Hi there, new here.

[Zuena]

Hi there,

6 Months ago, I made a decision that I knew very well would change my life as I knew it. And it did. I lost my home, my marriage and had to return to the country of my birth. I returned with no money, nowhere to go (literally) and no job. For the first time in my life, I started experiencing severe anxiety and daily panic attacks. After a few months, the panic attacks started disappearing, as things started falling into place in my life. I eventually only experienced mild anxiety when I found myself in a new environment or situation.

However, in September I moved house 3 times, my divorce became final and I started a new job. And the anxiety is back. My anxiety levels are completely out of control. Thankfully I have no panic attacks (unless I don't know the difference.) Today was especially bad. I am scared of EVERYTHING, I am hyper alert all the time and it's as if I am just waiting for the worst to happen.

Because I have been through this before, I don't have the usual "I'm having a heart attack" kind of fears. I am just totally scared that I will lose control. Being in a new job makes it worse as I can not afford to lose my income. I finally went to see a doctor today and she wants me to start taking Urbanol and Cilift. Problem is, I am anxious about taking tablets. I am scared I might get addicted / the meds might make me lose control / etc. I don't even take pain killers unless I feel like I am dying of pain, because I'm scared of feeling giddy and out of control. I also stay away from alcohol, I refuse to even take a sip because of the effects.

I had a good crying session earlier and I actually feel better - until tomorrow morning, when I kow it will take over again.

Does anyone have any advice? About how to handle this, and about the medication? Just the warning that Cilift is addictive has already got me in a frenzy and I haven't even bought it yet.

Any advice will be appreciated.

Z

[kathique]

Hi z

I'm not sure if this is any comfort to you, but I have been where you are in terms of my anxiety. In fact I've read so many similar stories.

I had a panic disorder as a teenager, however my anxiety returned 10 years later as generalised anxiety disorder.
I have felt scared of everything, especially going crazy and losing control. If you look and think hard enough, I'm sure you will find some underlying fears there. For example, I have monophobia, a fear of being alone. My core belief is that I'm not strong enough to cope with life, which is why I avoid life really. In case I encounter a situation I can't control that tips me over the edge. What has helped me to recover is a good psychologist and believing that I can get better. I reluctantly took medication, however I don't feel it helped. I'm now coming off it and feeling much better. I can't tell you not to take the medication, but I think doctors hand out tablets like they are lollies and as anxiety sufferers we are desperate for respite and often feel it's our only life line. It's not. Some people do feel better for taking meds but I'm not one of them. Also, considering your current level of fear over taking the meds, it may not be worth it - just a thought.

I've found this website to be tremendous support. There are so many anxiety suffered out there willing to share stories and advice. So welcome :)

[kathique]

Oh and remember to be kind and gentle to yourself. You're feeling pretty low from what I can gather, but now that you're seeking help the only way is up. You can get through this. You'll soon start having good days, and build yourself back up in no time. Until then we're all here for you :)

[Zuena]

Thank you. :-)

I know that things will pick up, that this is a temporary setback because of all the recent changes. I think what is making the anxiety really bad now is that the moment I feel anxious, my mind automatically connects the feeling with a time (six months ago) that I really suffered with this, and I just become so scared of returning to that state of mind. I do believe I am strong enough to cope with life. I am 39 but I have been on my own, working and taking care of myself since the age of 17. I have been trough some hard times, times 10x worse that the last 6 months, and I have never suffered one moment of this kind of anxiety. What I have realised is that sitting around doing nothing is no good, I have to find something to do, something I can focus on and to keep me busy.

I must admit I am very reluctant to take the meds. Even in calm moments (like right now) I have my doubts about taking anti depressants and Urbanol. I had a few Urbanol tablets lying around and after my first post I took one because I just felt so incredibly anxious - it has had no side effect and it didn't make me feel wonky but still. I prefer to pop something now and then when things get really bad, otherwise I would rather try and work through this.

As much as I felt back then that I would NEVER feel normal again, I KNOW right now that I will. That it will be fine - I got through it intact the first time, I will again. It's just hard to believe when you are in that moment.

Thanks for the advice.

Z