Storygirl
09-22-2010, 12:41 PM
I grew up mostly with my mother. I spent some time with my father as a small child and I must stay that those times were the most balanced times of my life. Sometimes my mother would have to check herself into the hospital because she was having issues and her meth problem was not helping matters. By the time I was 11 I was living in Texas with my mother exclusively. Since my father lived in Michigan it would be sometime before I would see him again.
Around this time the dynamic between my mother and I changed as well. Not saying it was the best to begin with, but we were no longer mother and daughter. It almost seemed like she hated me, or I was threat to her. As I got older it became worse. She was a bully and unpredictable. I was so unsure of myself and everything I did was a reason to be bullied and beat.
He favorite thing to do was to make me sit in a chair after a beating and force me to smile while I cried. She would grab my face and shake me make me smile. She would call me names that no real mother calls their 11 year old daughter. I was 11 years old and was none of those things. As time went on it was apparent that my mother was a bully and I was not loved by her, She was not capable of loving anyone. She eventually met a man and I was hoping that he would help her be a little more in line. Unfortunately he was unstable and she was. It was like the were feeding off each other.
She would bait him into an argument and she often would bait him into punishing me for something I "supposedly" did to her. She would often make it seem as though I was coming onto him in a sexual way "nothing could be further from the truth" . One day she asked me to take the trash out. Turns out that trash was his clothing he had dropped off. I had no idea, I thought it was trash. They beat me for hours because of that. She said I did it on purpose and I hated him. She mad it seem like everyone was out to get her.
He was working on a boat and would be gone of two weeks and during that two weeks he was gone everything I did was written down and I would get a beating for each thing when he got home. He never thought to question why these things only happened when he was not around to see them. It was because they never happened outside my mothers head.
They chopped of my hair, took my clothes away and gave me three outfits to wear for the week. My bath times were timed and when I went over he would come in and remove me from the bathroom clothed or not. By this time I was 15. School was no sanctuary either. Looking like a boy with short short hair and limited to three outfits a week does not get missed by cruel high school students. I was incessantly bullied at home and at school. I lived in a very small town of about 2000 people. Most people thought I was retarded or mentally ill. But that was only because my mother told people that. Who is going to believe a mentally retarded girl right? I do not deny that socially I was awkward, but when you are unsure of everything around you, you tend to come off a bit strange. No doctor has ever diagnosed me with mental retardation.
I was not the only person to be a victim to my mother. I am the youngest of 4 and the rest are all boys. My middle brother had the unfortunate luck of being the product of adultery and is my uncles " my fathers brother" child. However we did not learn this until we were older. My father raised him as his own and I have never thought of my brother as anything less than my brother. But he to was subject to my mothers wrath and because of his paternal standing he was a convenient punching bag for my father as well. So I cannot say I got the crap end of the stick as much as he did.
Now I am almost 30 years old and I am a wreck. My anxiety pretty much rules me like my mother did. It makes me unsure of everything and I question everyone's motives. I do not get close to people because I am afraid of them.
Around this time the dynamic between my mother and I changed as well. Not saying it was the best to begin with, but we were no longer mother and daughter. It almost seemed like she hated me, or I was threat to her. As I got older it became worse. She was a bully and unpredictable. I was so unsure of myself and everything I did was a reason to be bullied and beat.
He favorite thing to do was to make me sit in a chair after a beating and force me to smile while I cried. She would grab my face and shake me make me smile. She would call me names that no real mother calls their 11 year old daughter. I was 11 years old and was none of those things. As time went on it was apparent that my mother was a bully and I was not loved by her, She was not capable of loving anyone. She eventually met a man and I was hoping that he would help her be a little more in line. Unfortunately he was unstable and she was. It was like the were feeding off each other.
She would bait him into an argument and she often would bait him into punishing me for something I "supposedly" did to her. She would often make it seem as though I was coming onto him in a sexual way "nothing could be further from the truth" . One day she asked me to take the trash out. Turns out that trash was his clothing he had dropped off. I had no idea, I thought it was trash. They beat me for hours because of that. She said I did it on purpose and I hated him. She mad it seem like everyone was out to get her.
He was working on a boat and would be gone of two weeks and during that two weeks he was gone everything I did was written down and I would get a beating for each thing when he got home. He never thought to question why these things only happened when he was not around to see them. It was because they never happened outside my mothers head.
They chopped of my hair, took my clothes away and gave me three outfits to wear for the week. My bath times were timed and when I went over he would come in and remove me from the bathroom clothed or not. By this time I was 15. School was no sanctuary either. Looking like a boy with short short hair and limited to three outfits a week does not get missed by cruel high school students. I was incessantly bullied at home and at school. I lived in a very small town of about 2000 people. Most people thought I was retarded or mentally ill. But that was only because my mother told people that. Who is going to believe a mentally retarded girl right? I do not deny that socially I was awkward, but when you are unsure of everything around you, you tend to come off a bit strange. No doctor has ever diagnosed me with mental retardation.
I was not the only person to be a victim to my mother. I am the youngest of 4 and the rest are all boys. My middle brother had the unfortunate luck of being the product of adultery and is my uncles " my fathers brother" child. However we did not learn this until we were older. My father raised him as his own and I have never thought of my brother as anything less than my brother. But he to was subject to my mothers wrath and because of his paternal standing he was a convenient punching bag for my father as well. So I cannot say I got the crap end of the stick as much as he did.
Now I am almost 30 years old and I am a wreck. My anxiety pretty much rules me like my mother did. It makes me unsure of everything and I question everyone's motives. I do not get close to people because I am afraid of them.