Vibrations
10-16-2010, 10:12 AM
Not totally sure how to start this out. I think I just had a realization yesterday after talking to a friend who has had similar experiences to me.
I think when I was younger, about 8-11, I had some serious anxiety. I remember being constantly worried that my family was going to die. I would go everywhere with my parents, because I was afraid that they would leave and never come back. If they were late for anything, I would freak out thinking they were dead (car accident, random shooting or something, I lived near Detroit so it wasn't such an odd thought). So morbid, I know, but it was the scariest time of my life. I had plenty of panic attacks and that weird feeling and not knowing how to explain it. I eventually got over it because my parents got cell phones. If they were late for something, I could just call and make sure everything was good. I was perfectly fine until a few months ago.
I'm now just about 19, in my second year of college. I'm 600 miles from my family now. Last year wasn't a problem at all. Unfortunately for me I got a little bit hooked on weed this past summer, and by a little hooked I was high like all day every day. But it was summer and it was fun and careless. At the very end of the summer I had a panic attack while high. I suddenly realized I was getting older, thus my family is getting older, and so they could die soon. I started worrying about my parents health and all this crap that I can't control. My parents are currently 45 and 46, so not even old. But I still can't seem to stop worrying about it. It also doesn't help that my brother, who is autistic, is about to turn 18. My parents are in the process of updating their will and if they die I'll become my brothers guardian. If I'm not my brothers guardian he'll become a ward of the state. Not what I want. I think most of my problem is that I'm having a hard time adjusting to my new role in life. I'm starting to feel the burn of being an adult. I live on my own with my boyfriend full time now, I'm responsible for my life, my well being, my finances, everything. I just feel myself constantly wanting to back peddle. I don't feel like I'm ready for the adult role, and the thought of having another person depend on me is terrifying. I can hardly keep my own life in check.
As well as having the fear of my family dying, I'm beginning to worry about my own well being. I can't seem to handle the thought of myself dying, either. It absolutely freaks me out.
I have since stopped smoking weed, I'm trying to better myself. I'm trying to fix this whole anxiety problem, it's ruining my life. I just don't know how to make it stop! I haven't put much thought into being on medication. I guess what I'm looking for is support, advice, anything that could potentially help. I hate this feeling of having no control.
Also, am I the only one who has this odd fear of death? I feel like I'm so alone and weird. When I try to talk to people about this they just don't understand what I'm going through.
I think when I was younger, about 8-11, I had some serious anxiety. I remember being constantly worried that my family was going to die. I would go everywhere with my parents, because I was afraid that they would leave and never come back. If they were late for anything, I would freak out thinking they were dead (car accident, random shooting or something, I lived near Detroit so it wasn't such an odd thought). So morbid, I know, but it was the scariest time of my life. I had plenty of panic attacks and that weird feeling and not knowing how to explain it. I eventually got over it because my parents got cell phones. If they were late for something, I could just call and make sure everything was good. I was perfectly fine until a few months ago.
I'm now just about 19, in my second year of college. I'm 600 miles from my family now. Last year wasn't a problem at all. Unfortunately for me I got a little bit hooked on weed this past summer, and by a little hooked I was high like all day every day. But it was summer and it was fun and careless. At the very end of the summer I had a panic attack while high. I suddenly realized I was getting older, thus my family is getting older, and so they could die soon. I started worrying about my parents health and all this crap that I can't control. My parents are currently 45 and 46, so not even old. But I still can't seem to stop worrying about it. It also doesn't help that my brother, who is autistic, is about to turn 18. My parents are in the process of updating their will and if they die I'll become my brothers guardian. If I'm not my brothers guardian he'll become a ward of the state. Not what I want. I think most of my problem is that I'm having a hard time adjusting to my new role in life. I'm starting to feel the burn of being an adult. I live on my own with my boyfriend full time now, I'm responsible for my life, my well being, my finances, everything. I just feel myself constantly wanting to back peddle. I don't feel like I'm ready for the adult role, and the thought of having another person depend on me is terrifying. I can hardly keep my own life in check.
As well as having the fear of my family dying, I'm beginning to worry about my own well being. I can't seem to handle the thought of myself dying, either. It absolutely freaks me out.
I have since stopped smoking weed, I'm trying to better myself. I'm trying to fix this whole anxiety problem, it's ruining my life. I just don't know how to make it stop! I haven't put much thought into being on medication. I guess what I'm looking for is support, advice, anything that could potentially help. I hate this feeling of having no control.
Also, am I the only one who has this odd fear of death? I feel like I'm so alone and weird. When I try to talk to people about this they just don't understand what I'm going through.