Gardengnome47
07-10-2010, 05:46 AM
I'm new and I really need some feedback about my therapist. I'm not feeling very good about her and don't know if I should go back. This is kind of long. Sorry about that.
Last week I was having a melt-down at work: too much pressure from all sides to fix things I have no control over. I wasn't in trouble, just very stressed. I have fibromyalgia and arthritis and was in a lot of pain. I went to my office and my ex-partner came in. We've been working on becoming friends for a lot of good reasons, partly because we are both alone in this world and need each other's friendship.
Anyway, I ended up crying and saying things that I didn't intend to say about how refusing to go to college like he'd planned, getting a decent job and putting us into bankruptcy 10 years ago put me in the position I am in now - abusive job, divorcing an abusive man I never would have met. Ex didn't know how to respond and walked away. I took it as complete rejection and became suicidal. If I didn't have the responsibilities I do at home I would have taken a long swim that night.
So I go see my therapist the next morning and I'm not in good shape. She's seemed scattered before, with no particular direction to therapy but she was better than the other two who just listened, took my money and packed me out the door. She asked about my thoughts of suicide and I assured her that I had no intention of following through because of my responsibility to the special needs dogs I've taken in who no one else would have. They need me whole and healthy to keep them safe from the kind of people who hurt them so badly.
I have huge issues with trust, abusive childhood, ex who didn't follow through, soon-to-be-ex who is emotionally abusive, hasn't worked in 4 years and bankrupted us using his mental illness as an excuse. So my therapist starts in on me telling me that I trust people that I shouldn't trust. Duh...ya think? But everything about them -- at first -- showed that I could trust them. It's that they failed over time and I stayed when I should have left.
She berated -- actually got louder and mildly aggressive -- about me not doing my homework, saying that I didn't do everything I said I'd do either. I was too fried to remember that I hadn't done it (this was 3 sessions ago) because I didn't understand the instructions and she didn't ask for it, so I moved to the next homework assignment. Her fussing at me pushed me into a panic and I started to cry and wrote her a check to leave. She then said to call her at 9pm and she would answer or return my phone call. I was pretty sure she was using this to build trust, so I called and told her I was still alive, my ex and I were exchanging email and finally talking about the mess he'd made of our lives. I stayed up waiting, but she didn't call back...ever.
The unreturned phone call made me uncomfortable because I now felt I couldn't trust her either. I called her late in the week and she didn't seem to remember that she said she'd promised to call me. She said I sounded so good she didn't think she needed to call and it was 10pm, so she didn't call. I remember feeling hopeless when I called, so I don't think I sounded peachy. She blew it off. She also blew off my feeling assaulted by her and gave me the name of some therapy she was using. I told her that she might share what she was doing when she did this sort of thing as it's upsetting to sit there wanting to die and have someone waving undone homework as if its actually important. She seemed not to have remembered what she did.
Now, therapists who take insurance are are hard to find here. I don't feel comfortable with her. I don't have anyone else to see. I'm supposed to see her next week but I feel as if I should run in the other direction. I'm currently not on any meds and probably should be. I'd asked her for a referral to who she uses, but she didn't call with that referral either and when I asked on the phone call she said she wanted to call someone to see if they could see me -- once I reminded her about the referral.
She just seems like she needs a therapist as much, or more than I do. I don't know if she can help me because so far I'm just feeling worse about myself. I'm wondering if I should just read "Feeling Good" (which I have) and do it on my own. I'm seeing a pain management clinic and I'm going to ask them for a referral for psych meds on Thursday.
Thinking about going to see her next Saturday is making me anxious, something I really don't need. I don't know it's just me and if I should stay and try to find some nuggets of help in what she puts out, or if I need to leave. I don't trust her now and I'm not overly confident that she's any good although she seems very knowledgeable about different therapies. Should I direct her, since she doesn't seem very good at holding a course? If I'm having to tell her what to do, is it worth the stress to go when I can read the books and do the practices at home without the stress of judgment?
Any input would be appreciated.
Last week I was having a melt-down at work: too much pressure from all sides to fix things I have no control over. I wasn't in trouble, just very stressed. I have fibromyalgia and arthritis and was in a lot of pain. I went to my office and my ex-partner came in. We've been working on becoming friends for a lot of good reasons, partly because we are both alone in this world and need each other's friendship.
Anyway, I ended up crying and saying things that I didn't intend to say about how refusing to go to college like he'd planned, getting a decent job and putting us into bankruptcy 10 years ago put me in the position I am in now - abusive job, divorcing an abusive man I never would have met. Ex didn't know how to respond and walked away. I took it as complete rejection and became suicidal. If I didn't have the responsibilities I do at home I would have taken a long swim that night.
So I go see my therapist the next morning and I'm not in good shape. She's seemed scattered before, with no particular direction to therapy but she was better than the other two who just listened, took my money and packed me out the door. She asked about my thoughts of suicide and I assured her that I had no intention of following through because of my responsibility to the special needs dogs I've taken in who no one else would have. They need me whole and healthy to keep them safe from the kind of people who hurt them so badly.
I have huge issues with trust, abusive childhood, ex who didn't follow through, soon-to-be-ex who is emotionally abusive, hasn't worked in 4 years and bankrupted us using his mental illness as an excuse. So my therapist starts in on me telling me that I trust people that I shouldn't trust. Duh...ya think? But everything about them -- at first -- showed that I could trust them. It's that they failed over time and I stayed when I should have left.
She berated -- actually got louder and mildly aggressive -- about me not doing my homework, saying that I didn't do everything I said I'd do either. I was too fried to remember that I hadn't done it (this was 3 sessions ago) because I didn't understand the instructions and she didn't ask for it, so I moved to the next homework assignment. Her fussing at me pushed me into a panic and I started to cry and wrote her a check to leave. She then said to call her at 9pm and she would answer or return my phone call. I was pretty sure she was using this to build trust, so I called and told her I was still alive, my ex and I were exchanging email and finally talking about the mess he'd made of our lives. I stayed up waiting, but she didn't call back...ever.
The unreturned phone call made me uncomfortable because I now felt I couldn't trust her either. I called her late in the week and she didn't seem to remember that she said she'd promised to call me. She said I sounded so good she didn't think she needed to call and it was 10pm, so she didn't call. I remember feeling hopeless when I called, so I don't think I sounded peachy. She blew it off. She also blew off my feeling assaulted by her and gave me the name of some therapy she was using. I told her that she might share what she was doing when she did this sort of thing as it's upsetting to sit there wanting to die and have someone waving undone homework as if its actually important. She seemed not to have remembered what she did.
Now, therapists who take insurance are are hard to find here. I don't feel comfortable with her. I don't have anyone else to see. I'm supposed to see her next week but I feel as if I should run in the other direction. I'm currently not on any meds and probably should be. I'd asked her for a referral to who she uses, but she didn't call with that referral either and when I asked on the phone call she said she wanted to call someone to see if they could see me -- once I reminded her about the referral.
She just seems like she needs a therapist as much, or more than I do. I don't know if she can help me because so far I'm just feeling worse about myself. I'm wondering if I should just read "Feeling Good" (which I have) and do it on my own. I'm seeing a pain management clinic and I'm going to ask them for a referral for psych meds on Thursday.
Thinking about going to see her next Saturday is making me anxious, something I really don't need. I don't know it's just me and if I should stay and try to find some nuggets of help in what she puts out, or if I need to leave. I don't trust her now and I'm not overly confident that she's any good although she seems very knowledgeable about different therapies. Should I direct her, since she doesn't seem very good at holding a course? If I'm having to tell her what to do, is it worth the stress to go when I can read the books and do the practices at home without the stress of judgment?
Any input would be appreciated.