malrats
08-16-2010, 02:33 AM
I had my first panic attack when I was around 10 years old (I'll be 24 in october), and from that point I'd get them every now and then, but really just to the point where I'd feel like I wasn't getting enough air, and I'd worry myself until I'd fall asleep. they'd almost exclusively happen while going to sleep. but I've always been a very anxious person. I had the generalized anxiety aspect for most of the time, I guess, with a lot of hypochondria. I'd always worry about what everyone thought of me, things that could go wrong, what diseases I might have, etc. then last summer I started to have some pretty bad attacks. suddenly anytime I'd go to the mall with my girlfriend (now ex-girlfriend), I'd start to feel very light-headed in certain stores and eventually feel like I was gonna faint and need to drink water and sit down. usually we'd end up leaving the mall, and after that I started avoiding the mall. then, it started to happen in her car, and I'd get very panicky, so I'd avoid getting in the car with her and instead we'd just spend a lot of time at my house. then suddenly it was happening in my house as well. but instead, it would be hyperventilation--very severe hyperventilation. to the point where I'd have a buzzing in my head and pretty much be seconds away from fainting (I have fainted before, but it was from the first time I'd had blood drawn when I was maybe 18. terrible experience and I've been afraid of it happening again since).
that would happen on and off for awhile, so my dad (a doctor) would give me a 0.25mg xanax when it happened and I'd eventually calm down and be perfectly fine for the rest of the day. after awhile it went away for the most part. then, towards the end of last year it started to come back again, more and more. always in the car, and especially after a night of heavy drinking. I thought there was something wrong with me physically; I'd always tell my ex about how my body felt extremely heavy and I was getting all jittery. sort of like I'd drank entirely way too much coffee, or took adderall or something. not to get into the relationship with her, but she was a compulsive liar and I ended up breaking up with her after two long years together. we still acted exactly as if we were a couple, just without the title, for the next couple of months. things seemed to be going well between us, so I decided to ask her to make things official again. it was at this time that I found out she'd secretly started seeing someone else, and to make a long story short a great deal of traumatic events happened over the next couple of months in the form of her playing games with me emotionally, me being admitted to a mental hospital, court battles with her, etc.
due to the initial shock, I started to abuse the xanax that had been prescribed to me that I never took out of fear. I'd wake up in the morning, take enough just to fall back asleep, and repeat this throughout the day. I didn't want to think about the pain of what had happened with my ex. before long, I was an anxious mess, and found myself needing the pills. slowly but surely I began to withdraw from my friends and doing anything that really involved leaving my house, out of fear of having attacks or being trapped anywhere. before long, I'd developed a severe addiction to the xanax, and before I'd known it, 8 months have passed since I really lost my mind, which brings me to where I am now. on a daily basis, I'm in a constant state of anxiety and extreme fear. I can't breathe; my lungs feel like they're caving in. a minor tick that I'd always had in the form of sniffling frequently has developed into more of an OCD sort of obsession where I'll sniffle and snort rapidly and obsessively in attempt to clear my noise, actually to the point where I'm pretty much getting all of my breathing done via rapid sniffling. I worry about everything. I'm so addicted to the xanax that it hardly eliminates my anxiety anymore, and no longer has the power to stop panic attacks, but I'm pretty much just taking it to ease the cravings for more. I don't abuse it; I've never reached my maximum allowed daily dose (I come within 0.25mg, though), but I do need it. without it, the attacks and fits I go into are far, far more terrifying than they already are.
the other day I was having such an awful attack and hyperventilation fit that I was pacing around my house from 3am or so to about 7am, until I finally couldn't take it anymore and didn't know what to do, and just wanted to breathe normally and finally go to sleep, so I actually sat down on my toilet and started burning my arm with a bic lighter and a screwdriver. branding myself basically, carefully making the design of a heart on my arm. the next day I was having an equally terrifying attack and branded myself with the shape of a mushroom right next to the heart. a week later and the second degree burns still haven't healed, and very well may be infected. another one of the days I pierced my own nose, which took about 7-8 re-pierce attempts before I could finally get the ring through. it bled like crazy and was extremely painful, but I couldn't bring myself to care because it was better than the alternative--the hyperventilation, the endless sniffling, the extreme terror. of course, as soon as the shock of the piercing had died down, I was right back to the anxiety attacks.
over the past few months, I'd used exercise to calm myself down during the day. I'd do 30 minutes of cardio every single day, and weight training every other day, and it would buy me 2-3 hours of reasonable calm after the workout before I'd start getting very anxious and feeling the physical symptoms and would have to start taking xanax. but as of this past week, anytime I'd start working out I'd go into a hyperventilation fit, and get myself so faint that I'd have to jump off the machine and stop my workout in fear of fainting and cracking my skull open on the concrete floor. and of course once off the machine, I'd be in the middle of full-blown panic mode and have to go pace around the house, begging my mom to get me help, and doing whatever I could find to try to distract myself, usually to no avail.
during all of this time, I've literally spent 99% of my time at home. for awhile I was just much more safe at home--I'd always have the worst of my attacks in the car, whether I was driving or not, so I just couldn't go anywhere. plus, no matter where I went, if it wasn't at home I wouldn't feel safe and it would freak me out. this is a person who up until 8 months ago would take spontaneous road trips and was pretty much fearless; I could do almost anything, despite having to fight through anxieties. but now I'm not even safe at home. so during all this time, my friends have pretty much declared me dead (one of my best friends actually said at one point "our best friend died a few months ago"), I have no hope of getting into a relationship, I can't work, I can't even go to the store down the street. the attacks are just so bad, and I don't even know what's causing them.
I've been on six different anti-depressants and they just don't work for me. I don't have depression. despite everything I'm still a very happy person, always laughing, always joking around, always smiling. but it's robbed me of my life. I knew a normal life for 23 years and suddenly it was taken from me, and all I want is to have it back. I've been to therapy quite a few times now, and none of that has helped either. tomorrow morning I start with a psychologist/hypnotherapist, and I feel like this is my last option. if he can help me conquer the anxiety, and then overcome the xanax addiction, I can get my life back. but I'm not hopeful about it, and I can't help it.
I'm pretty messed up on xanax right now, so I can hardly even remember what I've already written, and it's 4:12am so I should probably get to sleep. looks like I've already written a novel anyway, so I'll end it at this point for now to give it a chance to get some responses. any advice would be greatly appreciated, especially in the form of inspiration--I'd love to hear from someone with a similar experience who came out on top in the end.
that would happen on and off for awhile, so my dad (a doctor) would give me a 0.25mg xanax when it happened and I'd eventually calm down and be perfectly fine for the rest of the day. after awhile it went away for the most part. then, towards the end of last year it started to come back again, more and more. always in the car, and especially after a night of heavy drinking. I thought there was something wrong with me physically; I'd always tell my ex about how my body felt extremely heavy and I was getting all jittery. sort of like I'd drank entirely way too much coffee, or took adderall or something. not to get into the relationship with her, but she was a compulsive liar and I ended up breaking up with her after two long years together. we still acted exactly as if we were a couple, just without the title, for the next couple of months. things seemed to be going well between us, so I decided to ask her to make things official again. it was at this time that I found out she'd secretly started seeing someone else, and to make a long story short a great deal of traumatic events happened over the next couple of months in the form of her playing games with me emotionally, me being admitted to a mental hospital, court battles with her, etc.
due to the initial shock, I started to abuse the xanax that had been prescribed to me that I never took out of fear. I'd wake up in the morning, take enough just to fall back asleep, and repeat this throughout the day. I didn't want to think about the pain of what had happened with my ex. before long, I was an anxious mess, and found myself needing the pills. slowly but surely I began to withdraw from my friends and doing anything that really involved leaving my house, out of fear of having attacks or being trapped anywhere. before long, I'd developed a severe addiction to the xanax, and before I'd known it, 8 months have passed since I really lost my mind, which brings me to where I am now. on a daily basis, I'm in a constant state of anxiety and extreme fear. I can't breathe; my lungs feel like they're caving in. a minor tick that I'd always had in the form of sniffling frequently has developed into more of an OCD sort of obsession where I'll sniffle and snort rapidly and obsessively in attempt to clear my noise, actually to the point where I'm pretty much getting all of my breathing done via rapid sniffling. I worry about everything. I'm so addicted to the xanax that it hardly eliminates my anxiety anymore, and no longer has the power to stop panic attacks, but I'm pretty much just taking it to ease the cravings for more. I don't abuse it; I've never reached my maximum allowed daily dose (I come within 0.25mg, though), but I do need it. without it, the attacks and fits I go into are far, far more terrifying than they already are.
the other day I was having such an awful attack and hyperventilation fit that I was pacing around my house from 3am or so to about 7am, until I finally couldn't take it anymore and didn't know what to do, and just wanted to breathe normally and finally go to sleep, so I actually sat down on my toilet and started burning my arm with a bic lighter and a screwdriver. branding myself basically, carefully making the design of a heart on my arm. the next day I was having an equally terrifying attack and branded myself with the shape of a mushroom right next to the heart. a week later and the second degree burns still haven't healed, and very well may be infected. another one of the days I pierced my own nose, which took about 7-8 re-pierce attempts before I could finally get the ring through. it bled like crazy and was extremely painful, but I couldn't bring myself to care because it was better than the alternative--the hyperventilation, the endless sniffling, the extreme terror. of course, as soon as the shock of the piercing had died down, I was right back to the anxiety attacks.
over the past few months, I'd used exercise to calm myself down during the day. I'd do 30 minutes of cardio every single day, and weight training every other day, and it would buy me 2-3 hours of reasonable calm after the workout before I'd start getting very anxious and feeling the physical symptoms and would have to start taking xanax. but as of this past week, anytime I'd start working out I'd go into a hyperventilation fit, and get myself so faint that I'd have to jump off the machine and stop my workout in fear of fainting and cracking my skull open on the concrete floor. and of course once off the machine, I'd be in the middle of full-blown panic mode and have to go pace around the house, begging my mom to get me help, and doing whatever I could find to try to distract myself, usually to no avail.
during all of this time, I've literally spent 99% of my time at home. for awhile I was just much more safe at home--I'd always have the worst of my attacks in the car, whether I was driving or not, so I just couldn't go anywhere. plus, no matter where I went, if it wasn't at home I wouldn't feel safe and it would freak me out. this is a person who up until 8 months ago would take spontaneous road trips and was pretty much fearless; I could do almost anything, despite having to fight through anxieties. but now I'm not even safe at home. so during all this time, my friends have pretty much declared me dead (one of my best friends actually said at one point "our best friend died a few months ago"), I have no hope of getting into a relationship, I can't work, I can't even go to the store down the street. the attacks are just so bad, and I don't even know what's causing them.
I've been on six different anti-depressants and they just don't work for me. I don't have depression. despite everything I'm still a very happy person, always laughing, always joking around, always smiling. but it's robbed me of my life. I knew a normal life for 23 years and suddenly it was taken from me, and all I want is to have it back. I've been to therapy quite a few times now, and none of that has helped either. tomorrow morning I start with a psychologist/hypnotherapist, and I feel like this is my last option. if he can help me conquer the anxiety, and then overcome the xanax addiction, I can get my life back. but I'm not hopeful about it, and I can't help it.
I'm pretty messed up on xanax right now, so I can hardly even remember what I've already written, and it's 4:12am so I should probably get to sleep. looks like I've already written a novel anyway, so I'll end it at this point for now to give it a chance to get some responses. any advice would be greatly appreciated, especially in the form of inspiration--I'd love to hear from someone with a similar experience who came out on top in the end.