tralli10
07-26-2010, 06:48 PM
I write this in hopes it will ease my pain briefly.
I am a 30 year old guy and have had to deal with what is known as General Anxiety Disorder or GAD. It is as you surely know an condition which makes you experience unrational fear and dread. It comes in episodes which can last for few weeks to many months, in my occasion at least.
I have been battling this ailment for as long as I can remember, my earliest experience I can remember is when I was 3 or 4 years old, my mom had taken up a night cleaning job at the local elementary school and she left me home with my older brother to look after me. One night my brother went out when he was supposed to be watching me. I immediately was struck with fear and despair, afraid the he wouldn't come back or even my mom. Alone in the apartment I dialed a random number hoping my mom would pick up, but instead a total stranger answered, that's when I started crying.
I still remember this feeling because I still experience it 25 years later, I have had a few episodes that I think would qualify as a nervous breakdown mostly around my teenage years but the last "bad" one happened few years ago. It sometimes gets so bad that I canīt help but shed some tears, cry if you will and that makes me feel weak, a grown man shouldn't cry, but when things seem so bleak and there are no exits, I canīt help it.
Today, I'm a wreck, I feel I canīt cope with today's world, every bit of stress wears me down and the anxiety kicks in if I donīt find a way to relief myself of the stress. Now I feel like hell, I graduated from university this summer with b.s degree in computer science. My final exams took their toll on my mental health but I managed to pull through. Now I have just started my first job related to my education as a web programmer and my anxiety is killing me, I'm so afraid I'll fail, that I'm not qualified enough to do my job.
On my first day I got an assignment involving manipulating a website written by another programmer. I had some difficulty understanding his code and there were some parts I've never dealt with before. I froze, I started sweating like crazy, I just stared at the screen feeling awful. I managed in the end to understand it and get some work done but I canīt shake the feeling that tomorrow I will be in the same situation, I've been all this evening fighting my fear of what to come.
I've considered resigning to escape this feeling but I refuse to give up just yet though, I hope I'm just exaggerating things, I know deep inside I'm qualified enough for this job and it takes time to develop a sense of professionalism.
Anyway thanks for reading
I am a 30 year old guy and have had to deal with what is known as General Anxiety Disorder or GAD. It is as you surely know an condition which makes you experience unrational fear and dread. It comes in episodes which can last for few weeks to many months, in my occasion at least.
I have been battling this ailment for as long as I can remember, my earliest experience I can remember is when I was 3 or 4 years old, my mom had taken up a night cleaning job at the local elementary school and she left me home with my older brother to look after me. One night my brother went out when he was supposed to be watching me. I immediately was struck with fear and despair, afraid the he wouldn't come back or even my mom. Alone in the apartment I dialed a random number hoping my mom would pick up, but instead a total stranger answered, that's when I started crying.
I still remember this feeling because I still experience it 25 years later, I have had a few episodes that I think would qualify as a nervous breakdown mostly around my teenage years but the last "bad" one happened few years ago. It sometimes gets so bad that I canīt help but shed some tears, cry if you will and that makes me feel weak, a grown man shouldn't cry, but when things seem so bleak and there are no exits, I canīt help it.
Today, I'm a wreck, I feel I canīt cope with today's world, every bit of stress wears me down and the anxiety kicks in if I donīt find a way to relief myself of the stress. Now I feel like hell, I graduated from university this summer with b.s degree in computer science. My final exams took their toll on my mental health but I managed to pull through. Now I have just started my first job related to my education as a web programmer and my anxiety is killing me, I'm so afraid I'll fail, that I'm not qualified enough to do my job.
On my first day I got an assignment involving manipulating a website written by another programmer. I had some difficulty understanding his code and there were some parts I've never dealt with before. I froze, I started sweating like crazy, I just stared at the screen feeling awful. I managed in the end to understand it and get some work done but I canīt shake the feeling that tomorrow I will be in the same situation, I've been all this evening fighting my fear of what to come.
I've considered resigning to escape this feeling but I refuse to give up just yet though, I hope I'm just exaggerating things, I know deep inside I'm qualified enough for this job and it takes time to develop a sense of professionalism.
Anyway thanks for reading