Sooooo very tired of the obsessive thoughts... I need advice

[mbthewisewolf]

I've talked to my therapist EXTENSIVELY about this, but he just hasn't had the chance to address it properly, since I only see him once a week and I'm having to skip sessions due to money... I'm 16, and I've suffered from anxiety and panic attacks for almost two years now. I've been through some rough times- some bad panic attacks, horrible worries, bodily symptoms, you name it. It seems like once I'm able to get over ONE thing, something else creeps up in my mind and I repeat the whole process over again. This is what brings me here tonight.

It's embarrassing to say, and I KNOW it's unrealistic, but I've developed this fear that someone is gonna drug me SOMEHOW or someway. I don't think people are out to get me, and I certainly don't think anyone is trying to kill me this way... I just picture some kids at a gas station lacing my cigarettes (anxious smoker, young, I know...) or someone at a fast food joint spiking my food as a prank or something. I'm mostly afraid of stimulants and hallucination-inducing things- anything that makes my heart race or makes me feel out of control of my mind.

I'm just not sure what to do. A lot of the times, I worry that I'm becoming paranoid schizophrenic or something. I can feel my lucidity slipping away more and more everyday! I get a lot of depersonalization, which doesn't help at ALL, since sometimes I confuse it with the effects of a drug and it can make me panic for a moment.

I've told my therapist all about it, and he says I'm not crazy, since I can identify that these things aren't real, and that they aren't normal. He says if I TRULY believed it, and thought it was valid, he'd worry about something more serious. But I KNOW it's ridiculous! I know it's not normal, and I know deep down that it just won't happen, but the thought of it just seems to scare me so much...

My therapist explained that this fear might be related to the origin of my anxiety, which happens to be marijuana. For anyone who's smoked it before, I'm sure you know what I mean. I smoked too much, and completely freaked out. It was the first panic attack I'd ever have, and I didn't even know what it was! My heart was pounding, and my mind was racing, and for the first time in my life... I really thought I was gonna die. I'd never thought about death, or struggled with control before then, but as soon as it happened, my mind is CONSUMED with these thoughts. My worst fear is to be absolutely out of control, or dying. Drugs do both of these things, and I'm terrified of them! Once I realized that I'd never do them again, I started thinking: "Well, what if an external thing FORCES them on me?"

I know it's not logical, but it scares me none the less. I just want to be able to eat again without worrying, I want to be able to smoke the first few cigarettes out of a pack without worrying! I can hardly eat fast food anymore, or buy drinks from a gas station! I'm so limited in what I can eat/consume it's becoming RIDICULOUS!

I got on a beta blocker 5 days ago, and it does help TREMENDOUSLY with the physical symptoms, like the racing heart, palpitations, hyperventilating, etc. But, it doesn't do anything for the mental worry/panic, not that I expected it to...

Am I alone with this?

Surely someone out there has had something similar to this, right?

I'm just so tired...... I don't want to be alone.

[Indelibly_Marla]

Hey, I was just bailing on this forum (for good) when I saw your post, and had to respond to it first. I've only been dealing with panic/anxiety for a few months myself, but the other night my partner was having some shrooms and he puts them into empty caps, which look exactly like my magnesium supplements. Even though I know he would NEVER drug me, I started wondering if one had somehow 'accidentally' found it's way into the bottle.

As soon as that fear started to present itself, I had to literally force myself to shut it down. I did that by getting on the phone to a friend and distracting myself. By the time I got off the phone, I could really feel (not just know in my mind) that my previous thoughts were in no way valid. So, I would suggest trying any kind of distraction that could even possibly tear your mind away from these thoughts when they arise.

The other important thing is to try not to let your fears gain power over you by obeying them. As hard as it is (believe me, I know this) the best thing to do is confront them so that you can prove to yourself that there is no reason to worry. Perhaps by making yourself eat the fast food you've been avoiding. When you don't get high, it will reaffirm the fact that you have nothing to worry about.

What I really wanted to share with you is that my best friend has been dealing with anxiety for about 5 years and his started from weed too. After his first attack, he was convinced that the pot triggered it, so he stopped smoking it. Since his housemates were still smoking it and eating it all the time, he became convinced that it was going to end up in his food. So he felt like he could never eat or drink in his own house (kind of the reverse of your situation).

He was incredibly paranoid about it and thought he was going insane. He moved out and was even afraid to be near anyone smoking the stuff, even if it was outside. But, once he got his own place and things calmed down a bit, he made himself confront his fears (not by smoking it; he will never do that again) by being around other people smoking it. When nothing happened, he came to the realisation that he wouldn't get stoned just by being outside with someone who's smoking. He also realised that his food and drink were in fact not being drugged, and nor would they be.

If you can't confront your issues with drugs directly, or don't feel ready to, there's a great movie called 'Numb' with Matthew Perry in it. He plays a character with severe anxiety and depersonalisation, whose first attack is triggered by weed. The film might help you to get through some of your fears about the drug. Hope this helps, good luck! :)

[hesson81]

your not alone, that's for sure, I have had the same fears as you. As things cleared away out of my life (stressors) it all got better. I'm doing better than I was 6 months ago.

Yea, had paranoid thoughts, not even fears, and made me thinkin i was schitzophrenic. I never believed the thought but wondered if because I came up with it meant something else was happening. It's not. ;)

I really hope that things are okay in your home life. You say your 16, so I hope your parents or home life is up to par.

I have leared now, and I can see now, that alot of my issues seem to happen when there are external stressors. Matter fact when I recognize an external stressor these days, I start to anticipate irrational fears, and where my mind may go. Stress reaction. Sucks, but I'm hopefull that it will some day be extremely copeable.

[mbthewisewolf]

Thanks for the replies guys! I just wanted to know if this was old fashioned anxiety, or something else, but since it seems like I'm not the only one who's had it, I feel better. Thank you! =D

[louiseevans222]

Hey,

Thats sounds pretty bad, but that just shows how good your imagination is...

People with an anxiety disorder tend to have a better imagination, but they use it for fearing....

What I recommend is to do alot meditation, even if its hard in the beginning carry on doing it daily, untill you start getting results...

There another pretty powerful tool I use which is subliminal messages, it works really well, in fact theres a science to it...

and also I have a Live call coming up on the 28th

to get more info about the live call, and also to get FREE access to a powerful software click the link below...

[nervousbutterflies]

THIS POST MADE ME SO HAPPY! i have been having the same exact problem for 2 years now. I am only 18 years old and im an ex coke/weed/alot of other things addict. Since i am clean now my addictions are good food. I always feel like someone is going to slip acid in my food or drink. A week ago i went to my old job i got fired from to get all you can eat crab legs and i ate a ton of them and i started feeling really out of it and really scared! i honestly felt like i was drugged considering the owner who fired me was a huge drug head! I was freaking out the rest of the night. I also get scared to leave my water bottle around at work and i am scared to drink tap water because i think that there is mercury in there that is gonna make me go even crazier!! I always worry i am going to be scHizophrenic because the onset age is 18-21!

[CLV]

You're definately not alone - I'm 28, and the exact same thing happened to me. I had a panic attack when I was 14 from smoking weed, and it just got worse from then.

I've also had fears of people spiking my drink and food, because the fear is so intense it gets in the way of me having a good night when I go out sometimes.

I've only recently decided to treat my anxiety with medication and I'll be going to counselling soon - it's good that you've been so open with this issue, because it means you're on the right track to beating it.

My advice is to quit smoking as well - I smoked for 15 years, and I've quit for the past 4 months. It's really helped me feel healthier and fit, which also helps with the anxiety and other symptons. I know it will be one of the hardest things to do, but believe me, it will be worth it.

Don't let it stop you from going out with your mates and having a drink and a good time - try and be as active as possible by taking a lot of exercise.

Keep you're chin up mate - we're all gonna have bad days - the trick is to try and have more good ones 8)

[mbthewisewolf]

THIS POST MADE ME SO HAPPY! i have been having the same exact problem for 2 years now. I am only 18 years old and im an ex coke/weed/alot of other things addict. Since i am clean now my addictions are good food. I always feel like someone is going to slip acid in my food or drink. A week ago i went to my old job i got fired from to get all you can eat crab legs and i ate a ton of them and i started feeling really out of it and really scared! i honestly felt like i was drugged considering the owner who fired me was a huge drug head! I was freaking out the rest of the night. I also get scared to leave my water bottle around at work and i am scared to drink tap water because i think that there is mercury in there that is gonna make me go even crazier!! I always worry i am going to be scHizophrenic because the onset age is 18-21!

You're response made me happy as well!

I think a lot of it relates to the fact that the drugs were the catalyst to our anxiety, right? And we know how unrealistic it is, yet the "what if" scares us! It's just one more thing to get over and done with, but like the rest of it, we can do it! =)