My life is not my own!!

[PistolSlap]

I'm 24 and I'm terrified of every aspect of life. I have no social skills, no street smarts, no world understanding. I get confused in every situation I'm in and never know what to do or say. I have zero self esteem. I feel like nothingness. I have no confidence. I hate looking in the mirror or even seeing my name in print. I feel about 8 years old all the time and can't understand how to survive in the adult world. I can't decide on a career, but I can't even get a minimum wage job. I can't talk to people, and I feel so small that I can't imagine ever having a girlfriend because I'm such a failure as a person.

My entire life is vicarious. I see other people living their lives as if their lives are all they focus on. For me, it's the opposite. Every situation and person I observe is overwhelmed by a billion thoughts about what made that person who they are and how all that relates to me and how I don't fit in. I constantly am terrified I'll end up homeless in poverty because I can't get a grip on my life. I can't focus purely on my own life -- my mind is overwhelmed with anxiety about the entire world and future and it paralyzes me. I hardly ever know peace. Even sitting in the sun on a peaceful day I'm worrying. I can't escape my mind.

My depression and anxiety and insecurity are so severe that I have no personality anymore. I have no interests. I can't stop worrying about my life. Nothing is fun, everything is terrifying. I'm scared of leaving the house and being around people. I feel like something horrible is going to happen in every situation. It's as if I'm blindfolded in front of a firing squad that's just about to pull their triggers. Every day I just want to die.

I get huge instances of disassociation where I feel like everything around me disappears and nothing is real and everything is surreal and overwhelming and terrifying and I don't belong alive. It's so frightening because I can see how messed up my perceptions are, while they're happening and I think 'What is happening to me?? What is wrong with me?? Am I crazy??' I sometimes start crying because I'm so scared of what is happening to me.

I fear that perhaps I just pulled a short straw mentally, and somehow all the wires aren't working properly and I'm not a real human -- something went wrong in the making of me and now I don't have the intrinsic ability to be able to live properly like most people -- my whole life is screwed because my mind won't allow me to percieve things properly. I know a different life is out there but I can't ever see it except in glimpses of other people. I've become so hopeless. I feel like my life is over, that the only future for me is jobless loneliness with no wife, children or career. I'd rather die than live that but I don't know how to fix my mind.

[jusroc]

there is usually a positive flip side to everything

for example, you say you have no wife.
however, no wife = no hassle with a nagging demanding wife.
I tell you something, having a wife is not everything.
Also remember, nothing is permanent. All things must pass. This includes the parts of our lives that we do not like.
Check out buddha for this one. As he explained that in essence, life is suffering as the material world is in a constant flux. Which sounds pretty crap really. However, what buddha also taught was a method that could help you get use to suffering. by learning to become positively indifferent to every aspect in life. That's why buddhist monks are generally very happy sausages!
As they have learnt to accept suffering to the extent that they have become immune.
Perhaps you should meditate on some of the positive things in life such as natural beauty or the wonders of modern science!

No job = no stress or responsibility that goes with that job.
Having a job isn't everything.
You can still do voluntary work if you really want to work.
These can be rewarding in themselves. Perhaps you could pick an area that really interests you and help there.

As for feeling 8 years old. Being 8 years old is great. However!
being 5 is miles better than being even 8!!!
Life as a nice good kid is miles better than a grown up sadistic ass hole.
If thats what they call being adult and this is their adult world. Then they can keep it! and shove it up their selfish fat ugly ass holes....!!! :-) haha

As for looking in the mirror. Perhaps you need some psychotherapy to deal with your self image. I think you probably dont look that bad. I mean, think of some of the brave people in the world who have been deformed hideously who still live perfectly normal lives.

I always think we are born as we are born. Simple as that. True Uglyness is how people treat others and not a superficial outer appearance.
Ugly people are the ones being nasty to others for entertainment.

As for failure, perhaps you should go over your life and look at it in a different light and look at all the successes you have accomplished, starting at the smallest upward. I mean, who gives a fuck when it all comes down to it. We are all pretty insignificant in the scale of things. As long as you can learn to enjoy some of your life then cool. Perhaps take up some type of a hobby that you can achieve results in. Doesn't have to be "real world" job / wife / money / big tv and the rest of the hairy bollocks etc.
Most of these things are actually pretty meaningless in the big scale of things. Being a real world achiever often equates to being an ass hole.

Also remember that your 24 years old dude. Your barely a child. You have plenty of time to catch up, if that's what you wanna do!

As for pulling a short straw, I don't know. I think that you will find that most people at some point in there life have a spell of anxiety, depression or other mental health problems.

Actually, these experiences are often what successful artists, musicians and writers draw from. In fact, a perfect life would most likely be very boring.

As for being aggrophobic. Read "Fear, friend of exceptional people" as this may help you. And learn to be more fearless. I suffer from anxiety, but I am lucky as I am pretty fearless really. Perhaps consider exposure therapy.

Always remember!
Failure is simply one of the stages before success!
Most things in life can be conquered. However, make sure you know what your getting into before you buy into it.
As you may get more than you wished for.
Sometimes you may think you really want something only to get it and realize that it sucks. This happened to me when i yearned for a long term romantic relationship. Getting married, for me, was the worst thing I have ever done in my life as being married to a monster and her family sucked.

As for wives.
My ex-wife was a woman who spent her whole time nagging me and making selfish demands of me. I had no time of my own.
She was a psycho fanatical Jehovah Witness who forced people to convert to her totalitarian mindless religion.

She was a bully really, and very abusive. Although, she went around telling people that I was the bully (bullies often do this).
She would instigate an argument intentionally in order to provoke a reaction, and when i said anything, she would then tell everyone that i was bullying her.

I believe that she quiet likely had a major personality disorder.
For example, she exhibited classic symptoms of Münchausen syndrome, constantly setting me up as the "abuser", so that she could then get sympathy from everyone around her.

I think that she has spent all her life doing this, and she has left a trail of victims in her path. Her ex-boyfriends, her ex-boyfriends family members, her ex-friends, my family members and me!

Some of which are now dead. This is the problem with being in a relationship with such a malicious person.

To make the whole scene even worse, her family were even madder and even more sadistic. Plus, I also got crap from all the sympathizers who believed all my ex-wife' and her families slander (with out evidence...shows how bright there are).

So, I am now miles happier to be away from such nasty selfish twisted people. I now have time to concentrate on making music, and although I suffer from anxiety which i believe has been escalated by the mistreatment I suffered from at the hands of my ex-wife, her family, friends and religion.

I feel miles better without her.
Some may think that i have no life because I have no wife. But, I know I have a much better life. Have all my time to myself and am free to go out with any girl who I want to. In fact, having less serious relationships are much better as you do not have to endure the stress of having to carry a lead weight around with you your whole life. It is certainly cheaper too!
.
I am not working, but this can be beneficial too. as i can get on with things that i like doing and doing things to reduce my anxiety that are usually very enjoyable such as tai chi and yoga, martial arts, music, art and meditation.

So, I don't have a great deal of money, however, many people in the world live below the poverty line so are in a much worse state.
.
In short. Most clouds have a silver lining. And as one door closes, some times a bigger and better one opens. (and sometimes with sexy younger and more fun / less complicated woman in too!) :-)

[Soleranz]

I was depressed because of my break up. I was on prozac by emedoutlet as per doctor prescription. It was really hurting moments in my life. But am recovering from depression. Hope I'll fell better after completing prozac course.