maryn
09-03-2010, 12:43 PM
Hello all, I'm not sure where to start really. I used to think I was just shy. I would go out and have fun but feel very uncomfortable in crowds.
You might want to stop reading now, I think this will be too long.
After my dad died when I was 22, then I started to notice more symptoms, including fear of leaving the house, and a huge fear of being seen. I would wait until dark to leave work.
I never discussed it with anyone outside of my siblings at that time. So I just tried to live my life and do what I had to do. I went on vacations, I worked, and just hung on by a thread.
I felt like I was hiding a part of myself from everyone and I was. I couldn't really keep a relationship going, felt socially inept (still do), and knew I wasn't "like" other people.
When the depression got really bad, I saw a psychiatrist who started me on Prozac. That's when I had my first panic attack. I didn't know what it was, but when I described the sweating and having to leave a meeting at work, he told me, "You had a panic attack." "A what?" "A panic attack."
It really went downhill from that point. I was taken off the Prozac, which I now know is known to cause anxiety and panic if one is prone to it. I was put on another med, can't recall which one, but I have a looong list.
Within 3 months, I was hospitalized, had to leave my job of 9 years, ended up on disability, first short-term, then long-term.
Over the years, doctors had always treated my depression as primary and the anxiety as secondary. It wasn't until 2000, that a new doctor said she was going to treat my anxiety as the primary problem and the depression as the secondary. A total switcheroo. It worked for the most part!
But then I got another doctor in 2008, long story short, she put me on everything expensive under the sun for depression, including Abilify, and I watched myself get worse. I have to see her this Thursday. It took me 18 MONTHS with this dr. for her to bother to treat the damn anxiety!
Now, I have a little depression and I'm not taking anything for it. I am trying to control the anxiety with 2 meds (both benzodiazepines) and with therapy every week. But it took me 18 MONTHS to convince this dr. that my anxiety and agoraphobia wwere the cause of my depression!
Being aware of my thought processes helps to understand. For me, if I can understand WHY I feel like I do, it helps.
Thing is, I need to feel I'm more in control of my life than I have been in the past. This "thing" has controlled me for 20 years or so, and I have to be in control of it or where is my future? Nowhere. Nothing.
I have no friends anymore. Or at least none I kept in contact with.
One thing that I hate to feel and have been feeling more often than usual is...ANGER. I hate feeling angry. Then I feel out of control and I just have to sit and be by myself b/c I don't know what my anger will do.
I didn't even get to the agoraphobia which has kept me housebound for up to several months at a time, on and off. Thank goodness for Peapod! I'll have to post in the agoraphobia section about that.
So, I'm dealing with social anxiety, agoraphobia, and depression. It's hard to deal with all these things at one time and try to make life work.
Ugghhhh...there you have it, and that's just a sketch of what I've had to deal with. So you guys and gals are not alone at all.
Thanks for reading,
maryn
You might want to stop reading now, I think this will be too long.
After my dad died when I was 22, then I started to notice more symptoms, including fear of leaving the house, and a huge fear of being seen. I would wait until dark to leave work.
I never discussed it with anyone outside of my siblings at that time. So I just tried to live my life and do what I had to do. I went on vacations, I worked, and just hung on by a thread.
I felt like I was hiding a part of myself from everyone and I was. I couldn't really keep a relationship going, felt socially inept (still do), and knew I wasn't "like" other people.
When the depression got really bad, I saw a psychiatrist who started me on Prozac. That's when I had my first panic attack. I didn't know what it was, but when I described the sweating and having to leave a meeting at work, he told me, "You had a panic attack." "A what?" "A panic attack."
It really went downhill from that point. I was taken off the Prozac, which I now know is known to cause anxiety and panic if one is prone to it. I was put on another med, can't recall which one, but I have a looong list.
Within 3 months, I was hospitalized, had to leave my job of 9 years, ended up on disability, first short-term, then long-term.
Over the years, doctors had always treated my depression as primary and the anxiety as secondary. It wasn't until 2000, that a new doctor said she was going to treat my anxiety as the primary problem and the depression as the secondary. A total switcheroo. It worked for the most part!
But then I got another doctor in 2008, long story short, she put me on everything expensive under the sun for depression, including Abilify, and I watched myself get worse. I have to see her this Thursday. It took me 18 MONTHS with this dr. for her to bother to treat the damn anxiety!
Now, I have a little depression and I'm not taking anything for it. I am trying to control the anxiety with 2 meds (both benzodiazepines) and with therapy every week. But it took me 18 MONTHS to convince this dr. that my anxiety and agoraphobia wwere the cause of my depression!
Being aware of my thought processes helps to understand. For me, if I can understand WHY I feel like I do, it helps.
Thing is, I need to feel I'm more in control of my life than I have been in the past. This "thing" has controlled me for 20 years or so, and I have to be in control of it or where is my future? Nowhere. Nothing.
I have no friends anymore. Or at least none I kept in contact with.
One thing that I hate to feel and have been feeling more often than usual is...ANGER. I hate feeling angry. Then I feel out of control and I just have to sit and be by myself b/c I don't know what my anger will do.
I didn't even get to the agoraphobia which has kept me housebound for up to several months at a time, on and off. Thank goodness for Peapod! I'll have to post in the agoraphobia section about that.
So, I'm dealing with social anxiety, agoraphobia, and depression. It's hard to deal with all these things at one time and try to make life work.
Ugghhhh...there you have it, and that's just a sketch of what I've had to deal with. So you guys and gals are not alone at all.
Thanks for reading,
maryn