I desperately need help, please

[charliekilo]

Lately I've been feeling strange, and completely "outside" of myself, or my comfort zone. A few days ago I heard someone I was with talking about something that worried me (it wasn't quite panic) and ever since then I've been feeling totally different. The way I see or interpret everything around me feels entirely different, I'm feeling tired, scared and uncertain, I'm not enjoying things I normally do, at least not without over-thinking about said things (ie, when I listen to music the way I "feel" or hear it seems entirely different and wrong than it always has before), and the same goes more or less for watching tv or reading. I just feel so out of it and not like myself.

It just feels like the days are going by extremely slow (it feels like it's been a lifetime since the day this started happening and it feels to be getting worse) and most of the time I'm feeling depressed or anxious, and worried, letting the way I feel or see things get to me and make it almost impossible to truly enjoy anything, free of worry or care. I have a hard time going to sleep at night and when I wake up, I feel panicked and scared, my heart racing and a tense, anxious feeling all over, which also worries me.

The same thing happened to me two years ago after a similar incident and after a while, I got better and started functioning normally again, feeling perfectly fine. So while I'm sure this will happen again, for the time being it's frightening and unbearable and I just wish I knew what was going on.

The worst of it, I think, is how long it feels like it's lasting. The days seem to crawl by. I've only had it for the past week or so and even Monday feels like ages ago to me, with the rate that time seems to go by at and with my current mental state. Today, it only feels like very slight improvement. I keep wishing so badly that I had never been exposed to the event that sent me into this state and that I was carrying on my life happily just as I was not but almost two weeks ago. To go further into detail on what I'm feeling...

Everything around me just feels so foreign and alien despite still knowing my way around and having memory of how I used to perceive the world. My own bedroom feels like a stranger's place, my own interests and likes seem vaguely familiar, and so forth. The world feels like a dream yet a vivid one. I feel open, vulnerable, and somewhat "outside" of myself. I feel disassociated, almost like I have no identity or sense of self. When I listen to music, I start to hear it in an entirely different way and the feelings and images it conjures feel so wrong and different than they have before. Instead of hearing individual, special sensations and sounds while listening to music it almost just sounds like a clutter of noise, all too literal and like my brain is over-processing what it is and taking it too literally. I don't know, I have no idea how to explain it and I hate it.

While watching tv or a movie, I get the feeling that I'm just watching a play, if that makes any sense. I can't look at it as a form of entertainment, instead I just keep thinking about how it's just an act and it's bothering me greatly that I can't even enjoy things I usually do or distract myself with them. It feels like I'm losing my grip on my established sense of reality and my comfort zone, and losing my sense of imagination and wonder. And it's terrifying. It's like I can't stop this constant over-processing/over-analyzing/over-reacting that my mind is doing.

Things around me, while seeming foreign and dull, also seem "sharper" than before (mostly this just applies to the outdoors or certain buildings/rooms rather than objects) and the "order" of things around me feels disjointed.

I don't know, it's just really hard to describe. Basically, nothing feels truly significant. Everything almost seems totally trivial and devoid of specialness. And it's frightening me. I know I need to keep reminding myself that this sensation isn't real and that I'm paying too much attention to anxiety over it all but it's pretty unnerving and leaves me feeling depressed and yearning for the times when I wasn't feeling like this, wishing I had never experienced what it was that frightened me into this state of mind.

Another thing I can't seem to shake is a constant feeling of vulnerability and immortality. While I've always known I'm human, obviously, it feels like a much too persistent thought as of late and I can't seem to shake these thoughts of impending death or disaster. And it's making it impossible for me to lead an ordinary life or get through the day comfortably. I also get sensations of things such as:

Shortness of breath
Increased heart rate
Skin feels tense or "tightened"
Numbness (for lack of a better word" in the back of my neck
Tiredness
Dull aches
Frequent trips to the bathroom

...I just wish I knew how to rid myself of this immediately. Hardly anything gives me joy right now and I'm feeling really worried about it. It makes me feel as if I'm going insane or losing my mind. It's affecting my performance in class and leaving me feeling extremely distressed. I get pangs of feeling improvement or like I'm getting better but as the day drags on (and I do mean "drags", it feels like a lifetime), I start to get the same old feelings again and question just how well I'm doing. I also find it difficult to be away from home and my parents and that sense of safety, no matter how strange that environment may seem to me now.

It feels like I've got anxiety, stress, derealization, depersonalization, agoraphobia, disassociation and so forth all at once. Based on what I've read about my symptoms, at least.

I just have no idea what's going on with my body or mind and why I'm feeling like this or what can be done. I just wish so badly I could go back and forget all of this. All of it. I just want it to be gone forever. I'm scared and worried. It feels like there's nothing I can do to be truly comfortable and shut this off and block it from my mind. So any kind of advice or help would be greatly appreciated.

[alex1993]

Argh, I had a whole thing typed up, then my internet went dead.

Okay, first paragraph.

I had the exact same thing as you. You can't put it in to words, but your world seems different... somehow. It's just this sense of it. It is very upsetting. I had derealization, and it is also scary because you may know why it's happening, and that it will improve, but no matter how normal you act, you still feel like you are out of control, or your actions aren't even real. You feel like you never did pet that dog, because you aren't even feeling connected to the dog.

How long has this Derealization been going on? That alone triggers so much anxiety. I had trouble going to sleep, because my mind obsessed about the DR. you pick at little things about it and that frightens you even more.

May I ask what was bothering you? (if oyu didn't know) the DP/DR is caused by constant anxiety. It is a mechanism that allowed us to calm down. Humans have (or used to) have a desire to feel their reality be different, and the brain would let this happen under times of high stress. But now we have science and psychology, and people know what "going crazy" is, so they are afraid of strange thoughts and feelings.

Try this, I tried it and I liked it (but that may just be because I'm really into psychedelic things. xD) Sit somewhere where there are trees, but it is open. For example, a field/meadow. I sat by my pool, and there are many trees and flowers there. Just relax, and don't try to go against the DP, just go with it, and notice how you feel so dreamy, in this pretty dreamland where everything is there but you don't feel it is. I think if you are in a aesthetically pleasing setting (I think nature would be the only, but whatever you think) The dp/dr would be nice and calming.

Again, just like me. It's awful, the minutes seem like hours. I used to count down the hours until I could sleep, because my life was better if I were unconcious. The fact that you said "slight improvement" is a good sign that you will come out of this soon. give it a week. or two.

This will all pass. A few weeks ago I didn't think the feeling would ever go away, but it is much much better now! I tried listening to some of my favorite music, and I just got no emotion out of it. You get no emotion out of anything, and then you can't remember the last time you laughed. Whenever I looked in the mirror, I was surprised at what I saw. Wasn't expecting that. I know exactly what you are going through, and it has been the worst months of my entire life. I didn't know people could feel this way, which I think also really changes your perspective.

Your surroundings feel two dimensional, or that everything has an edge. Like you said, it is very noticeable outside.

Trust me, it will be okay. But you should go see a psych, you seem so distressed. I know how awful it is. Do you use any drugs in the two weeks leading up to that? maybe that's why this all came on, along with the thing that worried you. just keep hope. it will all be okay in the end. if it's not okay, it's not the end.

You can PM me at all if you need anything, but I will be gone for a few weeks on thursday.

[charliekilo]

Argh, I had a whole thing typed up, then my internet went dead.

Okay, first paragraph.

I had the exact same thing as you. You can't put it in to words, but your world seems different... somehow. It's just this sense of it. It is very upsetting. I had derealization, and it is also scary because you may know why it's happening, and that it will improve, but no matter how normal you act, you still feel like you are out of control, or your actions aren't even real. You feel like you never did pet that dog, because you aren't even feeling connected to the dog.

How long has this Derealization been going on? That alone triggers so much anxiety. I had trouble going to sleep, because my mind obsessed about the DR. you pick at little things about it and that frightens you even more.

May I ask what was bothering you? (if oyu didn't know) the DP/DR is caused by constant anxiety. It is a mechanism that allowed us to calm down. Humans have (or used to) have a desire to feel their reality be different, and the brain would let this happen under times of high stress. But now we have science and psychology, and people know what "going crazy" is, so they are afraid of strange thoughts and feelings.

Try this, I tried it and I liked it (but that may just be because I'm really into psychedelic things. xD) Sit somewhere where there are trees, but it is open. For example, a field/meadow. I sat by my pool, and there are many trees and flowers there. Just relax, and don't try to go against the DP, just go with it, and notice how you feel so dreamy, in this pretty dreamland where everything is there but you don't feel it is. I think if you are in a aesthetically pleasing setting (I think nature would be the only, but whatever you think) The dp/dr would be nice and calming.

Again, just like me. It's awful, the minutes seem like hours. I used to count down the hours until I could sleep, because my life was better if I were unconcious. The fact that you said "slight improvement" is a good sign that you will come out of this soon. give it a week. or two.

This will all pass. A few weeks ago I didn't think the feeling would ever go away, but it is much much better now! I tried listening to some of my favorite music, and I just got no emotion out of it. You get no emotion out of anything, and then you can't remember the last time you laughed. Whenever I looked in the mirror, I was surprised at what I saw. Wasn't expecting that. I know exactly what you are going through, and it has been the worst months of my entire life. I didn't know people could feel this way, which I think also really changes your perspective.

Your surroundings feel two dimensional, or that everything has an edge. Like you said, it is very noticeable outside.

Trust me, it will be okay. But you should go see a psych, you seem so distressed. I know how awful it is. Do you use any drugs in the two weeks leading up to that? maybe that's why this all came on, along with the thing that worried you. just keep hope. it will all be okay in the end. if it's not okay, it's not the end.

You can PM me at all if you need anything, but I will be gone for a few weeks on thursday.
Hey, thanks so much for the response. It's encouraging and quite helpful to get this kind of feedback so I really appreciate it.

This bout of derealization has been going on since about late evening July 3rd, when I first encountered what it was that set it off. It was that a friend of mine was talking about things like global cataclysm and annihilation, just from a speculative (more so mocking, actually) viewpoint. While I agreed with his points, it's still something that bothers me even though I know it's nothing to worry about. After he brought it up I started to go into a bit of a panic mode, though it wasn't nearly as bad then as it has escalated to be now. In fact, it's not nearly as persistent in my mind as my feelings of derealization and disassociation seem to be. Though I do still have that nagging fear of impending disaster or death, rendering my feelings towards life in general (as well as the things I love) to feel like they're insignificant even though I know better.

I don't use drugs, recreational or prescribed, although shortly before that I had drank a large cup of Pepsi so maybe the caffeine heightened my sense of danger or sped up my thoughts or got my heart pounding faster or something. If that makes sense? It's not something that's made me feel worried or anxious in the past (at worst it'd just keep me up late at night or leave me feeling crashed and bored if I had too much) but maybe having had so much of it and then shortly afterward dealing with something that got to me like that, it set it off so to speak. Or made it worse than it would've been had I not been on a caffeine rush.

Also, it happened at the county fair, and although I enjoy going for something to do and for the chance of meeting up with friends or enjoying the food, it also brings on my social phobia/anxiety of being in large crowds of people. Which also may have had something to do with it. I don't know.

Anyway I may have to give that a shot, what you recommended and see what it does.

But you're right on pretty much everything - my world entirely seems foreign and somewhat frightening, I get hardly any emotion out of the things I love (save for the emotional attachment I have to my parents, both of whom having around makes me feel at least somewhat safe in this state) and the only time I feel alright is when I'm in bed, but even then I sometimes find my mind wandering or racing.

Again, thanks so much for the words of encouragement and reminding me that I'm not the only one to suffer through something like this. Like you said, I know this isn't permanent but the thought of it still being ingrained in my memory and the feeling of having no control over my thoughts for the time being is still a very tough, scary thing to grapple with. I'm planning on going to see a doctor about this soon. Once more, thanks so much for the support. I really do appreciate it.