scared to sleep and a mess

[Butterflycity]

Having finally found a place on the internet where people might not say things like "get over yourself" or "I recommend hash", I feel safe to share my craziness at last

I feel like a weirdo and a baby but here is my story

Throughout my life I've had issues with sleep. As a child I felt that sleep was total aloness, a time when the lights went out and everything stopped and you were left totally alone. I'd look out my flat window and see the blinking red light of a car alarm and be comforted, it was a part of the world still moving, the world hadn't stopped. I had an overactive mind and couldnt get to sleep. I hated the dark. I wasn't scared to sleep but I hated going to bed.

As I got older throughout high school there'd be times when I'd panic. "If I'm not asleep by 11 the hall landing light will be turned off and I'll be alone in the dark when my mum goes to bed" I'd think. I'd try forcing myself to sleep, and then I'd fear the inevitability of sleep. "I must go to sleep tonight and I must switch off I have no choice". Otherwise I'll be ill the next day, my health will suffer, I'll go mad. Sleep must happen, unconsciousness must happen, and then I'd feel afraid. I'd always end up drifting off though, and not want to get up the next morning. Sometimes this fear went away. I might take a book to bed in case I couldn't sleep, just so I wouldnt feel deprived and alone. I'd rarely read it. I mostly got enough sleep and did well at high school.

Come uni, I was so busy, working excersising and doing uni work that I was often tired and napped during the day. This normalised sleep and I lost my fear. I'd know I could sleep during the day, that I didnt fear sleep during the day. I wouldnt die or go mad. I'd look forward to sleep at night.

However, during my final uni year, I lost my job at the clothes shop, I was stressed, I was anxious, I'd had fights with friends, I was sleeping irregular hours and my housemates were judgemental. They used to go to bed at 11 and get up at 7am. I felt like a waster. I was missing morning seminars. My fear of sleep returned. I left uni with a 2.1 last July but I havent been able to find work.
I'm unemployed and I sit around the house, I have a boyfriend but it's long distance and I see him 3 weekends a month. during august I used to go to sleep at dawn and wake up at 2pm. I felt disgusting. I would stay up all night on the internet putting off sleep.

I was scared of the act of sleep, of temporary death, of not being able to control my dreams, of being alone and deprived in bed. I can't predict what my dreams will be, they might be unpleasant (they often are now). I'm terrified to sleep!!!!!!

TERRIFIED :o :o

putting myself unconcious for hours, and if I don't I'll go mad and die. I've sleeped deprived myself sometimes and got panic attacks thinking, I must sleep now I've got no choice!! what if I can't

I can't hold normal hours down for a job. I'm scared all weeknd with my boyfriend because I dont have the internet b4 i sleep to calm me down and distract me. I have to sleep at 1 am coz that's when he sleeps and get up at 8am but I often cant get to sleep coz those arent my normal hours and then Im sleep deprived!! I run on adrenaline all weekend.

I start thinking horrible thoughts about death and oblivion and all the evil things that happen in the world and my anxiety peaks !!

I keep this all to myself and feel like a freak, help!! my mum just thinks Im a lazy toerag she'd get mad and say I was stupid if she read this. :( :(

thanks for reading, sorry to rant, peace
xx

[cave dweller]

..i used to have this, the fear of not being able to sleep and of the idea of sleep itself, ...i never minded the alone-ness, but just being in bed doing nothing with nothing going on around me and knowing i would sort of switch of and 'not exist' for a period of time, and during that period of time i had no sense of self, or control or choice over how long it lasted or what i'd dream or how i'd feel when i woke up... and when i woke up it was a feeling that i wasn't the same person who had gone to sleep the night before, like i had died and I was someone completely different....... I hated going to sleep when other people were awake, i'd like to wait until i was all alone and then i felt more in control of my mind, but often i would just stay up until i was so exhausted that i just switched off, ...the lying waiting to sleep was frustrating and anxiety provoking.... i generally don't get the same thoughts/feelings about that particular issue these days,.. what i have found is that getting up early means your more tired at night and therefore more ready to sleep, drinking lots of water (for me), reduces the anxiety (along with excercise eating well etc.) Its not really a matter of having a healthy diet so much as just not eating processed foods, fried foods, etc. (this is all just what i've found helpful),..... i think each little thing contributes to moving the daily pattern in a positive direction although to be honest, whenever i don't sleep i just stay up really late and end up waking late.. i never tried to adress that specific problem, and i don't think the usual diet/positive thinking/routine things are the most helpful approach.. i find when i think about and struggle with the feelings that are the strongest and find a way to resolve them or fixate on them... when i fixate on them they become very strong and eventually I let them go because i can't deal with the anxed, then i find a way to resolve them and the situation slowly improves.... sometimes it doesn't.......

[cave dweller]

..i'll just add, these days after reading a bit of philosophy i enjoy going to bed as a sort of experiment, i consider it a bit of an outer space- out of body journey, and enjoy dreams and the space of not dealing with very rigid ideas of reality that restrict me when expressed by the culture around.....

[kathique]

Hi there

Anxiety is ultimately about wanting control and certainty. Without control and a guarantee that nothing bad will happen to us, our anxiety sky rockets. When you sleep, you're not in control, but that's ok! You spend so much time worrying during he day, it's like a brain holiday really. I have sleep issues, but regardless of bow I feel about bed time, I tell myself that it is now bed time, and as I'm tired and I value my health I'm just going to lay down and give it a go anyway. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes I stay Up late playing my iPhone, but that's ok too. Eventually I fall asleep.
You really need to look at the facts too - nothing bad has happened to you in your sleep yet. Sleep has proven to be a safe activity. I think you're now convinced if you follow your unhealthy sleeping pattern that you're somehow protecting yourself, when the opposite is true. If you wait until you're not anxious to start a new sleep routine, as awful as this sounds you may have to wait a while. You need to prove to yourself that sleep can be a positive experience, but you can't do that unless you go out of your comfort zone. If you have nightmares, make sure you tell yourself when you wake up that it's just a dream and it's over.

[jj1983]

Hello,

I also have sleep issues as well. Like the above post said I will stay in bed and mess with my blackberry. I will get on here, or look up random GOOD news and etc.

Reading a book helps me too,but you have to really focus. I recommend taking a 3mg melatonin and reading. Have some kava tea too. This helps me :) I hope it can help you too.

[Silachoo]

I had this problem too brother, When I was a junior in highschool I was literally afraid of "not being able to sleep" I would also feel alone when everyone was asleep and I would get comfort from the sounds of cars going by knowing that I was not the only one awake in the world, or the thought of people in China being awake. I would tell myself (especially on nights where I had to get up early in the morning for football practice) that If i did not sleep I would collapse at football, die, go crazy...hallucinate...etc... But that never happend. i could not sleep at anyones house only my own. And I had issues with it up until College. The key was lots of prayer and trusting in my Lord Jesus Chrsit (i would read scriptures such as *he gives his beloved sleep*, *God has not given me a spirit of fear..*) and that would calm me down enough to sleep. Eventually I began confronting the irrational thoughts with the truth. For example - "If i don't sleep I will die" I wouldu confront that thought with "If I don't sleep, I will be tired, which is annoying but not terrible" things like that. I had to think positively and cut off the "what if" cycle
You can do it

[JerJer]

I get a feeling of trapped at times at night, like if something bad happens noone is there to help me.