Overbearing mother issues (post-traumatic)

[cendres]

Hello.

I have general anxiety, social anxiety, and drug and alcohol addiction. I have been sober for 6 months, and am genuinely interested in recovering from my various problems.

I am very inquisitive, like to understand things, and recently I'm trying to understand myself.

I have related a lot of my anxiety to my overbearing mother, who passed away years ago. I can't find information about how to deal with this from a post-traumatic stress point of view. I find information on what to do about an existing overbearing mother, but not what to do after they are gone. Could any of you point me in the right direction, please?

I am listening to a cassette series "Overcoming Social Anxiety: Step By Step", using a 12 step program and support group (for substance addiction), and I'm on waiting lists for therapy. The cassettes and 12 steps don't seem to address this mother issue, or my inquisitive nature, but they help in other ways.

[cendres]

I'll elaborate the problem, in case some of you can relate and maybe discover it is an issue for you too. This seems like the right forum for it.

My mother was overbearing and smothering, somewhat like what you see in movies. She called me 3 times a day from long distance, sometimes more, did her best to control as much of my life as possible, and used me for someone to scream at when she was stressed out. In movies the character playing the child eventually stands up to the mother, and she backs down, and life is better after. I tried this many times, when I thought it was safe, and she might apologize and admit her overbearingness, promise to stop, and then go back to normal a few days later. She was in complete denial of her problem, and I felt helpless in a love/hate relationship with her. I loved her because she was my mother, but hated how she treated me. The people around me didn't understand the scope of this problem. This continued until the day she died, when I was around 27 years old. I know now this was abuse, although it's still hard to admit. She also complemented and supported me, trying to encourage my self esteem, which I came to resent in her or anyone else who does this.

Meanwhile my father was an alcoholic (he also passed away years ago). He was not completely absent in my life, but largely was, and we had little emotional bond. He preferred me over my older sister, I think because I was a boy, and she felt it. My mother was not my sister's biological mother, which was kept secret from her until she was 12, and she exploded in resentment because of it. This combination caused animosity from her towards me and my mother, and destroyed their relationship.

So I had a father I didn't get much love from, a sister who resented my existence, and a mother who latched on to me like a life preserver... pulling me down to drown with her.

To add to this, we moved a lot. Often twice in the same year. Perhaps 25 times by the time I was 21 years old.

This dramatically affected how I treat other people, and perceived the world. I grew up without ever having close friends. I often tried to have friends, but would latch on to whoever would let me, and this never worked out very well. When I reached my 20's I was socially isolated and alcohol was clearly becoming a dependence.

Though my mother and I had moved apart for a few years, we somehow moved back together. It became easy for me to agree with her that it was more logical for us to live together, until she died of cancer. Without her supervision, my alcoholism progressed out of control. 6 months ago I stopped drinking at age 31, and started to escape the denial I have lived with, and started being more honest with myself. I found it very difficult and embarrassing to admit that my mother controlled my life, even after it was over.

And so here I am. Terrified of trusting people or having someone else in my life like her; a pacifist haunted by memories of my sister and mother, loving only my dog.

The 12 step programs deal largely with letting go of resentments, identifying character defects, and doing amends to people we have harmed. I have done this as well as I can, and yet I don't feel happy.

I don't feel resentment, I don't want revenge, I just want to have healthy social relationships with people, and these issues are blocking me.

I don't believe I'm the only one like this, which is why I'm surprised that I could not find any online help for dealing with this.

Like I mentioned, I'm on waiting lists for therapy, but I would like to do something in the meanwhile. I'm impatient.

If you can relate to me, I'm curious to read your story. It would be nice to have someone to identify with.