kassie
07-22-2010, 10:18 AM
so ive stumbled upon this forum in my search for information.
i am at my breaking point and just dont know how much longer i can handle life the way it is.
i have ALOT of stressors in my life. the big ones are: a son with autism, financial issues, and daily living
how can daily living be such a huge stressor?
after a bit of research and some good hind sight here is what ive come up with:
im not sure if i am suffering from true panic attack disorder or if im having mini attacks as a result of generalized anxiety disorder...
the first attack hit me almost 10 years ago. i had suddenly developed this fear of riding in a car. it was especially bad at night. i would get into a car and would be so tense i could hardly talk. i would concentrate so hard on where the driver was on teh road and looking for dangers that i couldnt think of hardly anything else. there were a couple of times i made exscuses to not go somewhere because of this fear. usually i ended up going and just suffering through it.
my husband and i had gone 5 hrs away from home to see my sister. on the way back it was the middle of the night and i was tryign to cope with my anxiety (didnt know thats what it was.... was really confused about the fear to be honest) by trying to fall asleep. all of a sudden my heart was racing, i was sooo HOT, i was drippign sweat, i felt so nauseaus that i had to make him pull over on the interstate and open my door and let the cool air hit me for about 15 minutes before i was ok enough to keep going. even at that point i didnt want to keep going but knew i had to. i had no choice. i was also shaking very badly.
nothing memorable happened for quite a while in this sense. the fear was still there, and new fears were developing. the biggest one was driving though.
then about 4 years ago or so hubby and i were about an hour away from home and basicly the same thign happened. i had to make him stop the car for a half hour this time untill i felt like i could go on. again i didnt want to, but had no choice, have kids i had to get home to.
ever since then approximately twice a week, sometimes more sometimes less i have these little mini attacks. it starts out feeling like ive stood up too fast and get light headed, but then it progresses to intense pressure in my head and rushing in my ears, i get very hot and dizzy, and then i lose my vision. literally it goes dark untill it is black and i cannot see. it lasts about 20 seconds i would guess. i get shaky sometimes with these too.
they come out of the blue and i dont understand them. they scare me because im afraid that im going to go unconsious and i am ALWAYS around my kids. i have 5 kids, 3 of them are under 5 years old. what would happen to them if i passed out and didnt wake up right away? or what happens when they hit while im driving especially with the kids in the car? that has happened- all i can do is hit the brake right there in the middle of the road and hope to god no one hits me because of it.
on a daily basis i cannot function. i get that feeling of dread in my stomach and it paralyzes me. the house work overwhelms me, bills over whelm me. my kids overwhelm me. providing for my family, like going to the grocery store and takign care of household business is too much. i end up sitting in a chair almost every day with my body so tense and my mind reeling, i cant do anything.
some days are ok though, the feelings are still there, just not quite as intense and i can manage to get some things done.
i cry almost every day. i just want these feelings to go away.
i actually told my husband the other day that i didnt know how much longer i can take this. im scared im going to be one of those mothers on the news who snaps and kills her kids. im that scared.
ive seen doctors. i HATE doctors, or at least the ones ive seen. ive been on lexapro and prozac and whatever the name of the mother drug to lexapro is, ive been on that too. ive also been on wellbutrin. NOTHING HELPS.
allmost 6 years ago i got clean and sober. i havent had a drop to drink or a drug sense. one of the first things i learned after getting sober is that i have to be careful even of prescriptions and i have to be honest with my doctors and tell them my history. i have done that and it has hurt me more than helped. every doctor i see looks in my chart and sees the words "drug addict" and changes their entire perception of me. from the moment they see that they tell me there is nothing they can give me. one of them actually accused me of "drug seeking" as i am crying in her office telling her i dont know how much longer i can live like this she thinks im after soem pills to get high.
they dont seem to understand that if i wanted to get high i would get high. i am at the point where self medication is sounding pretty damn good. at least i could have a break from these feelings. no one will listen to me. they treat me as a damn lable and i cant take this anymore.
they could tell me to eat dog poo and it will make me better- i would do it.
they could tell me to take a spoonful of sugar every morning- i would do it.
i am at the point where i would do ANYTHING to make these feelings stop. i just want to be able to be a good mom and take care of my family. i just want to be able to make it through the day without feeling the way i feel.
a friend of mine has suggested i go see her doctor, she too is in recovery and says her dr understands drug addiction and will not treat me as the others ive seen will. im going to try that route
can anyone relate?
i am at my breaking point and just dont know how much longer i can handle life the way it is.
i have ALOT of stressors in my life. the big ones are: a son with autism, financial issues, and daily living
how can daily living be such a huge stressor?
after a bit of research and some good hind sight here is what ive come up with:
im not sure if i am suffering from true panic attack disorder or if im having mini attacks as a result of generalized anxiety disorder...
the first attack hit me almost 10 years ago. i had suddenly developed this fear of riding in a car. it was especially bad at night. i would get into a car and would be so tense i could hardly talk. i would concentrate so hard on where the driver was on teh road and looking for dangers that i couldnt think of hardly anything else. there were a couple of times i made exscuses to not go somewhere because of this fear. usually i ended up going and just suffering through it.
my husband and i had gone 5 hrs away from home to see my sister. on the way back it was the middle of the night and i was tryign to cope with my anxiety (didnt know thats what it was.... was really confused about the fear to be honest) by trying to fall asleep. all of a sudden my heart was racing, i was sooo HOT, i was drippign sweat, i felt so nauseaus that i had to make him pull over on the interstate and open my door and let the cool air hit me for about 15 minutes before i was ok enough to keep going. even at that point i didnt want to keep going but knew i had to. i had no choice. i was also shaking very badly.
nothing memorable happened for quite a while in this sense. the fear was still there, and new fears were developing. the biggest one was driving though.
then about 4 years ago or so hubby and i were about an hour away from home and basicly the same thign happened. i had to make him stop the car for a half hour this time untill i felt like i could go on. again i didnt want to, but had no choice, have kids i had to get home to.
ever since then approximately twice a week, sometimes more sometimes less i have these little mini attacks. it starts out feeling like ive stood up too fast and get light headed, but then it progresses to intense pressure in my head and rushing in my ears, i get very hot and dizzy, and then i lose my vision. literally it goes dark untill it is black and i cannot see. it lasts about 20 seconds i would guess. i get shaky sometimes with these too.
they come out of the blue and i dont understand them. they scare me because im afraid that im going to go unconsious and i am ALWAYS around my kids. i have 5 kids, 3 of them are under 5 years old. what would happen to them if i passed out and didnt wake up right away? or what happens when they hit while im driving especially with the kids in the car? that has happened- all i can do is hit the brake right there in the middle of the road and hope to god no one hits me because of it.
on a daily basis i cannot function. i get that feeling of dread in my stomach and it paralyzes me. the house work overwhelms me, bills over whelm me. my kids overwhelm me. providing for my family, like going to the grocery store and takign care of household business is too much. i end up sitting in a chair almost every day with my body so tense and my mind reeling, i cant do anything.
some days are ok though, the feelings are still there, just not quite as intense and i can manage to get some things done.
i cry almost every day. i just want these feelings to go away.
i actually told my husband the other day that i didnt know how much longer i can take this. im scared im going to be one of those mothers on the news who snaps and kills her kids. im that scared.
ive seen doctors. i HATE doctors, or at least the ones ive seen. ive been on lexapro and prozac and whatever the name of the mother drug to lexapro is, ive been on that too. ive also been on wellbutrin. NOTHING HELPS.
allmost 6 years ago i got clean and sober. i havent had a drop to drink or a drug sense. one of the first things i learned after getting sober is that i have to be careful even of prescriptions and i have to be honest with my doctors and tell them my history. i have done that and it has hurt me more than helped. every doctor i see looks in my chart and sees the words "drug addict" and changes their entire perception of me. from the moment they see that they tell me there is nothing they can give me. one of them actually accused me of "drug seeking" as i am crying in her office telling her i dont know how much longer i can live like this she thinks im after soem pills to get high.
they dont seem to understand that if i wanted to get high i would get high. i am at the point where self medication is sounding pretty damn good. at least i could have a break from these feelings. no one will listen to me. they treat me as a damn lable and i cant take this anymore.
they could tell me to eat dog poo and it will make me better- i would do it.
they could tell me to take a spoonful of sugar every morning- i would do it.
i am at the point where i would do ANYTHING to make these feelings stop. i just want to be able to be a good mom and take care of my family. i just want to be able to make it through the day without feeling the way i feel.
a friend of mine has suggested i go see her doctor, she too is in recovery and says her dr understands drug addiction and will not treat me as the others ive seen will. im going to try that route
can anyone relate?