Vyrtue77
07-09-2010, 12:26 PM
Hey,
This is my first time really ever writing on a forum let alone about my feeling so this is pretty hard for me but as I sit in this bookstore, I'm trying to read as many books as I can on the issue but seem to find "relief". I have been romantically involved with this woman for a few months now, and although she has told me over and over again that she loves me, and wants to be together "at some point", and enjoys our time together, I recently learned that she is going to be moving soon due to a career change.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm extremely happy for her, and want nothing more for her to be happy. The job that she is taking is in her hometown or near it, and she'll be close to friends and family. Coincidentally it's also the same city that I was planning on moving to ANYWAY just in a few months, but for some reason I can't seem to stop crying or feeling like "this is it", like this will be the end or that my disorder, or fears or whatever will cause some form of self sabotaging of this relationship that we have. It's hard because I keep reading on why this is happening or why I feel the way I do, but I can't seem to "okay" with it, or know if I should even explain all of this to her. It's like the last thing she needs to hear, or wants to be stressed with.
Because of this and other fears I keep turning to Xanax, alcohol, marijuana just to feel like a "normal person". I know in the grand scheme of things, change is good, and it's good to move on and be excited about the new things that are coming. I know that I should be excited or that maybe I'm even confusing this for excitement. I know there are a lot of things I can tell myself, but I really don't know how to feel or if it will get better, or if it will continually be a cycle in which I have to console myself just to get through the day.
I don't know what to do, I am planning on sitting her down in a couple days and trying to explain what I've tried to explain before but actually have it written down so I don't forget anything and try not to hide tears or other feelings I may feel. I have never felt this way about anybody, but I have felt these feelings of sadness when it came to someone leaving me, even if for a little bit, or even if it was around the corner. Why can I just be normal?
This is my first time really ever writing on a forum let alone about my feeling so this is pretty hard for me but as I sit in this bookstore, I'm trying to read as many books as I can on the issue but seem to find "relief". I have been romantically involved with this woman for a few months now, and although she has told me over and over again that she loves me, and wants to be together "at some point", and enjoys our time together, I recently learned that she is going to be moving soon due to a career change.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm extremely happy for her, and want nothing more for her to be happy. The job that she is taking is in her hometown or near it, and she'll be close to friends and family. Coincidentally it's also the same city that I was planning on moving to ANYWAY just in a few months, but for some reason I can't seem to stop crying or feeling like "this is it", like this will be the end or that my disorder, or fears or whatever will cause some form of self sabotaging of this relationship that we have. It's hard because I keep reading on why this is happening or why I feel the way I do, but I can't seem to "okay" with it, or know if I should even explain all of this to her. It's like the last thing she needs to hear, or wants to be stressed with.
Because of this and other fears I keep turning to Xanax, alcohol, marijuana just to feel like a "normal person". I know in the grand scheme of things, change is good, and it's good to move on and be excited about the new things that are coming. I know that I should be excited or that maybe I'm even confusing this for excitement. I know there are a lot of things I can tell myself, but I really don't know how to feel or if it will get better, or if it will continually be a cycle in which I have to console myself just to get through the day.
I don't know what to do, I am planning on sitting her down in a couple days and trying to explain what I've tried to explain before but actually have it written down so I don't forget anything and try not to hide tears or other feelings I may feel. I have never felt this way about anybody, but I have felt these feelings of sadness when it came to someone leaving me, even if for a little bit, or even if it was around the corner. Why can I just be normal?