feeling calm and not anxious, you wonder why you aren't feeling anxious. Then THAT triggers the anxiety. I get that way sometimes too.

currently feel calm again...now question is how do I retain this calmness and if something bad happens or i have a bad day how do i prevent it from going into a full out anxiety/depression phase again...hmm

It takes a lot of practice.
You just have to keep going with your daily routine and find distractions to keep you from thinking thoughts that trigger your anxiety... nobody is 100 percent perfect at it.. for me, when I'm feeling anxious I do my best to distract myself, maybe play a game on my phone or call a friend. It's all how you look at it. Take it a day at a time.

[othergirl21]

I came across this thread when I was searching the net for some answers and I was hoping that ye could help me and I really would like to know how it worked out for ye?
You see my fiance, 6 weeks ago woke up one morning and had severe anxiety about whether he loved me or whether he loved me enough to marry me. We were to get married next month but as a result of this nightmare we felt it better to postpone the wedding. It all started with a throw away comment that someone said to him, a friend talked about his wife and how he loved her and then he asked my fiance did he love me and he hesitated ....and boom the seed was planted and he cant shake off these waves of anxiety. It got so bad that he was crying and inconsolable I had to bring him to the doctor who wasnt very helpful (he told him to go on holidays), he equalled the feelings he was having to extreme grief. He was consumed by it. We spent some time apart and this did not seem to help. He says that he weighs up all the reasons in his head of why he loves me and these doubts dont make sense to him, he says to himself "I would not do this or I would do that if I didnt love her" He started to see a counciller who is helping him with things in his past and that is helping somewhat. he has other issues, he attends GA meetings and he talks when he is in those about this anxiety. It is so difficult for me when I am with him I can see and I can sense when this wave comes over him its like the air turns black around him. He knows that he loves me but he cannot stop these anxiety attacks and I cannot stop myself feeling so rejected and sometimes so lonely when I am with him. Some days I think that it would be better to let him go,
Can someone tell me that this gets better and it goes away, do you think CBT would be helpful to him.
Ps I am new to this, I have never posted anything on a forum before so apologies if it takes me a while to get the hang of it