wolfgang93
07-19-2010, 07:46 AM
A lot of people don't really believe me when I say i'm depressed and have anxiety and social phobia etc etc ( the list goes on) because I am a young and very successful in my career and an continuously climbing the business ladder. It probably all started from early childhood when I was overweight and extremely self conscious. Anorexia began at about age 13 and I beat it physically with the gym and built a good 40-50lbs of muscle from age 15 to 19. but mentally I am VERY insecure and I would even say I have quite a distorted self image. i mean people on the streets have told me I'm beautiful (i'm a male by the way lol) yet I constantly feel ugly and disgusting. Friends and family will reassure me but that doesnt work, obviously I wish it did but my mind races all the time and compliments just role off when the way I feel is so much more powerful.
I am an extreme perfectionist when it comes to my job and I unintentionally place a massive amount of pressure on myself to be the best. I have suffered from chronic insomnia and panic attacks for as long as I can now remember yet my doctor had brushed off my cries for help(he finally put me on an ssri but ill get into that later). I also became a prisoner of my own home because My anxiety is too much to handle when I go out. I LOVE to go out and have a good time but I just cant anymore. I start to sweat, my face turns red and I feel like everyone is staring at me.
To make things worse I have OCD, nothing too extreme i guess because its only focused on a few things, like money and My body image but thinking about my body every second of the day (literally) is so f*cking stressful. It makes me very depressed. I have a body image in my head that I want but fear that even once i acheive it, i won't even know it and still feel insecure.
I am seeing a psychologist but its expensive and I just dont see how talking can help.. it only seems to help for that hour and about and hour after then it all fades.
I have a girlfriend and we have sex everyday, sometimes I can't perform because my mind is on so many other things but I guess on the plus side this keeps me faithful because I have never cheated probably because I would have to much anxiety to go through with it lol! no but seriously I love her too much and we were best friends first before we dated.
I also can't sit still, and when i can(which is never) my mind goes extra hard anyways) I think thats why I have trouble sleeping.. I have to use sleeping meds or i just cant fall asleep and yes I had insomnia before the ssri's so its not from that but now i notice I wake up much earlier on the ssri(zoloft) for example if I normally woke up at 11am I now wake up at around 6 something am and cant fall asleep again. I was always getting in trouble in school for being disrupted. dont get me wrong. my teachers loved me and my personality but i just found school so damn boring. I am actually getting results for an adhd test at the end of the month so ill know for sure whats up.
I get some extreme mood swings that I cant control. I have to try sooooo hard not to snap sometimes. and other times when I feel fine when someone talks to me My reply comes out very angry and that even throws me off because I didnt expect it. I have never been violent with people(only in sports I would have an occasional fight but i always tried to be passive because I know I have a bad temper (thats another thing i worry about when I go to malls etc) because i get major anxiety and sweat and feel closed in by stares, I fear I might snap on someone someday and just f*ck them up really bad and I really dont want to do something like that because that just isnt be..
but I often get these feelings and thoughts when this anger hits my insides out of no where and I just want to clock someone like a smartass cashier or someone pulling a dumb f*cking sarcastic joke on me. It f*cking gets under my damn skin and I just want to teach them a lesson not to fuck with people they don't know.
I have had freak attacks and totalled a few doors and drywall in my house, which to be honest feels effing amazing.. when I snap, something HAS to break or the feelings wont go away. Ive been pretty good with that though.. its been a about a month since i took a bat to a chair.
I am also an adrenaline junkie. I have a really fast car and sometimes i go a little overboard because I LOVE when my heart starts to pound it makes me feel fucking alive! I feel it in my entire body. also I don't do drugs or drink so I cant blame those things for the way I am.
actually everything I am discribing is exactly how my dad said he was and kind of still is but he has clonazepam to help him cope.
I kind of forgot where I was going with this but uh yea, my doctor says hes pretty sure I am not bipolar which is nice to hear because I dont want to be fucked up. but the adhd test I took was quite extensive and I believe they check for that as well.
I apologize for making this long and my language aswell, I think it gets blocked out anyway though
so yea I have been on zoloft for about 3 weeks now i think, started on 25mg for a weeks then 50mg for 2 weeks and I start 75mg's in a few days. My doc also gave me clonazepams to take until the zoloft kicks in. but so far the zoloft has done nothing in my opinion. I wake up with anxiety, I am still depressed, I still have major problems leaving my house. I get anxiety attacks at work. I hate being a damn shut in.
yes of course i have thought about suicide. i had since I was young (i was an athletic male with anorexia..) but I would NEVER do it and i know that..
I think it is selfish, I would ruin my friends and family lives because of my own bullshit so I think suicide is the epitome of a narcissist behaviour and is out of the question.. plus i have wayyyy to many goals to acheive
My question is.. what if the zoloft doesnt work. will i feel it work? because so far my anxiety etc is all the same. I am worried about sexual side effects aswell. the first week or 2 it took me like 2 hours to orgasm lol I already lasted long and 2 hours is just annoying lol! but i seem to be back to normal but if I did end up with a problem like ED.. would I tell my doc? i mean would there be something to fix it?
sometimes I also feel like im in a bit of a dream. and I have been dreaming things that are so damn real now that I cant remember what really happend and what was a dream.. Ive heard zoloft can make you forgetful(which it has.. I forget pretty much entire weekends.. no lie) and I already forgot things all the time because i'm pretty sure I had ADD.
I would love some opinions etc.. I'm not completely f*ucked am I?
I dont mind being a bit of a mad hatter because crazy people have more fun:p but I'm not alone.. right?
I am an extreme perfectionist when it comes to my job and I unintentionally place a massive amount of pressure on myself to be the best. I have suffered from chronic insomnia and panic attacks for as long as I can now remember yet my doctor had brushed off my cries for help(he finally put me on an ssri but ill get into that later). I also became a prisoner of my own home because My anxiety is too much to handle when I go out. I LOVE to go out and have a good time but I just cant anymore. I start to sweat, my face turns red and I feel like everyone is staring at me.
To make things worse I have OCD, nothing too extreme i guess because its only focused on a few things, like money and My body image but thinking about my body every second of the day (literally) is so f*cking stressful. It makes me very depressed. I have a body image in my head that I want but fear that even once i acheive it, i won't even know it and still feel insecure.
I am seeing a psychologist but its expensive and I just dont see how talking can help.. it only seems to help for that hour and about and hour after then it all fades.
I have a girlfriend and we have sex everyday, sometimes I can't perform because my mind is on so many other things but I guess on the plus side this keeps me faithful because I have never cheated probably because I would have to much anxiety to go through with it lol! no but seriously I love her too much and we were best friends first before we dated.
I also can't sit still, and when i can(which is never) my mind goes extra hard anyways) I think thats why I have trouble sleeping.. I have to use sleeping meds or i just cant fall asleep and yes I had insomnia before the ssri's so its not from that but now i notice I wake up much earlier on the ssri(zoloft) for example if I normally woke up at 11am I now wake up at around 6 something am and cant fall asleep again. I was always getting in trouble in school for being disrupted. dont get me wrong. my teachers loved me and my personality but i just found school so damn boring. I am actually getting results for an adhd test at the end of the month so ill know for sure whats up.
I get some extreme mood swings that I cant control. I have to try sooooo hard not to snap sometimes. and other times when I feel fine when someone talks to me My reply comes out very angry and that even throws me off because I didnt expect it. I have never been violent with people(only in sports I would have an occasional fight but i always tried to be passive because I know I have a bad temper (thats another thing i worry about when I go to malls etc) because i get major anxiety and sweat and feel closed in by stares, I fear I might snap on someone someday and just f*ck them up really bad and I really dont want to do something like that because that just isnt be..
but I often get these feelings and thoughts when this anger hits my insides out of no where and I just want to clock someone like a smartass cashier or someone pulling a dumb f*cking sarcastic joke on me. It f*cking gets under my damn skin and I just want to teach them a lesson not to fuck with people they don't know.
I have had freak attacks and totalled a few doors and drywall in my house, which to be honest feels effing amazing.. when I snap, something HAS to break or the feelings wont go away. Ive been pretty good with that though.. its been a about a month since i took a bat to a chair.
I am also an adrenaline junkie. I have a really fast car and sometimes i go a little overboard because I LOVE when my heart starts to pound it makes me feel fucking alive! I feel it in my entire body. also I don't do drugs or drink so I cant blame those things for the way I am.
actually everything I am discribing is exactly how my dad said he was and kind of still is but he has clonazepam to help him cope.
I kind of forgot where I was going with this but uh yea, my doctor says hes pretty sure I am not bipolar which is nice to hear because I dont want to be fucked up. but the adhd test I took was quite extensive and I believe they check for that as well.
I apologize for making this long and my language aswell, I think it gets blocked out anyway though
so yea I have been on zoloft for about 3 weeks now i think, started on 25mg for a weeks then 50mg for 2 weeks and I start 75mg's in a few days. My doc also gave me clonazepams to take until the zoloft kicks in. but so far the zoloft has done nothing in my opinion. I wake up with anxiety, I am still depressed, I still have major problems leaving my house. I get anxiety attacks at work. I hate being a damn shut in.
yes of course i have thought about suicide. i had since I was young (i was an athletic male with anorexia..) but I would NEVER do it and i know that..
I think it is selfish, I would ruin my friends and family lives because of my own bullshit so I think suicide is the epitome of a narcissist behaviour and is out of the question.. plus i have wayyyy to many goals to acheive
My question is.. what if the zoloft doesnt work. will i feel it work? because so far my anxiety etc is all the same. I am worried about sexual side effects aswell. the first week or 2 it took me like 2 hours to orgasm lol I already lasted long and 2 hours is just annoying lol! but i seem to be back to normal but if I did end up with a problem like ED.. would I tell my doc? i mean would there be something to fix it?
sometimes I also feel like im in a bit of a dream. and I have been dreaming things that are so damn real now that I cant remember what really happend and what was a dream.. Ive heard zoloft can make you forgetful(which it has.. I forget pretty much entire weekends.. no lie) and I already forgot things all the time because i'm pretty sure I had ADD.
I would love some opinions etc.. I'm not completely f*ucked am I?
I dont mind being a bit of a mad hatter because crazy people have more fun:p but I'm not alone.. right?